At what age does a child need to be....
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At what age does a child need to be....
| Tue, 10-21-2008 - 9:14pm |
At what age does a child need to be held responsible for actions?
My son is 9 and has been having trouble at school for the last few years (long story).. I have thought about this topic and dont really know the right answer. When does it become his responsiblity to make sure he has his homework done? Or brings everything home? Or fails a paper/subject? Or fail

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I'm mom to a 16yo, 13yo, and 8yo, and they couldn't be more different from each other when it comes to responsibility towards school work. I feel that whatever each child needs developmentally is what they need; my job is to raise them to be fully functioning adults who are achieving their potential, but just as their potential differs from each other, the way they're going to achieve it differs, and the help they need from me differs too.
My 8yo DS is all about having fun and having routines. He'll do his chores only if we make a game of it, and he'll do his homework only because it means he can get to play his videogame afterward (10 mins of game time for every page of homework - my brilliant DH's idea!). Now he knows: he comes home from school, has his snack, and immediately starts his homework. He's in third grade, and DH is starting to make him take more responsibility for taking his homework out of his backpack, putting it away, etc. DH helps him think through what he needs to do so it will become a routine, since he responds so well to routines.
My 13yo DD is incredibly organized about her schoolwork, highly goal-oriented, very sociable, and hates to not be busy doing *something*. She will do extra credit work even if her average in class is a 99, just to be sure she'll get 100. She will probably be her class valedictorian.
My 16yo DD is another story entirely! She's off the charts brilliant, but wildly disorganized, and she has always had trouble with homework - either she didn't do it or she just didn't bother to turn it in! In 10th grade, we began to implement some strict procedures for her: we checked her homework assignments online, DH picked her up from school every day to keep her focused on school (and not lollygagging around town after school let out), and we communicated regularly with her teachers and guidance counselor, and made her aware of it. She learned that we really CARED about what was going on, and that - surprise! - so did her teachers and friends. Her grades began to improve, and she started feeling good about the results of putting in effort. She had a job with a lot of personal responsibility over the summer, and this school year we are seeing much better grades and a much more responsible attitude. I'm sure we could have said, "Well, she's 16, she's got to learn on her own," but what she really needed was to see that what she does *matters* to other people. It helped that what we were after was not for her to achieve *our* dreams, but to help her achieve *hers*.
Bottom line, I don't think there's a "one size fits all" approach. Kids are just different, and they need different things from us to succeed.
Kelly
This is different for every child, but no matter what kind of child you have, you should be working together toward total responsibility. And I don't think total responsibility comes until they have a job and start paying their own rent--even when a kid is in college, she's still financially dependent on her parents in most cases.
I don't know if this will help, but my kids' 3rd grade teacher (they both had the same one two years apart)
Hi Traci,
Yes, at age 9 you should hold your child responsible for knowing his assignments, bringing everything he needs for it home and doing the work.
He brings his homework home like he is supposed to...there is the occasional oops I forgot my spelling words or a reading book (something I make him bring home). His problem is with his work...like completing it at school.
I loved your post because this is/has been everything that I have been doing for and with him and nothing has been working. I totally agree that the child doesnt fail the adult does. The teachers have left EVERYTHING up to me to deal with. Its like they do not care if he fails or makes bad grades. They make him stay in from recess and that
Dee
Dee
Mom to Nik
By kindergarten both kids were getting dressed,
From the opinion of a soon to be teacher...
You should somewhat hold your son responsible for writing down his homework. He might forget every once and a while and that is ok. The teacher should either send out an e-mail daily or have a website for parents to check with the homework assignments posted. If your son's teacher doesn't do this you can bring it up and it shouldn't be that big of a problem. However, I believe that by fifth grade your son should have full responsibility for writing down his homework. As far as projects go elementary teachers (K-6) know that most of the time parents do the projects. However, it is very obvious when the parents do this. It is suppose to be a learning experience for them because projects involve a higher level of learning. It's fine to help as long as they learn the information. However, the teachers expectations should be realistic too.
Amy!!!
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