At what age does a child need to be....

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Registered: 06-29-2005
At what age does a child need to be....
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Tue, 10-21-2008 - 9:14pm

At what age does a child need to be held responsible for actions?
My son is 9 and has been having trouble at school for the last few years (long story).. I have thought about this topic and dont really know the right answer. When does it become his responsiblity to make sure he has his homework done? Or brings everything home? Or fails a paper/subject? Or fail

 
Avatar for mahopac
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Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 4:57pm

I'm mom to a 16yo, 13yo, and 8yo, and they couldn't be more different from each other when it comes to responsibility towards school work. I feel that whatever each child needs developmentally is what they need; my job is to raise them to be fully functioning adults who are achieving their potential, but just as their potential differs from each other, the way they're going to achieve it differs, and the help they need from me differs too.

My 8yo DS is all about having fun and having routines. He'll do his chores only if we make a game of it, and he'll do his homework only because it means he can get to play his videogame afterward (10 mins of game time for every page of homework - my brilliant DH's idea!). Now he knows: he comes home from school, has his snack, and immediately starts his homework. He's in third grade, and DH is starting to make him take more responsibility for taking his homework out of his backpack, putting it away, etc. DH helps him think through what he needs to do so it will become a routine, since he responds so well to routines.

My 13yo DD is incredibly organized about her schoolwork, highly goal-oriented, very sociable, and hates to not be busy doing *something*. She will do extra credit work even if her average in class is a 99, just to be sure she'll get 100. She will probably be her class valedictorian.

My 16yo DD is another story entirely! She's off the charts brilliant, but wildly disorganized, and she has always had trouble with homework - either she didn't do it or she just didn't bother to turn it in! In 10th grade, we began to implement some strict procedures for her: we checked her homework assignments online, DH picked her up from school every day to keep her focused on school (and not lollygagging around town after school let out), and we communicated regularly with her teachers and guidance counselor, and made her aware of it. She learned that we really CARED about what was going on, and that - surprise! - so did her teachers and friends. Her grades began to improve, and she started feeling good about the results of putting in effort. She had a job with a lot of personal responsibility over the summer, and this school year we are seeing much better grades and a much more responsible attitude. I'm sure we could have said, "Well, she's 16, she's got to learn on her own," but what she really needed was to see that what she does *matters* to other people. It helped that what we were after was not for her to achieve *our* dreams, but to help her achieve *hers*.

Bottom line, I don't think there's a "one size fits all" approach. Kids are just different, and they need different things from us to succeed.

Kelly

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Registered: 05-27-1998
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 5:24pm

This is different for every child, but no matter what kind of child you have, you should be working together toward total responsibility. And I don't think total responsibility comes until they have a job and start paying their own rent--even when a kid is in college, she's still financially dependent on her parents in most cases.


I don't know if this will help, but my kids' 3rd grade teacher (they both had the same one two years apart)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 10:55pm

Hi Traci,


Yes, at age 9 you should hold your child responsible for knowing his assignments, bringing everything he needs for it home and doing the work.

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Registered: 06-29-2005
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 11:23pm

He brings his homework home like he is supposed to...there is the occasional oops I forgot my spelling words or a reading book (something I make him bring home). His problem is with his work...like completing it at school.
I loved your post because this is/has been everything that I have been doing for and with him and nothing has been working. I totally agree that the child doesnt fail the adult does. The teachers have left EVERYTHING up to me to deal with. Its like they do not care if he fails or makes bad grades. They make him stay in from recess and that

 
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Registered: 01-24-2008
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 8:45am

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Registered: 01-08-2007
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 10:12am
I agree w/Nancy kids this age need the help of parents & teachers to orgaize & remember. Their minds are absording so much at this age they just aren't ready for total responsibloty of themselves. Middle school around 7th grade is a good start. I still ask dd when she gets into the car if she has everything for homeowrk w/her & make her check. She just started middle school & is in 6th grade.

Dee

Dee  

Mom to Nik

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Registered: 06-01-1999
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 11:14am

By kindergarten both kids were getting dressed,

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Registered: 08-11-2007
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 11:46am
A lot depends on the child.If your ds has a learning disability or adhd(I don't know if this is the case),you or the teachers can not just say work harder and your grades will get better,at this point he probably still needs some help in learning how to organize stuff.My dd is in 7th grade and she pretty much does everything on her own.I will print a paper out for her or I do help her study vocab,s/s,science or whatever,by asking her stuff that is on her study guides.That said my dd is pretty self motivated and I can count on one hand the times she forgot to bring something home or bring something to school.In fact last week when she was off for two days she took it upon her self to call her teacher's voice mails at school and to ask them to get her work and give it too her friend.She also called her friend on the phone to make sure she would get her work,then she fretted about this the whole day until her friend dropped off the work.That said I don't think you should just let a child fail,if he is not yet capable of organizing his work.The school GC is always telling me how unorganized 5th and 6th graders are,and how Gabby was very organized for her age.Not sure if 7th graders tend to be this way or not.Does you son have an IEP in place?The teachers should definatly be working with you to get your ds on track,before he hits m/s.It should not all fall on your shoulders.I would hesitate to take stuff awasy if your ds truely is struggling and is not just being lazy.You know what your ds is capable of.However,if your ds really isn't cabale of organizing work on his own punishment will just frustrtae him.

 

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Registered: 06-29-2005
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 12:04pm
His Dr said told me the symptoms he is having exhibits slight ADD. His problems to me seem so fixable if given the right patience and tools WITHOUT medication. I am only with him in the afternoons and by then he is so burned out with school and homework it is impossible for me to give him to tools he needs to make things better or to even talk to him about it. We have

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 9:31pm

From the opinion of a soon to be teacher...
You should somewhat hold your son responsible for writing down his homework. He might forget every once and a while and that is ok. The teacher should either send out an e-mail daily or have a website for parents to check with the homework assignments posted. If your son's teacher doesn't do this you can bring it up and it shouldn't be that big of a problem. However, I believe that by fifth grade your son should have full responsibility for writing down his homework. As far as projects go elementary teachers (K-6) know that most of the time parents do the projects. However, it is very obvious when the parents do this. It is suppose to be a learning experience for them because projects involve a higher level of learning. It's fine to help as long as they learn the information. However, the teachers expectations should be realistic too.

Amy!!!