When to have "The Talk"

Hi Chris, welcome back!!

Robert and I have been talking off and on with our son since he was 7½. I was pregnant with his little brother, so it seemed to us to be an appropriate time to start discussing sex in general and how babies are made in particular.

I've already had to clear up a lot of misconceptions that Sean has learned on the playground. Part of me wants to laugh at how wrong they get it, but another part is scared for him and his peers - there is too much danger in sex nowadays for them not to be better informed, IMO. I worry since they seem much more advanced than I remember being at that age. Though the funny parts are the ones where they get is so very, very wrong - like my son telling me that his friends told him that periods were when girls laid in bed naked. It was so hard to keep a straight face with that one, but I managed.

You might try to find out from your son how much he already knows or thinks he knows. In 3rd and 4th grade both, Sean would come to me with things he'd heard about sex and growing up from his friends and ask for clarification. When you do have the talk, be prepared for laughs, giggles, severe embarrassment, shock and even disgust. I've always tried to keep it very simple, explain the basics and then let Sean ask questions to direct the conversation. I end with a reminder that he should come talk to me or his dad to verify anything his friends tell him. I don't put them down, I just explain that it is a confusing subject and it is easy to misunderstand some of it. I also explained that I felt sex and the possible consequences were too important for him not to have the information necessary to make good decisions.

Good luck!!

Best Always,

Sherrie

co-cl

here, they actually start talks and films in K or 1st grade- they only learn about self esteem, etc in the beginning, but every year the children learn a little bit more. My 6th grader's first week of school this year had a boy/girl seperate talk already. I don't know what the boys learned, but my dd knew that she could talk to her female teachers about their problems/ etc if they were uncomfortable talking with their male teachers. I would not wait any lnger to at least bring up the subject- and perhaps Dh will suprise you- it could happen!!

Cat

dd9/91

dd3/94

dd 8/99

Chris,

I am a lurker, as my kids are 5,3,1. I do have nieces who are 6,7,and 10, so I like to hang around here to get good advice on their behalf. Occasionally, I come across a topic I feel qualified to give my two cents about. In my pre-mom life, I was a social worker. I have worked with foster children, pregnant teens, and victims of sexual assault. Here is my answer to your question: YES, talk with your son NOW. But here's the thing: this is not a one time talk. It must begin today and be ongoing until he leaves your home. Start small, keeping the discussion age appropriate (basic gender and intercourse info). Give small amounts based on the feedback you get from him. If he seems to have heard enough, table the discussion for about a week. The most common mistake I have seen parents make is to have a one time discussion in which both parents and child would rather be getting a root canal, everyone is embarassed, and important info is left out. Or, parents overload their kids with everything at once. At 10, he is probably most curious with the changes in his body and feelings, then in girls, then in the specifics of sex itself. Both you and your husband can give him important info that the other can't. This should be a joint effort between you. You may be better able to teach him about the specifics of intercourse and girls; let your husband talk to him about guys and what's going on with his body. Just as your husband simply cannot understand what it is like to be a 12 year old girl, there are a lot of things you really can't relate to your son about. (sorry if I am repeating what has already been said; I didn't have a chance to read the replies before offering my opinion!) Good luck.