Adoption vs. Abortion from another angle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2003
Adoption vs. Abortion from another angle
25
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 10:13am
I just have to ask how those of you who would prefer to see unwanted pregnancies end in adoption rather than abortion feel about my situation.

After 8 1/2 years of marriage, using birth control correctly, my husband & I decided we definitely do not want children. He agreed that the best way to go about ensuring this was to have a vasectomy. Before we had the chance to talk to our doctor about him getting a vasectomy, I discovered myself pregnant (how the heck did that happen?!?!?! I know birth control isn't perfect, but talk about timing.) It also can take up to a year to actually GET a vasectomy here, if you go to a urologist.... we lucked out & found a GP who would do it, he had a three month waiting list and then we got in sooner due to a cancellation. All that really doesn't apply to the fact that there is a time lag, maybe a long time lag, between deciding to be sterilized & being able to have the procedure done (and waiting to make sure the vasectomy was effective, as well).

We discussed things, and came to the conclusion that we REALLY don't want kids (no shock, we'd already decided that) & decided to abort (that was a shock, I didn't think I would ever do that, but discovered that the idea of being a mother was much more repulsive. Don't get me wrong, Mom's are great people, everyone has/had one, but that doesn't mean I want to be one.). It was the right decision for us.

Now, can you really imagine opting for adoption in that case? Take a loving couple, financially capable of supporting a child, emotionally unwilling. Imagine telling family & friends, as they note you are pregnant, "No, we're not having children, I'm giving it away at birth." It seems ridiculous.... I do think that those women who can go through with an unwanted pregnancy & give the resulting child up for adoption are amazing people, I am not that amazing, trust me. I KNOW I couldn't do that.

I was also definitely starting to feel the physical aspects of being pregnant by the time I found out (perfect period regulation is not one of the side effects of the pill that I have ever experienced)... I didn't feel it move, but I was starting to find it hard to bend & painful to stretch. I am a physically VERY active person, I could not cope with the thought of my body being inhabited by someone who was going to keep me from moving properly, when I didn't ask for that someone in the first place. Maybe it is different when you wanted the pregnancy in the first place, but I imagine there are still times when a pregnant woman is frustrated by the restrictions on the muscular functions of her body. (OK, this paragraph digresses somewhat from the rest of what I'm saying, but to me it also figures into the fact that I can't imagine carrying a pregnancy to term only to give up the child)

Now, I realize I am likely to get some very different opinions from my own on these thoughts. I wouldn't post this on a debate board if I wasn't prepared to face them. I really would honestly like to know how anyone can imagine a married couple giving a baby up for adoption?!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 11:04am
"Imagine telling family & friends, as they note you are pregnant, "No, we're not having children, I'm giving it away at birth." It seems ridiculous"

I find it distressing that you made the decision to abort based on what other people might find "ridiculous." I wouldn't agree, but I would least have some understanding if your primary reason was being uncomfortable with having a biological child out there in the world somewhere. I'm not ignoring any heartache a pregnancy might have caused you, I'm just saying that I think that it does not have more weight than a fetuses right to life, IMO. The right to life is more important than the right to not be embarassed or physically uncomfortable for 9 months.

Just a note... I wouldn't say it quite this way to you if it was a support board... but you said you knew it was a debate board and could face opposing opinions.

-Deb

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 12:47pm
" "Imagine telling family & friends, as they note you are pregnant, "No, we're not having children, I'm giving it away at birth." It seems ridiculous"

I find it distressing that you made the decision to abort based on what other people might find "ridiculous." I wouldn't agree, but I would least have some understanding if your primary reason was being uncomfortable with having a biological child out there in the world somewhere. I'm not ignoring any heartache a pregnancy might have caused you, I'm just saying that I think that it does not have more weight than a fetuses right to life, IMO. The right to life is more important than the right to not be embarassed or physically uncomfortable for 9 months."

Honestly, that was not a part of the reason. It WOULD be embarrassing, but that was far from the point. I really DON'T think I could handle the thought of being biologically related to a child I was not raising. Honestly, the option of adoption never entered our minds at the time. It was only later that the thought came to mind (partially from reading some of the opinions on this board) & I thought "how ridiculous that would seem". I guess I worded that badly.

I value my strength & abilities. I am a very active person & I do a lot of manual labor (we own 5 antique vehicles & do all the work on them ourselves, I do just as much of the labour as my husband). I was already feeling the effects of the pregnancy & realized that would have soon had to quit many of my activities had we decided to continue with it. That was just not an option in my mind. Ironically, pregnancy was something I had always thought I wanted to experience... I had reached the point that I didn't want CHILDREN, but was just slightly disappointed that I wouldn't get to experience growing a life inside of me. Well, I did it for just long enough to know that I didn't like it & that it was not compatible with my lifestyle.

"Just a note... I wouldn't say it quite this way to you if it was a support board... but you said you knew it was a debate board and could face opposing opinions."

Thank-you. I am looking for all opinions, as I am curious how others would see it. I never did post on the abortion support board, as I never felt the need for support with that decision. Once it was made, it was made, & I felt relieved. We have both noticed in the five months since the abortion that a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders.... we KNOW we don't want kids. We've taken the steps required to make sure that we DON'T have kids (the post-vas sperm test is tomorrow).


Edited 6/12/2003 1:14:35 PM ET by happyjusttwo

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:33pm
Well, I can understand why you made the decision to abort a pregnancy you didnt want.

I personally am also a very physically active person. Before I got pregnant I ran 5-7 miles a day (and have for the past 13 years), did yoga daily, white water kayaked in spring/summer and snow board in winter. I've always been very fit, trim and had a great bod if I may say so myself;-) I have to admit, a twin pregnancy changed all that. I havent been able to jog let alone run since I got pregnant. I couldnt do yoga the first trimester, boarding and kayaking obviously were out for this season. But...I could give a rats arse. I'm happy as can be, love my big huge expanding belly and all the amazing things it now does (kicks, wiggles, pushes out in different directions when the twins move, etc). But...if I hadnt wanted to be pregnant I know I wouldnt feel this way. Nor would my husband who has had to accomodate a moody, sleepy, not so mobile wife who isnt *even* interested in sex (too much info?!) at all....

So yes, I can understand your decision, and, I can understand not wanting to go through a pregnancy and then put a child up for adoption. In fact, I can't imagine going through a pregnancy and then putting a baby up for adoption.


MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 3:35pm
"I'm happy as can be, love my big huge expanding belly and all the amazing things it now does (kicks, wiggles, pushes out in different directions when the twins move, etc). But...if I hadnt wanted to be pregnant I know I wouldnt feel this way. Nor would my husband who has had to accomodate a moody, sleepy, not so mobile wife who isnt *even* interested in sex (too much info?!) at all...."

To my way of thinking, if you (both) wanted the pregnancy (or were at least open to the possibility, but the timing was off) then all of that would be really cool... though occasionally still frustrating (and I did check with a friend who has 2 kids, she agrees, even when you want it, the "beach ball impression" (please don't take that negatively, it isn't meant negatively) can get tiring at times...), the results are worth it. For us (my husband never had a desire for children anyways) the thought of all those changes, to have a result that we didn't want at the end, was horrifying.

"So yes, I can understand your decision, and, I can understand not wanting to go through a pregnancy and then put a child up for adoption. In fact, I can't imagine going through a pregnancy and then putting a baby up for adoption. "

I've never been able to imagine that either. An amazing, selfless decision to make, but just not for me. I appreciate someone who is in a totally different situation at least being able to appreciate my point.

By the way, I think the idea of twins is so neat... even if they will be a whole lot of work. Good luck to you in the rest of your experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 4:00pm
Well the part I can't imagine is terminating a pregnancy so that you won't feel ridiculous. I'm sorry that's JMHO. -- Kao
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 4:04pm
Oops, sorry, should have read other msg's first before responding. All I can say is, I can understand why you wouldn't want to go through with a pregnancy and then give a baby away for adoption but I can't see that as justification for the ending of its life. I guess that's what makes me PL. -- Kao
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 7:27pm
I had an abortion many years ago and completely justified it. Not the right time, not the right guy, I wouldn't be a good mom, I could never give up my baby, blah, blah, blah, and on and on. I was content, even happy with my decision for many years. Partied my brains out. "Good thing I didn't have a baby to tie me down..." But now....when I think about what I did, I am horrified. I wish with all my heart I could reverse my decision. The loss and shame I feel is overwhelming at times. The point is, I thought I was getting rid of a "problem". But it has come back to haunt me 1000 times over. A problem cannot be swept under the rug, so to speak. An abortion may take care of the problem for the present, "whew! relief! My problem is OVER. Thank God!!" But as your life changes and YOU change, you begin to think about the ramifications of what that decision really cost you. You stomped out a precious life. A gift to you from your Creator. A living, breathing human being. A miracle. A blessing. Even if you decide to place your baby with another family, it is a blessing to them...and you would know. You would know. Sometimes gifts don't come wrapped up all pretty and shiny, that doesn't mean we throw them in the garbage. Whenever we are faced with unsurmountable challenges and we work through them, there is unparralled personal growth.

It was much easier to abort my baby then to deal with my life. Abortion is a cop out. Plain and simple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 7:53pm
WOW! I'm so glad you think you know how I will feel.

At 30 and happily married for almost 9 years, I have no intention of partying my brains out anymore. I want to live my life, with my husband, alone... together. Happy Just the Two of us.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. The best I can figure out, this happenned when it did to cement our decision that we do NOT want children, ever. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I will regret my decision someday. However, I would rather live with the possibility of future regrets that the certainty of present regrets. To me, the one word I could come up with to sum up how I felt when I found myself pregnant was "resentment". I would resent a child for being in my life. What a loving Mom that would make.

And, since you didn't give the child up for adoption, how do you know that would have been better? I feel that if I give birth, I am responsible for that life, personally.

As to personal growth..... yep, I've grown through this decision. I KNOW myself even better than I did before. Much as I love other people's children, it is not my place in life to be a Mom.

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 7:55pm
"I was content, even happy with my decision for many years. Partied my brains out. "Good thing I didn't have a baby to tie me down..." But now....when I think about what I did, I am horrified. I wish with all my heart I could reverse my decision. The loss and shame I feel is overwhelming at times. The point is, I thought I was getting rid of a "problem". But it has come back to haunt me 1000 times over. A problem cannot be swept under the rug, so to speak. An abortion may take care of the problem for the present, "whew! relief! My problem is OVER. Thank God!!""

Okay, so you feel you made the wrong decision for you. That's too bad, I feel sorry for you. But, the women (some were girls) I know who had abortions didnt "party their brains out" or wish they could reverse their decisions now.

" But as your life changes and YOU change, you begin to think about the ramifications of what that decision really cost you. You stomped out a precious life. A gift to you from your Creator. A living, breathing human being. A miracle. A blessing."

You mean *you* feel this way. Not everyone feels this way. And, aborting a fetus doesnt "stomp" out a breathing human being. A fetus at 8 weeks old, hasnt developed the ability to breath, it doesnt feel. And not everyone believes in your "Creator."

" Even if you decide to place your baby with another family, it is a blessing to them...and you would know. You would know."

So maybe *you* should have made that choice? But don't assume its the right choice for everyone.

" Sometimes gifts don't come wrapped up all pretty and shiny, that doesn't mean we throw them in the garbage. Whenever we are faced with unsurmountable challenges and we work through them, there is unparralled personal growth."

Yep, and for some, that "unparralleled personal growth" comes from facing their mistakes, making the decision that is right for them, and sometimes that is abortion, and moving on.

Again, two of my closest friends have had abortions. One now has a brand new baby girl and is a very happy woman. However, she doesnt pine over the abortion she had at 18. She knows it was the right thing to do at that time.

"It was much easier to abort my baby then to deal with my life. Abortion is a cop out. Plain and simple."

You mean it was a cop out for you, in your opinion. Its not a cop our for everyone. For some its the best thing to do in a very difficult situation. I wish you could see beyond your own experience and realize that.


MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 9:56pm
Welcome to the debate.

I don't think you really want to know what we think. You've justified this decision and have moved on. You didn't have to make the choice you did. You could have just as well gone the adoption route.

The one conclusion that has been drawn in the debate is an unwanted pregnancy (or any pregnancy) just serves to reaffirm the opinions you already held. I had an unwanted pregnancy. It was my fourth and at a time when we were just totally unprepared for another child. I had people mention adoption to me and no, I couldn't do it. What stopped me was a fear that my other children would internalize giving away the baby and worry about their position in the family. I would rather try to find a way to fit another child into my life than have to explain the other choices at some point in the future.

Kim 

Mom to Brad, Ma

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