I can't believe it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
I can't believe it!
7
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 9:35pm

I can't believe it. My husband uttered the a word tonight. Actually he did not even say the word, but he said that he was starting to wonder if "that" is so out of the question.

Some of you remember me posting here. I came in all fire and fury pro life and then I changed my views to pro choice. I say it this way, I am pro life regarding myself and pro choice regarding others. I would never have an abortion but I can understand why someone in another situation might make that decision and it is not my job to judge or even to change minds. It is just my job to live my life and by my morals the best way that I can.

And my husband knows all that. He knows how I feel about the whole issue and in regards to myself. So I cannot believe he would even approach it with me and I said as much to him. And he said he was just being honest.
He said "I just don't know if this is a good idea" and I said "it might not be a good idea but what is already is" and he said "I am starting to wonder if THAT is so out of the question". I told him that wasn't nessecarily a good thing to say to me and he said he was just being honest.

So now I worry, how strong is my marriage. I will be having this baby. But will that make him resent me forever? But if I even entertained the idea of doing something that I cannot morally do, I would resent him forever and our marriage could definatley not survive that. I love him, he says he loves me and I know he loves our current 3 kids. I was hoping that he would come around and once this baby is born he would love it just as much as the others.
Do you think a marriage can survive this?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 11:47am

I think your marriage can survive it. He obviously had a lot of faith in tech strength of your marriage to even broach it when he knows how you feel (maybe not a lot of brains at that moment but a lot of faith)

I think he is probably in panic mode. He is feeling a lot of pressure to feed another mouth and is maybe not sure he has what it takes to raise 4 kids. I would wait a couple days and discuss it once you have a bit more perspective. Ask him exactly why he feels the way he does. It may have just been a panicky foot in mouth moment






Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photobucket
*
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 12:40pm
I think you are right. I was thinking about it and I am really not even mad at him for bringing it up. It is not like he actually asked that of me or demanded. He was just being honest. We were able to talk about it a little this morning and the sweetie that he normally is said, I guess we need to buy you some prenatal vitamins.
Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 2:44pm

I think you absolutely can survive this - it's a measure of the strength and honesty between you two that you are able to discuss all options, even when he knows you already have passionate feelings on the topic.

I have an inverted example - my husband made a radical career move this summer, which profoundly changed our home life. He went from being a very flexible, self-employed man who was always around to have lunch with me to a high-powered snazzy dressing corporate type and requires a long commute on top of lots of hours. It was an opportunity that we didn't seek - it came to him and accepting it was really scary for me, knowing that I'm pregnant and I have a really insane school schedule and I really depended on having him around and available to me. Suddenly he has this amazing career opportunity which is actually scarier for me than having this baby.

Prior to formally accepting the position, it was really important to me that he let me really get my feelings out about this. There were entire days of our discussion on the topic where I was entirely negative about the job. This was hard for him to hear through his excitement. In the end, I was able to "vent" it all out and get around to being able to express that overall, I did agree that this was a wise move and we'd better get planning for his new corporate wardrobe, etc.

I know that a job is a far cry from a pregnancy - but I really strongly believe that couples able to express especially emotions that might be poorly received are in a good place. Just imagine if your husband had quashed his fears and compounded them with guilt, and silently looked at you during the pregnancy wondering what if?

Tell him that you love him for being honest with you! (Not that that in any way implies you would have let his opinions actually dictate your action). :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 3:04pm
Thanks and actually I already did this. He said what he said last night before going out to throw darts.
This morning I had a little talk with him and told him that I was not mad about what he said and that I was glad that he could be honest. And I shared some of my feelings about this pregnancy (I am happy) and listened to his concerns as well.
I think all will be okay.
Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 3:29pm

Yay! Hugs. I got the sense from your second post that you were already there, but it's so important for everyone (read: lurkers, too) to understand that it's crucial to be able to say things to your mate that they don't want to hear. And to listen to them!

Of course, it's harder to be calm about it when you're pregnant - my biggest issue with my husband's new job is that we had this plan of the two of us both being home full-time for the first 6 months after the baby is born, and now that's certainly not going to happen.

It'll be harder now but in the long run, a good choice.

I hope you are feeling healthy and beautiful in this pregnancy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 1:30pm
Hi again, I haven't seen you for a while! Congrats on your pregnancy :) It sounds like you already got some great advice on your situation so I don't have anything to add, but I wanted to say seeing you open your mind to new ideas and search out your feelings(on this board and the religion debate) has been wonderful. You children are lucky to have a mom with such an open heart and an open mind. I remember you talking about some financial concerns a while ago and I wanted to recommend a great book I read recently called The Complete Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyczyn. It has really helped me with some creative money saving solutions and I found it at my local library. The woman who wrote the book raised 6 children and bought their own house on one income by being creativly frugal. Anyway, take care and I hope things turn out wonderfully for both of you!
Photobucket 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 5:53pm
You should do what YOU feel is right. If this brings an end to your marriage, it would be sad but at least you won't be resentful over doing something that you couldn't morally handle.