teaching abstinence

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
teaching abstinence
106
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 11:04pm

Hey I was just thinking about abstinence, and about how teaching abstinence doesn't really work

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 11:34pm

The lure of the forbidden is a good start.

It's a similar issue with alcohol. In countries where alcohol is treated with respect (and not as a horribly taboo subject), kids do not drink underage or binge drink anywhere near to the extent that they do in this country. In this country, we flood kids with images about sex and alcohol, then tell them that both are verboten. We might as well just tell them to do both, because that is the result.

That said, I think that biology is working against you to try to get kids to remain abstinent until their early 20's. The societal concept that premarital sex is inherently evil is a relatively recent concept (only about the last 200 years or so). Prior to that, and even during the last 200 years to a large extent, premarital sex with your intended was almost expected in Western society. The main concern about premarital sex and pregnancy was that a young woman might get pregnant and her suitor would not take responsibility. Premarital sex usually garnered a slap on the wrist compared to extramarital sex, which was punishable by death in many places.

They tried this back in the late 1800s with saltpeter, graham crackers, corn flakes, some really barbaric-looking equipment that attached to the genitals, guilt, threats, and some outright lies (masturbation causes hairy palms). It didn't work.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 8:11am

In my case, I think it's because my parents were very black and white about things, there was no discussion about sex, especially not from my father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 10:24am

"What makes a teenager, especially girls, have sex?"


I think when you take raging hormones and put a male and female in a situation where they are alone, biology takes over in most cases.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 12:55pm

I had sex when I was 15 because I loved my boyfriend, the same reason adults have sex. I had no desire to have sex because it was forbidden or bad, I did it because I loved the person I was with and it was one thing that he and I only shared together.


He never forced or made me do anything, I had two parents at home who were very involved with my life and I was a happy and good person. I was not looking for attention by having sex and nor did I need to have sex for us to stay together.


I am also now married to that same guy I had sex with and he is the only guy I have been with.


If I had to go back, I'd do the same thing again. It was the right age for me.




Edited 2/7/2008 12:57 pm ET by seirith
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 1:34pm

That's awesome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 2:22pm
I thin kit's the minority. but I'm one of them too.
My hubby and I met when we were 15 yrs old. I did wait until we were 17 to have regular old sexual intercourse with him. As horny as we were, I di NOT want to become pregnant. So we had lotsa Clinton-Style Relations ;-)
We didn't have sex when we did, to rebel, I didn't do it to "hang on" to him. We were just regular ole lusty kids. I did ask my mom to take me to the OB/GYN to get oral contraceptives before we did the first time though- and we DID wait for the first month. A few months later we turned 18 and moved in with one another- and have been together ever since, and married for almost 23 years now. We've gone through our peaks and valleys- but we've come to a place where we feel secure with each other, passionate and committed. Not a bad place to be,\.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 2:28pm

That's so awesome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 3:35pm

Since everyone else is sharing their experiences, I might as well share mine.

I had sex for the first time at 18. I had been very reserved- sexually speaking- with my boyfriends prior to that. I liked this guy; it was something like the fourth date; I was in the mood and curious, so we had sex. We were both virgins and bumbling idiots. Boy, was I unprepared for the experience. It was quite painful until the third or fourth time doing it. He turned out to be pretty selfish and a liar, too, so we only dated for about six weeks.

A month after we broke up, I started dating my husband. We had sex on the second date- initiated by me again because he was very inexperienced in these things. People sometimes ask me if I feel bad that I didn't "save" myself for my husband. I don't. My husband gets upset if he accidentally lays on my hair on the bed; I honestly don't know how he would have coped forever with the understanding that he had caused me such pain. We'll see how he handles the labor and delivery.

Was sex really painful for you all the first time? I've thought long and hard about this and I've decided I may try to give my daughter advice when the time comes about things she can do to make it less painful.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 3:43pm

Wasn't painful for me.

I think a large part of whether it's going to be a painful experience boils down to 2 things:1) the genetics of what kind of hymen you are born with, as there's huge variation from negligable to imperforata, and 2) having a partner that uses an excess of lubrication, communication, and time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 5:37pm

Thanks! My parents actually only dated each other as well so they taught me a lot about working problems out and being able to ignore the small stuff and deal with the big stuff.

I never really thought at 15 he would be the one I would marry but then I turned 16 and then 17 and then 18 and it was like WOW we are still together LOL and then we talked about getting engaged and I knew I would marry him.

I know a lot of 15 year olds are not ready for love and sex for love. At the time I had told him I wanted to wait until I was 18 to have sex but then I got on the pill and we used condoms. I felt safe enough to not get pregnant so we decided not to wait.

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