to tell ..... or not to tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
to tell ..... or not to tell
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 12:26pm

my girlfriend and i are having an on going discussion... i thought i would get some advice here.

my girlfriends daughter is almost 15... and our daughter's are friends.

my girlfriend had an abortion when she was almost 18.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 1:53pm

Personally, I think you'd have to gauge the kid. Does she seem savvy to these kinds of things? I also think it would have a lot to do with the approach. I mean, you don't just tell your kid you had an abortion over the box of cornflakes, right?

If it were me, I'd probably ask her what she would do if she found out one of her friends was pregnant. What would she tell the friend if she was asked for advice? And then see where that discussion goes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 3:11pm
If your friend thinks she is ready then I would tell her. by 15 I was pregnant so I would not say that it is an age group that needs to be spared the information.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 8:36pm
I don't think a particular age matters so much as what the context is and why she's really sharing. I'd probably save the information for a time when the daughter has brought the subject up or the conversation has naturally come around to the topic rather than just bring it up out of the blue.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 10:26pm

If your friend's daughter is an average 15-year-old, she knows at least a few people who are having sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 11:05pm

Just because we have kids doesn't mean we have to share every detail about our past and personal life with them.

I don't think she should necessarily lie if asked outright, "Mom, did you ever have an abortion?".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 2:59pm

I'm going to guess that your gf and her DD have already had some discussions about sex and pregnancy and such.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 7:36pm

Will it benefit the daughter in any way to know this personal infornation about her mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 12:29am
This is something to sae up for. for myspace adult comments
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 4:11pm

i have a daughter, almost 10 yrs old. i have been discussing sex and puberty and everything in between with her since she was 7 or 8 in order that, when she gets to that age she will know that i have been open and honest with her in every aspect of her life and she will know that she can do the same with me without the fear of judgement being passed on her. i think the only subject i have not approached with her so far is abortion. not saying that i wouldn't tell her if she got into that situation just that i wouldn't want that to be the first thought in her head in that situation KWIM?
i would prefer that she tries to weigh the pro's and con's of her actions before deciding that was the right way to go.

on a bit of a different topic, something in this post made me think about how i felt. i have 2 girls now and my DH and i had wanted to try for a boy. we conceived very easily but i lost it at almost 14 weeks... i was convinced that was my fault because i had an abortion and also that the next year of trying was my fault too because of the abortion. just because you think you make the right choices at the time it doesn't always mean its not going to come back to haunt you in some other way