what about the father?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
what about the father?
16
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:00am
also what does everyone think about the father of the baby? say he wants the child although he cant carry it for nine months, doesnt he and shouldnt he have rights to say if the child should be aborted? it is also his baby and the woman did not get pregnant on her own?

pcers want to argue that its the womans body and her constitutional right, but what about the mans constutional rights. isnt this a double standard? are we saying that a father is only a sperm donor and has no ties or rights to his children? and that a child is the mothers sole responsibility?

and doesnt this effect the mans rights as a person to happiness, health, etc?

what if his girlfriend aborted and this may sound stupid, but he wanted the child, opposed the abortion, and as a result of her obtaining a abortion despite his feelings that her became depressed or whatever. isnt this unfair? shouldnt he have a right to make a decsion about his childs life also? pregnancy is only nine months a woman can then give the child to the father or for adoption.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:56am
i think that you're right. if you are in a loving relationship the father would be there for support in raising the child. the child is half his. but that means that he can't be a dead beat dad. also, think about younger couples (teenagers). the father may want the child, or he may not. he is so young he may not understand the responsibilty of a child. also the paerents then come into play. a young woman may get an abortion out of fear. both mother and father may be coerced into the abortion by the parents. remember that it is the woman who will carry the child, she can not hide that she is pregnant. if you're in highschool that carries a lot of stigmatism. the father doesn't have to tell anyone...no one would know. but i fully belive that if you and your sig. other should openly discuss what you want to do, and why. provided that the father is around to discuss this with. (i'm speaking in terms of rapes, one night stands etc...). if you are old enough and responsible enough to have a sexual relationship, then you should be mature enough to make your decision through conversation with both parties involved. of course, people aren't always cool calm and collected when something like this happens, more often than not logic goes out the window. angel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 11:07am
I am PL, and don't think abortion *should* be a legal option for the average pregnancy, but let me turn this around for a moment, in the spirit of debate.

I understand that it is the father's child as well, and perhaps he would rather the woman NOT have an abortion. While I support that in theory, it opens up a very nasty door. If he can *force* a woman to NOT have an abortion, then that could lead to him having the right to *insist* that the woman DOES have one. After all, it's his child too, right? His decision too?

Yes, it's unfortunate that the man has very little rights here, but nothing can be done about the way reproduction works. Whether you are PL or PC, you can't argue the fact that the woman must be the one whose body nurtures a fetus.

-Deb

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:08pm
Wasn't there a movie out that was based on a true story where the father kidnapped his pregnant girlfriend and held her hostage until it was too late for her to get an abortion? He obviously won the abortion point becasue she was 5 months pregnant when he "returned" her. Then he sued her for custody of the baby saying if you were going to abort it, it means you don't want it...The guy was nutso...I don't remember the court outcome but I beleive she ended up killing him to keep him away from her and the baby.

Anyway, I do really have a point here. I am PC. I believe it's a womans' right to do what she will with her own body. That being said, I beleive that the father should have a say in what happens to his child...within reason. Is he a good man? Will he support you? Or in the case above, is he a nutcase? I am against abortion (for me, yes I"m PC) but abortion is legal, kidnapping is not....

Once all avenues are discussed, weather a woman agree's with the father of the baby or not, it is still her right to choose.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:15pm
i agree with you......but if all avenues are explored and the father is a good man, the couple has no real reason for abortion (ie they are financially ok, old enough, mature enough blah blah blah) and the women goes against his wishes "just because" its her body i think that says something about the woman. regardless if he's for or against the abortion. i hope that no one would act that way though, and i don't think i've ever met anyone who would do something just because they can (in relation to a huge decision like this).
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:41pm
ugh. please. first of all, have you ever BEEN pregnant? nine months is nine months. it is a VERY long time indeed when you are pregnant, even when you want the baby..sometimes it is unending misery. I wanted my baby. I was pregnant for about a year and a half...why do I say that? because I had three misscarriage prior to carrying to term. all rather close together. and the pregnancy that went to term? I was on bed rest and violently ill for the first four months, limited activity and sometimes bed rest for the next three months and allowed some up and around the last couple of months. I lost 11 pounds in the first trimester and about 5 pounds in each susiquent trimester. I was that ill. the baby was fine however, just me that was that ill.

father's rights? when a man can carry a child in his body then he has rights in terms of keeping a baby to term. it is not his body. do I think that maybe more of men's feelings should be taken into account? yep. but ultimately, it is only the woman who can decided to SACRIFICE 9 months of her life if she wishes to carry to term a baby she does or doesn;t want. by the way. I have done this for a man. My firs child I carried to term for the baby's father and gave up to him and his wife shortly after his birth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 1:09pm
I have been pregnant. I have had miscarrages. I personally loved being pregnant. I didn't have anywhere near the troubles you've had so that probably explains my anxiousness to become pregnant again.

That being said, If in my situation (happily married, no drug or alcohol dependancies, no abuse, financially ok) I said "hey I'm pregnant but I don't want to be, I'm going to get an abortion". I think in that scenario, I would be wrong. It is my husband's child too. Barring health issues (like yours) where my life is threatened by actually being pregnant and trying to carry to term, or where the pregnancy is just really really difficult, there is really NO good reason for me to do it except that I want to and I can. (WHich I think is what the other poster was getting at). In the case where the relationship is dysfunctional, abusive or the father is aloof to the whole thing, then I say, it's up to the woman to decide on her own.

Yes, the ultimate choice is a woman's but there does have to be some consideration for the fact that this child is not her's alone. It is possibly unfair at times but that is the way human reproduction works. As humans we do have to consider others feelings and wishes besides our own. Yes in the case of just a bad pregnancy (not life threatening), it may FEEL like forever but it IS only 9 months. The father of that baby (if he in fact REALLY wanted it and you are going against his wishes and aborting) has to live with what you did to his child for the rest of his life...there HAS to be some consideration for that, even if the ultimate decision is still to abort.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 1:26pm
I think in loving, committed relationships, men should have somewhat of a say. But I'm willing to bet the majority of abortions don't come out of those types of situations. We all know the stereotype of the pregnant teen being the one at the abortion clinic. And in their case, I'm sure the guy could want the child, but who knows if he'll stick around after its born. Most teenage boys run after they get all the sex they wanted, I wouldn't expect many to stay around and support a girl during pregnancy.

Donating sperm doesn't automatically make someone a father. Fathers are real men who love the woman they're with and will stand by her through the hard times no matter what. They offer unconditional love, patience, and fidelity. And those men should have a say. Call me cynical, but i don't believe there are all that many men of that caliber left out there, but you never know. However, I wouldn't consider any other guy to be of father status and therefore, they have no right to intrude on a woman's pregnancy just because he was on the other end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 2:56pm
actualy im have just had my second son in april after a tough pregnancy. my first son born in 1997 was a easy pregnancy, but the labor was a nightmare over 32 hours. this time the labor was a breeze only seven hours but the first few months i was depressed and scared. my baby wouldnt reveal a heartbeat on ultra sound or the sthetiscope?dont know how to spell it.... until i was five months pregnat. i had six ultra sounds, i keep bleeding until four months pregnat sometimes heavily, the doctor keep doing ultra sounds expecting to find a nonviable fetus. now my baby who is two months old is 14 pounds and fat and healthy, so yes i have children....

next nine months out of your life to give a baby possibly 70 years or more on this earth is not a long time at all!! and i commend you for carrying your first child to term and giving it to the father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 5:31pm
"If in my situation (happily married, no drug or alcohol dependancies, no abuse, financially ok) I said "hey I'm pregnant but I don't want to be, I'm going to get an abortion". I think in that scenario, I would be wrong. It is my husband's child too"

I totally agree with you. In a marriage it is totally different and I do feel it would be wrong for me not to take my husbands feelings into acount in amking any decision concerning our unborn.

but when they aren't married? there is no committment. too many men run away from responsibility towards their children. as soon as it gets tough...they can leave, the woman can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 11:02pm
in that situation it was the right thing to do. Although the father and i had no future with eachother, I could see past my anger with him(it is a very very looong story)and see him for the potentially good father that he turned out to be. He begged me on hands and knees and supported me financially through the pregnancy(note, not emotionally). He and his wife have made relaatively good larents. Do I agree with everything they ahve done? NOPE, but over all yes. My second son was an open adoption and I have contact with the family regualarly. It is a wonder to see him grow!

but NINE MONTHS is a long time to a woman who doens't want to be pregnant and doesn't want the baby at all and I dimply do not think it is fair to tell that person that is what they should do just becuase you or I or anyone thinks it is.

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