What are your thoughts on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
What are your thoughts on this?
37
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:16pm

I found out on June 7th, I should have been 9.5 weeks, that my baby was only 5.5 weeks with no heartbeat- at the u/s.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:22pm

Yu did not have an abortion. You did not induce the death of your fetus. It had died at 5.5 weeks in utero, and you had to get it out of you or you were next.

I am so sorry for your pain, but do not compound it with misplaced guilt. You did nothing wrong.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:22pm

In my opinion, rather than be bothered by the term *abortion* or what other people might think about the decision you made you and your SO need be thankful that this type of option exists so that you didn't die by retaining a toxic fetus in your body.

Your friend is in denial about what is medical science.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:34pm

Your friend is misinformed on your situation...you did not cause the death of your unborn baby...your baby was already gone...you did nothing to cause your loss. Your loss, or abortion...sponatanous abortion, or miscarriage, is not the same as induced abortion...she needs to be informed of the difference. It is sad that she won't talk to you so that you can inform her of the difference. You had no choice but to have the D&C so that you could have the lost pregnancy removed...it was making you ill...and inevitably could have killed you...this also happened to a good friend of mine, her baby died a couple of weeks before she found out...I am so sorry for your loss and am also sorry for the loss of your "friend"...I am sorry she doesn't understand and that she is not there for you when you need her most. This is a double whammy for you and I am so sorry.

(((Hugs)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:48pm

I'm so sorry for your loss, kittymommy. Sometimes mothers in your situation prefer a medication induction as it allows them to complete the abortion at home, and some women even bury what they pass as a part of the grieving process. Plenty of other moms would prefer to finish things more concisely with their doc, as happens with a D&C. Obviously your own comfort level and needs when your mourn this are yours alone - and so hard to have your husband away from you now! I only offer these suggestions to let you know that there is a broad spectrum of what women do in order to reach closure and that's normal and okay.

I hope you are surrounded by love and support.
Hopefully your friend will get over her own shock and stop being so insensitive - she may be in denial about your loss and incapable of responding appropriately to you now, perhaps she will have the grace to come around with some time.

I'm in my 9th week of pregnancy and it can sometimes be so hard to believe what is going on when my body looks the same from the outside, yet feels so different.

Okay, I also feel a need to respond to dbl007, apologies for abruptly changing tone. (oh, I just now caught the Bond reference, ha, don't process text the same way when reading as when typing)

She did have an abortion. In every profession there is a technical language which allows us to speak with increased accuracy. Every time a gestation ends prior to 20 weeks it is an abortion. It may be spontaneous, it may be induced, but it is an abortion. Furthermore, it wasn't a fetus. Until the 10th gestational week it's an embryo. Using sloppy language doesn't make the experience any kinder or easier for her. The differentiation between an embryo and a fetus depends on the completion of the development of the essential organ systems, and typically when there is a developmental accident of sufficient severity it results in a spontaneous abortion, which is why most spontaneous abortions occur so early and don't affect future fertility, as I'm sure she already knows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:54pm

Hi wobbitnobby,

My apologies for not using your correct terminology, but I take great exception to being talked down by you in such a manner.

Having been on this board for almost 4 years, I am aware of the correct terminology but used more general terms to relate to the OP. Rather than school the OP on terminology, I was more interested in her misplaced guilt.

I would appreciate it, if there is a next time, that you take the time to email me privately rather than one up on the forum.

Much appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:56pm

Well, medically speaking it may be called a spontaneous abortion, but medically kitty had a D & C to remove her unborn child who passed away inside the womb...leaving it there would not bring it back to life so that it could begin to develop as her friend suggested...and I think the term "abortion" is what tripped up her friend...her friend has categorized the term "abortion" with only one meaning...the willful act of ending one's pregnancy..or that of ending the life of one's unborn child...which kitty did not do...because of the medical terminology of any pregnancy that ends before the twentieth week, no matter how it ends, her friend can't get past it even though kittymommy had nothing to do with the ending of her pregnancy....her pregnancy was ended whether she left it in her uterus or removed it...but by leaving it, it could have killed her. I think that the only thing Kittymommy needs to tell anyone is that she had to have a D & C because her baby died and her body didn't expel it...personally I don't think she even has to use the medical term abortion...because it is correct that she had to have a D & C...and I think her friend would accept this...and it is the whole, God's honest truth.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:10pm

I'm sad that you took it so hard. And confused that you would continue if you know the difference. There are tons of people that read but don't post, so I try to keep my comments as public as possible for their benefit as well as yours.

Stigmatizing the term 'abortion' contributed to her friend's rejection, though from my own friend's experience with early pregnancy loss I definitely saw some of our other friends treating her less-than sensitively while they went through their own grieving process. So I know that can happen without such a knee-jerk reaction to the word.

Stigma is a huge part of the problem around many female things - there is a big part of the grieving of stillbirth and abortion that is rightly private, but a lot has to do with our cultural rejection of it. Another friend lost her baby in a cord accident during birth, and she has become an activist around the importance of being able to talk about these losses. Not that anyone should be forced to, but if we all make women feel like they are bad or at fault or tainted when they have a stillbirth, or a spontaneous abortion, or a birth control failure, or an induced abortion, we are not helping to prevent these situations. We are perpetuating a shroud of mystery and silence around the issues that prevent women from talking with eachother and offering good support, and feeling comfortable asking for education.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:11pm
Thanks, Sue. I was scratching my head b/c the medical procedure is actually a D&C. The spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) happened at 5.5 weeks, and by no intention of the OP, so she did not go in to "abort" at 9.5 weeks because the fetus (oops, make that embryo) was already deceased 4 weeks prior. That's what the friend and the OP were referring to (at least that's what I inferred) - that she went in to have an abortion, not that the medical term for the miscarriage is also "abortion".
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:16pm

Wobitnobby,

Your tone and reference to "sloppy terminology" was not appreciated, especially considering it was neither the time nor place IMO for me to school the OP on terminology, nor do I believe you were correct, which kind of defeats the whole purpose.

The OP had a miscarriage 4 weeks before her D&C. Which are you referring to? That she had two abortions? One that was spontaneous, and the other that was the D&C?

.......your turn to be precise.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:21pm

Exactly...the same thing happened to a friend of mine...hers died at 7 weeks gestation, she found out at 9 weeks gestation...awful experience. Nobody at fault and I feel for kittymommy...she should not be made to feel guilty. She needs her friend right now...sometimes medical terminology can trip us up...sometimes things just are what they are.

Sue

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