Why is it different with miscarriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Why is it different with miscarriage?
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 11:34am

This is a very real question I have been contemplating since Thursday.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 11:56am


I'm sure things are really raw for you. I'm sure you wanted this pregnancy to continue and were attached to it. That doesn't change basic biology. There isn't a child until the moment of birth. A z/e/f can be perceived in a person's mind as a child but that doesn't make it so.

You're both grieving because you'd invested something emotional in the potential of a new person in 8 months time. That's not wrong. But it also doesn't change biology.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 11:56am

First, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a wanted pregnancy and how hard that would be.

Second, I hope that my words aren't offensive because, of course, there is no way I can know how you are feeling right now. But I imagine that the reason you are mourning your miscarriage is because it was a wanted pregnancy and a very wanted baby. But that's not how it is for every woman. Many women who miscarry and have an abortion only ever feel relief and gratitude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 1:08pm

First I am sorry for your loss and I will do my best to answer your question as best I can from my own experiences.

When we get pregnant and plant to have a baby we start visualizing our fetus as a full grown baby, After all a fetus is not a very cuddly image and really most of us have never seen a REAL fetus so we have no frame of reference.

When we miscarry we loose all those images along with the dreams we had for the offspring we were growing within us. We only ever imagined this unknown entity as a baby so that is what we loose. We loose all that potential and it hurts like a SOB.

You planned to have a baby so in a very real sense you lost a baby, your future baby.

In terms of biology though you lost a fetus.

Also most people (thank god) have never lost an actual baby so have no frame of reference but it is a very different experience. There is no abstract to it, no imagined features, no made up temperament (because we cant know these things before birth) but instead there are memories. There are things they owned and played with lying all over your house.

>> If this is true why are my husband and I grieving so much? <<

because you lost a lot. Biologically you lost a fetus but emotionally you lost your baby, you lost your plans and hopes and dreams, you lost everything that might have been and it has been replaced with a cold certainty of what will not be and that is never easy.

Not that I am not more than willing to talk to you about this but I just want to put it out there that this is a debate board so your questions could go anywhere. You are in an emotionally fragile place so you may want to seek out a support board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 1:47pm

First - I lurked on the June board and I think I saw you there, I'm sorry that you are having to go through any of this and it can be a devastating thing to a lot of people. People are going to tell you that time heals all wounds but, in reality, it may not heal this one and I agree with Melisa, you might want to seek out a support board. There are several here on iVillage and there is also the national SHARE - Miscarriage and Infant Loss Support Boards, a simple google search can bring you to them if you want.

Now ... the second a person sees that stick with the plus sign or the two lines they instantly start to think about the baby that will emerge from them. They start to wonder what he or she will be like, who they will look like, who they will act like. Will the baby be athletic or brainy? You develop hopes for your baby, hoping that they go to college or become the president.

With a miscarriage you grieve thoughts. You grieve wants, desires, hopes and dreams. You also grieve because suddenly, you will no longer experience the pregnancy. A lot of women grieve because they feel their body has failed them so they grieve for their ability to have children (although 1 miscarriage in NO way means you can't have children). You lose a lot when you have a miscarriage.


- Andie -

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 3:08pm
I'm sorry for your loss. To answer your question though, I'd say the difference lies in perceptions.
I miscarried my 1st and 4th pregnancies, at 11 and 10 wks gestation respectively.
For me, I never felt it that I was losing a child. I was losing the potential for a child to be born at the end of a successful pregnancy. Once I realized I was grieving the loss of the dreams I had for those pregnancies, I was able to face it, heal and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 3:12pm
First, big hugs!

I don't have much to add the already wonderful responses given, but as I've miscarried a number of times (and aborted due to medical emergency), given birth, and adopted,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 6:19pm

I've given this topic some thought too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 7:32pm

I really have nothing else to add to the great explaintions the other women here have given you but wanted to send lots of (((((((((HUGS))))))))) your way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 10:06am
I cannot add anything to what has already been said.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 12:53pm

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. The loss of a wanted pregnancy is an awful thing, and you have my deepest sympathies.

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