You think you know...you don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
You think you know...you don't.
126
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:18pm
This is not for someone who has issues with rape...I'm so tired of hearing ppl berate us for having abortions, like we ENJOY doing it. Just hear my story.

Picture this in your mind.

You're a 17 year old girl. Not extremely pretty, not outgoing, not a partier. Your Saturday night is usually spent vegging out in front of the TV with a girlfriend. You got just out of a nearly 3 year relationship..one that was filled with emotional abuse and being used for sex. And you're only 17. You're naive for 17...blame that on your parents, they never let you be who you were or let you do anything for yourself. You still look at the world through rose colored glasses..and you're about to get a really big wake up call. You like playing matchmaker...and you set up a friend with a guy you met online...YOU'RE not interested in guys right now, one screwed you over too much, but you agree when he says he'll bring a blind date so your friend won't have to go alone. You and your friend meet the guys, they're nice enough...unfortunatly, they wanna get high. So does your friend. Not your thing, but being the follower you are, you go along to watch them make idiots of themselves. They drink too...so does your friend. You friend makes a pass for YOUR date's roomate. Her real date gets pissed..leaves. Bye-bye transportation. Oh well, you can call one of your friends later. You're friend exits to go "Have fun" with the roommate. Your so called date keeps drinking and smoking...and he starts to get horny. He's about 6 foot, muscular and a well known bully (as you'll find out later). He starts making advances on you...putting his arm around you, trying to tickle you. You politely move away a couple times. Bad idea, that pisses him off. He gets rougher...pushes you back onto the couch when you try to stand up. Yanks your head back so far you can hardly breathe. He pushes you onto your back...You kick, and yell for your friend. She ignores you, having too much fun. You scratch and try to bite. He back hands you. You're shocked...and terrified. You never thought this could happen, always thought you'd be able to fight it off if it started. But the blows you give, he doesn't seem to feel. Every blow he recieves seems to make him more determined. By now he's got your pants down, and his. You start crying, telling him to stop. He doesn't. And now he's in you. You give up (and still have guilty feelings 2 years afterward) and let him do whatever. He doesn't last long, drunk/high guys never do. He passes out on top of you..you push him off and numbly try to collect yourself. You are numb...you can feel the bastards cum dripping out of you and all you want to do is get home and take a shower. You're in a daze. You walk into the roommates room and grab your friend, who is half dressed, and drag her out. She's screaming at you, calling you a bitch and a c*nt for taking her away from him. "Best f*ck of my life" you hear her say. Nothing is registering. You get about a block away before you call a cab to get home. You tell her nothing..same with your dad...just got take a shower and hope you never hear from that sonofabitch again. Don't ever wanna think about him again.

Too bad honey, you're pregnant. How's that for a reminder? You find out a few weeks afterward. You don't even need to take a test..you just *know*. At first you're okay with this idea, you actually get excited about it. You'd be graduated by the time the baby came, actually you'd be 6 months by graduation. You'd be a single parent, sure, but that's doable. Then the idea of telling your parents sets in. THAT terrifies you. You remember very cleary the lecture your stepdad gave you a few years ago about what would happen if you got pregnant...unwed mothers home, adoption, sent away from everyone you know and love. You remember the labels he'd already put on you. For 2 weeks afterward, you keep getting more worried and worried. You get angry...at yourself for letting him rape you...at him for letting his hormones get ahead of his morals (if he had any to begin with)...at your parents for putting such a fear in you that you can't even be happy about having a baby. It's a girl, you can feel it. You name her Kymberly Lynne. And then you panic. You panic at a friends house...and you let her mom convince you to let her make an appt at a clinic. In a week, during Xmas vacation. Perfect right? You walk around in a zombie like state for that week. Your friend takes you that Friday...you can hardly remember getting there and walking past the protesters. Your friend yells at them, tells them to leave you alone. They don't. But you don't even see them. You sit in the waiting room and stare blankly at the other girls in the room. One is with her husband, she looks like she was forced into this. Another is abotu your age and looks impatient...u find out she's late for work. Isn't her first time. Then the nurse calls your name...has to find out your blood type and take a pregnancy test ("I wouldn't be here if I wasn't pregnant lady"). You sign a bunch of release papers. Then they put you in a little white room and stick an IV in your arm. You stare at the ceiling and suddenly your out. You wake up, startled, when the nurse comes back in..you jump. You want to go back to sleep, but then the doctor comes in. No sleeping now. You're half out of it, so you don't really know what's going on. But you can feel it. Lord, can you feel it. It hurts, a LOT. You start to cry. You hear him say "Got an emotional one, do we?" He's done..and you can't stop crying. You cry for the baby you lost...what have you done, you think over and over again. You cry and cry..and the nurse yells at you. Making it harder for yourself, she says. She wraps you in a blanket and stuffs you in an easy chair in another room. Your friend comes in and strokes your hair. You just sit there. She gets the car and leads you to it. More protesters. Damn them. You're feeling enough guilt as it is. And you're expected to resume a normal life. Right. But something happens in you, you go into denial. Suddenly there was no pregnancy, there was no abortion, there was no baby named Kymberly. You're supposed to lay down for a few days, not move. You don't listen, you keep going as if nothing ever happened. It causes complications..painful ones. And you spend a year not being able to look at young children...can't even go into McDonalds without balling your eyes out. So much guilt. And yet ppl sling phrases like "baby killer" at you. And "selfish bitch". Don't they know you torture yourself everyday about it?

Now picture yourself 2 years later. You're 19 now, been in a nice loving steady relationship for a year and a half. You're even engaged. And you're pregnant again. This time both of you are thrilled. Him more than you thought. He's downright excited. But you...you don't feel like you deserve this pregnancy. You don't DESERVE another chance at this. Kymberly never had a chance, why should this one? It kills you. But day by day, you come to terms.

Would you take that day back, hell yes you would. But it's over..done with..although the guilt will always be there.

If abortion is made illegal. Many more women and unborn babies will die because of back alley abortions...unsafe and unclean. It's our choice...and it's not an easy one. It's not like one day we wake up and say "I'm going to kill my baby today!". It's a horrifying experience that causes a lot of guilt and suffering afterwards. For most of us anyway.

My name is Sarah. I'm 19 years old and 6 months pregnant. That was my story. And thousands of girls my age and even younger have similair stories. We are NOT bad. We are NOT evil. It was not easy for us to go through with it. I'm not looking to change anyone's mind...just to let people know what it's really like.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 10:16pm
First, congratulations on your pregnancy! And second, I'm terribly sorry for for the hell you have been through - and seem to still be going through. However, you really are yelling at the wrong people... I am pretty sure none of the regular Pro Life posters on this board believe it is right to stand outside of clinics and harass people. We all seem to be pretty much in agreement about that.

I *do* know what it's like to be date raped. I cringed and felt sick to my stomach when I read your post. I especially identify with giving up... and feeling guilty for years afterward. Sitting there years afterward feeling like you must have made the whole thing up because if you stopped fighting it's all your own fault. I actually confronted this person years later - drove over to his house late at night (with a friend) and stood there and said "You raped me" because I needed to say it to him. He knew that he had, and he said nothing. I left. And now... 11 years later, I finally *believe* that it was not my fault even though I "gave up."

I am grateful that I did not get pregnant. I am grateful that I did not go through what you did. I became another "what if" when I was diagnosed with cancer during my pregnancy, and heard the doctors trying to figure out if I could make it through with both my life and my baby's intact. I was lucky - we are both here and healthy. But it did give me a new respect for never being so sure I knew exactly what I would feel in a situation I've never experienced. Like becoming pregnant as the result of a rape.

So we don't all "think we know." A lot of us KNOW we don't know.

That said, none of that will change the fact that I believe an unborn child, no matter how it was conceived, has the right to life. I will not call you a "baby-killer." I will not say you are "bad" or "evil." In fact, I was that friend (even though I am adamantly PL) who stroked someone's hair after an abortion. Life is not all black and white.

Does that make me think abortion was the right choice? No. Does it make me think it is right that abortion is legal for whatever reason a person would want one? No. I am still pro-life, despite - and perhaps in part BECAUSE of - experiences like yours.

-Deb

 

Avatar for sati769
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 11:35pm
I am so sorry for you losses. the loss of your innocence and the loss of the baby. I was gang raped 11 years ago and I know, I really know what you are talking about. You sound very strong. stay strong.
Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 7:49pm
This is a debate board...so...you might get support here but its probably not the best place to look for it.

That said, I am so sorry you had to go through such a god awful experience. I too was raped, but at 13, and prior to that, had never even gone further than a "making out." I was lucky only in that I didnt get pregnant. But, if I had, I too would have had an abortion. I would have had to. I couldnt even acknowledge that I was raped till 10 years later. Carrying a child to term, when I myself was a child, and a damaged one at that stage...would have been hell.

I hope you've come to terms with your experience as I have.

Best of luck to you.


MM 25 weeks, 3 days pregnant w/boy/girl twins

Avatar for meganeb82
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 1:58pm
"Many more women and unborn babies will die because of back alley abortions...unsafe and unclean."

How safe is it to play God though? The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. (Psalms)

I don't think it said, "Humans give and humans take away."

I think I've made my point.

There is ALWAYS adoption.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 3:17pm
I think you think you know me. I think when you think of pro-life, you're picturing a preacher standing outside a clinic yelling and holding a sign and being mean to scared young girls like yourself. But that's not who I am, despite being pro-life and despite how I'm portrayed. I'm a woman, too. I face the same risks that other women do. My friends and female relatives face the same risks that other women do. I'm pregnant with a daughter now - she's going to face the same risks that other women do, too. I don't think that rape victims are to blame for their tragic circumstances, and I know firsthand how vulnerable sex and pregnancy and childbirth and motherhood make a woman. I'm not pro-life because I think women ought to be punished; I'm pro-life because I think a baby shouldn't be punished, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:03pm
Not everyone looks to the Christian Bible as the be-all-end-all to decisions. Some of us aren't even Christians.

So using a Bible passage to make a point, and then saying "I think I've made my point" is a rather, shall we say, lacking way to debate.

Do you have an answer to the OP's statement "Many more women and unborn babies will die because of back alley abortions... unsafe and unclean."? Do you really think that we should just all lie down and let "God's Will" be the way? Should we not seek medical care, should we let cancer take it's course rather than have Chemotherapy, since that is a "man-invented" procedure?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 4:03pm
Do you give gifts? Do you take things away from your toddler? Are you playing God?

Your "point", at best, is only applicable to Christians who view and interpret the Bible in the exact same way as you.

-Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:16pm
While I feel for what you went through, I have to say that an abortion was not the answer. I know women personally who've been date raped and got pregnant. They kept the baby. I'm sorry, but there is rarely a logical excuse for having an abortion this day and age, even for rape, with the exclusion of molestation. If you would have went to at least the hospital, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant. They have ways to make sure that does not happen.

I'm not talking out my rear here, I wasn't much older than you when I got pregnant the very first time. Yes, the night I lost my virginity, I got pregnant at barely 18. Was I scared? You bet. Especially since I didn't want to marry the guy who got me preggers. To make a long story short, abortion never entered my mind. It's just not reasonable to me to make a baby suffer for my mistakes or others mistakes for that matter.

Yes I know what it is to be raped, maybe not by someone you just met, but my xhusband raped me several times through the course of our marriage. Oh, my son whom I got pregnant with at 18 is 20 years old now, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Take care of yourself

Marisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:20pm
<>

What makes rape different than molestation? Both are invasions of a female body without consent. What makes it ok for one but not the other?? BTW - there are MANY logical REASONS for a woman to have an abortion - especially the OP - your lack of compassion stuns me.

<>

Do tell, WHAT ways does the hospital have? The "morning after" pill?? What exact methods do hospitals use to prevent pregnancy after a rape? I am extremely interested in hearing about this as you seem to be SOOOO knowledgeable....

June

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 7:51pm
I feel that to say that abortion was the answer is to not show compassion for the unborn baby... I guess it would be an embryo at that point... forgive my general use of the word "baby." The OP is the one who has personified and named it though, which is kind of confusing... but I digress. My point is that to say abortion is wrong even in this instance is not a lack of compassion, but what some people truly believe is the most important kind of compassion - the kind for those who cannot defend themselves.

As far as that whole "go to the hospital" thing... I'm with you on this one, I think. Um, the morning after pill is pretty much equivalent to an abortion, in that it ends a pregnancy - it doesn't *prevent* it. I'm not sure what she was getting at there.

-Deb

 

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