You think you know...you don't.
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|Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:18pm|
Picture this in your mind.
You're a 17 year old girl. Not extremely pretty, not outgoing, not a partier. Your Saturday night is usually spent vegging out in front of the TV with a girlfriend. You got just out of a nearly 3 year relationship..one that was filled with emotional abuse and being used for sex. And you're only 17. You're naive for 17...blame that on your parents, they never let you be who you were or let you do anything for yourself. You still look at the world through rose colored glasses..and you're about to get a really big wake up call. You like playing matchmaker...and you set up a friend with a guy you met online...YOU'RE not interested in guys right now, one screwed you over too much, but you agree when he says he'll bring a blind date so your friend won't have to go alone. You and your friend meet the guys, they're nice enough...unfortunatly, they wanna get high. So does your friend. Not your thing, but being the follower you are, you go along to watch them make idiots of themselves. They drink too...so does your friend. You friend makes a pass for YOUR date's roomate. Her real date gets pissed..leaves. Bye-bye transportation. Oh well, you can call one of your friends later. You're friend exits to go "Have fun" with the roommate. Your so called date keeps drinking and smoking...and he starts to get horny. He's about 6 foot, muscular and a well known bully (as you'll find out later). He starts making advances on you...putting his arm around you, trying to tickle you. You politely move away a couple times. Bad idea, that pisses him off. He gets rougher...pushes you back onto the couch when you try to stand up. Yanks your head back so far you can hardly breathe. He pushes you onto your back...You kick, and yell for your friend. She ignores you, having too much fun. You scratch and try to bite. He back hands you. You're shocked...and terrified. You never thought this could happen, always thought you'd be able to fight it off if it started. But the blows you give, he doesn't seem to feel. Every blow he recieves seems to make him more determined. By now he's got your pants down, and his. You start crying, telling him to stop. He doesn't. And now he's in you. You give up (and still have guilty feelings 2 years afterward) and let him do whatever. He doesn't last long, drunk/high guys never do. He passes out on top of you..you push him off and numbly try to collect yourself. You are numb...you can feel the bastards cum dripping out of you and all you want to do is get home and take a shower. You're in a daze. You walk into the roommates room and grab your friend, who is half dressed, and drag her out. She's screaming at you, calling you a bitch and a c*nt for taking her away from him. "Best f*ck of my life" you hear her say. Nothing is registering. You get about a block away before you call a cab to get home. You tell her nothing..same with your dad...just got take a shower and hope you never hear from that sonofabitch again. Don't ever wanna think about him again.
Too bad honey, you're pregnant. How's that for a reminder? You find out a few weeks afterward. You don't even need to take a test..you just *know*. At first you're okay with this idea, you actually get excited about it. You'd be graduated by the time the baby came, actually you'd be 6 months by graduation. You'd be a single parent, sure, but that's doable. Then the idea of telling your parents sets in. THAT terrifies you. You remember very cleary the lecture your stepdad gave you a few years ago about what would happen if you got pregnant...unwed mothers home, adoption, sent away from everyone you know and love. You remember the labels he'd already put on you. For 2 weeks afterward, you keep getting more worried and worried. You get angry...at yourself for letting him rape you...at him for letting his hormones get ahead of his morals (if he had any to begin with)...at your parents for putting such a fear in you that you can't even be happy about having a baby. It's a girl, you can feel it. You name her Kymberly Lynne. And then you panic. You panic at a friends house...and you let her mom convince you to let her make an appt at a clinic. In a week, during Xmas vacation. Perfect right? You walk around in a zombie like state for that week. Your friend takes you that Friday...you can hardly remember getting there and walking past the protesters. Your friend yells at them, tells them to leave you alone. They don't. But you don't even see them. You sit in the waiting room and stare blankly at the other girls in the room. One is with her husband, she looks like she was forced into this. Another is abotu your age and looks impatient...u find out she's late for work. Isn't her first time. Then the nurse calls your name...has to find out your blood type and take a pregnancy test ("I wouldn't be here if I wasn't pregnant lady"). You sign a bunch of release papers. Then they put you in a little white room and stick an IV in your arm. You stare at the ceiling and suddenly your out. You wake up, startled, when the nurse comes back in..you jump. You want to go back to sleep, but then the doctor comes in. No sleeping now. You're half out of it, so you don't really know what's going on. But you can feel it. Lord, can you feel it. It hurts, a LOT. You start to cry. You hear him say "Got an emotional one, do we?" He's done..and you can't stop crying. You cry for the baby you lost...what have you done, you think over and over again. You cry and cry..and the nurse yells at you. Making it harder for yourself, she says. She wraps you in a blanket and stuffs you in an easy chair in another room. Your friend comes in and strokes your hair. You just sit there. She gets the car and leads you to it. More protesters. Damn them. You're feeling enough guilt as it is. And you're expected to resume a normal life. Right. But something happens in you, you go into denial. Suddenly there was no pregnancy, there was no abortion, there was no baby named Kymberly. You're supposed to lay down for a few days, not move. You don't listen, you keep going as if nothing ever happened. It causes complications..painful ones. And you spend a year not being able to look at young children...can't even go into McDonalds without balling your eyes out. So much guilt. And yet ppl sling phrases like "baby killer" at you. And "selfish bitch". Don't they know you torture yourself everyday about it?
Now picture yourself 2 years later. You're 19 now, been in a nice loving steady relationship for a year and a half. You're even engaged. And you're pregnant again. This time both of you are thrilled. Him more than you thought. He's downright excited. But you...you don't feel like you deserve this pregnancy. You don't DESERVE another chance at this. Kymberly never had a chance, why should this one? It kills you. But day by day, you come to terms.
Would you take that day back, hell yes you would. But it's over..done with..although the guilt will always be there.
If abortion is made illegal. Many more women and unborn babies will die because of back alley abortions...unsafe and unclean. It's our choice...and it's not an easy one. It's not like one day we wake up and say "I'm going to kill my baby today!". It's a horrifying experience that causes a lot of guilt and suffering afterwards. For most of us anyway.
My name is Sarah. I'm 19 years old and 6 months pregnant. That was my story. And thousands of girls my age and even younger have similair stories. We are NOT bad. We are NOT evil. It was not easy for us to go through with it. I'm not looking to change anyone's mind...just to let people know what it's really like.