"Best" for family

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
"Best" for family
473
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:06pm

I'm confused by the concept of "best for the family" and how it differs from "best for baby". It's been thrown about her alot. Mom acknowledges that breastfeeding is best for baby but formula feeds because she's taking account the whole family and thus bottle feeds.

My question is - if there is a breastfeeding solution to what's not working for the family - is bottlefeeding REALLY best for the family? If mom needs a break once in a while, why can't mom take a break once in a while - and continue to breastfeed? Baby is not going to starve over a couple of hours, an occasional pumped bottle is an option, even an occasional bottle of formula is an option. Switching to formula is a fullt time solution - is mom taking a full time break? Or the daddy bonding thing. Is it REALLY BEST for daddy to "share the feeding" for find a daddy-only activity (like playing with raspberries, or baths, or rocking).

I think what is really meant by "best for family" is, it works for the family. But does "what works" mean BEST?

I love analogies and I was thinking about this on the way home at lunch. I'm really busy lately and to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work means I'm about 20 minutes late picking up my kids. And then I usually send them out to play when I make dinner which could be another 45 minutes before we sit down to supper together. I COULD go through the fast food drive through on my way home, and have an extra hour with my kids, which certainly has many benefits. I could do it and it could work. AND, my kids are not obese, are not otherwise at risk for obesity (they play outside and are active in sports, they eat breakfast, ahve a healthy snack and a decent lunch). It could work for my family! But is it best for my family? No - I think it would be BEST for me to buy in bulk and freeze what I can and prepare supper for the crockpot the night before after the kids go to bed. I can have a better meal AND have that same hour. That could work too! Or, I could pick the kids up first, do our grocery shopping together (getting them to choose healthy items they like), and prepare the meal together. Even better - and it still works!

I think very rarely is formula for baby, "best" for the family. It's an additional financial burden, any risks that might come to fruition will be an aggrevation for the family (statistically more missed work days for parents, colic and constipation are not fun, etc), it's an environmental burden. It might be the quick and easy option, it may work - but it's rarely the ONLY option and while there is another relatively easy option that ALSO meets what's best for baby - THAT is what's best for family.

Note in my analogy above, the "best for family" option does require some change, sacrifice and patience over and above what is easy and works. Note that I also acknowledged in another thread that there are "good" reasons to not breastfeed. There are SOME exceptions to this, of course - is it best for family for mom to lose her job? Or for mom's very health to be jepordized?

I don't think there's a general expectation that mothers always make the BEST choices available for every decision (nobody is perfect), so why don't we acknowledge the difference between works and "best"? In a debate, of course, it IS what the expectation is - when you are debating the choices between two things, isn't that what it's about? But IRL, mom isn't REALLY expected to always do what's always best all the time.

Cathie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2000
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:50am

**Lord knows I'd give a limb right about now to hop in the car and go to a spa where I can be pampered for a couple of days!! Just 2 full days without preparing food or doing laundry or homework or hearing "mommy mommy mommy"...

Hey, I'll meet you over a scotch!!!**

Can I come too? I seem to be getting better, physically, so it looks like I won't be ending up in the hospital. I was almost looking forward to the break...

Karin

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 1:23pm

>>Lord knows I'd give a limb right about now to hop in the car and go to a spa where I can be pampered for a couple of days!! Just 2 full days without preparing food or doing laundry or homework or hearing "mommy mommy mommy"...

Hey, I'll meet you over a scotch!!!<<

Me three! Is it OK if I have tequila instead?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:12pm
Ah!
siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:13pm
Gotcha!
siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:49pm

Oh my Lord - I just got rid of 40 people from my house for my kids' birthday party. My God I thought they'd never leave... Now I REALLY need that scotch!! I'll meet all of you in 10....

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:46am

"I know many children whose parents divorced and they're fine."

And I know many children who were formula fed, and they're fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:48am

"Yes, and they are judged accordingly by society."

Just like unwed mothers in the 50's and 60's.

"And judgement like this is actually a positive thing, IMO."

Really? Tell that to the unwed mothers who had their children removed by force and put up for adoption.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:55am

"The fact is, formula feeding/breastfeeding is independant of almost all other parenting decisions I make, so I really see no reason to prioritize."

You are talking about YOUR choice here. Not others' choices. I am talking about my feelings towards what other people do. While I know that BF is the best choice with all things being equal, reality is that all things are NOT equal, and formula is perfectly acceptable for families where BF is not a reasonable option.

When it come to other people's parenting, I am concerned about child abuse. I am concerned about neglect. I am concerned about severe malnutrition, withholding medical care, emotional abuse, and things of that nature. I am not concerned about formula feeding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:02am

"We don't have any *social* expectations for parents to reduce the risk/take the least riskiest actions in support of the best interest for their kids?"

No. We don't. Reducing risk, maybe. Taking the least risky option? Not hardly. I've already given several examples.

"So, your position (now) is that *because* parents can and do make risky decisions, and because the risks of infant formula are of low importance to you, that society should not set standards and judge what is in the best interests of children, and what things pose risk that should be mitigated?"

I feel that parents who choose formula feeding over breastfeeding should not be judged negatively over it. Yes.

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"Do you have any evidence that would qualify & support your assertion?"

What kind of evidence do you want?! How many children die or are injured as a result of being fed formula? How many children die or are injured in automobile accidents?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:05am
Prove that formula is MORE risky than being a child of divorce. The risks of divorce to children are well known.

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