"Best" for family

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
"Best" for family
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Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:06pm

I'm confused by the concept of "best for the family" and how it differs from "best for baby". It's been thrown about her alot. Mom acknowledges that breastfeeding is best for baby but formula feeds because she's taking account the whole family and thus bottle feeds.

My question is - if there is a breastfeeding solution to what's not working for the family - is bottlefeeding REALLY best for the family? If mom needs a break once in a while, why can't mom take a break once in a while - and continue to breastfeed? Baby is not going to starve over a couple of hours, an occasional pumped bottle is an option, even an occasional bottle of formula is an option. Switching to formula is a fullt time solution - is mom taking a full time break? Or the daddy bonding thing. Is it REALLY BEST for daddy to "share the feeding" for find a daddy-only activity (like playing with raspberries, or baths, or rocking).

I think what is really meant by "best for family" is, it works for the family. But does "what works" mean BEST?

I love analogies and I was thinking about this on the way home at lunch. I'm really busy lately and to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work means I'm about 20 minutes late picking up my kids. And then I usually send them out to play when I make dinner which could be another 45 minutes before we sit down to supper together. I COULD go through the fast food drive through on my way home, and have an extra hour with my kids, which certainly has many benefits. I could do it and it could work. AND, my kids are not obese, are not otherwise at risk for obesity (they play outside and are active in sports, they eat breakfast, ahve a healthy snack and a decent lunch). It could work for my family! But is it best for my family? No - I think it would be BEST for me to buy in bulk and freeze what I can and prepare supper for the crockpot the night before after the kids go to bed. I can have a better meal AND have that same hour. That could work too! Or, I could pick the kids up first, do our grocery shopping together (getting them to choose healthy items they like), and prepare the meal together. Even better - and it still works!

I think very rarely is formula for baby, "best" for the family. It's an additional financial burden, any risks that might come to fruition will be an aggrevation for the family (statistically more missed work days for parents, colic and constipation are not fun, etc), it's an environmental burden. It might be the quick and easy option, it may work - but it's rarely the ONLY option and while there is another relatively easy option that ALSO meets what's best for baby - THAT is what's best for family.

Note in my analogy above, the "best for family" option does require some change, sacrifice and patience over and above what is easy and works. Note that I also acknowledged in another thread that there are "good" reasons to not breastfeed. There are SOME exceptions to this, of course - is it best for family for mom to lose her job? Or for mom's very health to be jepordized?

I don't think there's a general expectation that mothers always make the BEST choices available for every decision (nobody is perfect), so why don't we acknowledge the difference between works and "best"? In a debate, of course, it IS what the expectation is - when you are debating the choices between two things, isn't that what it's about? But IRL, mom isn't REALLY expected to always do what's always best all the time.

Cathie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:12am

""And judgement like this is actually a positive thing, IMO."

Really? Tell that to the unwed mothers who had their children removed by force and put up for adoption. "

But that's not exactly "judgement like that". That's something else entirely. The "judgement" that I'm refering to that is POSITIVE would be the kind that acts as a conscious to a young mom. The kind that reminds her that being an unwed mother is maybe not a situation she wants to be in and stops the behaviour that would perhaps CAUSE her to be an unwed mother. It's the internal judgement of others that directs your own behaviour that I'm talking about. Not court-ruling sort of judgements. And the distinction should be obvious. We use the word judgement here to mean an internal opinion - I have never seen it meant as a court-related thing. Otherwise the "How dare you judge me" would take on a WHOLE new meaning. Sorry, I have never tried to have anyone jailed for using formula and I can't imagine ANYONE thinking I have.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:13am

"The need to be SAFE. You said it yourself. Formula has in fact, turned out to UNSAFE for some infants..."

And? BF has turned out to be unsafe for some infants too. Neither is the case for the vast majority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:15am

"Now there's the PERFECT reason for ending the breastfeeding relationship!"

Yeah, nevermind the entire rest of my post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:26am

"ANYthing is possible if you want it badly enough."

No amount of wanting was going to reattach my milk ducts that had been severed and scarred over in surgery. But maybe the point is that not every mother wants it badly enough, and that's not a horrible thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:26am

"When it come to other people's parenting, I am concerned about child abuse. I am concerned about neglect. I am concerned about severe malnutrition, withholding medical care, emotional abuse, and things of that nature. I am not concerned about formula feeding."

When it comes to other's peoples parenting, I would say I am the same. I do not become involved when other people choose formula.

But when it comes to causes, social awareness, changing society's values and beliefs, then it concerns me. Which is why I am here.

I think the fact that people think of formula as the NORMAL way to feed a baby is WORTH changing in our society.

I think the fact that people think that all babies need formula at some point is WORTH changing in our society.

I think the fact that women believe that they cannot continue to breastfeed because they work is WORTH changing in our society.

I think the fact that people believe that formula is the standard for infant nutrition and breastmilk "extra", unnecessary, is WORTH changing in our society.

I think the fact that people believe that breastfeeding is disgusting, sexual or inappropriate is WORTH changing in our society.

I think the fact that people think that formula has no risks and breastfeeding only benefits is WORTH changing in our society.

I really don't concern myself with what indiuviduals actually do, other than to help me understand where society's head is in this.

"I am not concerned about formula feeding."

Just out of curiousity, what drew you to this board? The subject must interest you in some way.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:32am
What feels like a subltle "positive" pressure to you seems an awful lot like undue scrutiny and condemnation to me. You guys get pissed when others judge your choice to BF a toddler (and very rightly so) but some of you find it perfectly acceptable to do the same to a mother who chooses formula, even out of desperation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:36am

"You guys get pissed when others judge your choice to BF a toddler "

Who get's pissed? Nobody I know here. Sure, we respond, to correct some of the myths that are out there and well, to debate (I like debate), but I am that confident in my decision, that I don't even get riled up.

"but some of you find it perfectly acceptable to do the same to a mother who chooses formula, even out of desperation."

Are you sure about that? I disagree. You'll have to show me where you've seen that.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:38am

I have no problem with promoting BF. I do have a problem when other people are having their choice to use formula attacked.

"Just out of curiousity, what drew you to this board?"

I was bored with the other debate boards. Seriously though, I do have some experience with this. I tried, not very successfully, to BF my daughter after having had a breast reduction surgery, and working two jobs while living in dire poverty. I really beat myself up over what I percieved as my failure, and I don't think I should have. I do not like to see other women in difficult situations get judged negatively for simply not having the energy, strength, or desire to BF against the odds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:43am

"No amount of wanting was going to reattach my milk ducts that had been severed and scarred over in surgery. But maybe the point is that not every mother wants it badly enough, and that's not a horrible thing."

I'm not sure that my comment was addressed to you, and I'm not sure that it was in the context you are referring to. However, I will reply anyway. I think it IS a horrible thing that not every mother wants to nurse badly enough. I think we need to change what we see as an "acceptable feeding method" (formula), and make it a "last resort" for women who, like you (I'm assuming you weren't able to nurse because of severed milk ducts) are medically UNable to nurse their babies. This is a few and far between situation, however, because the vast majority of women who are able to carry and deliver a child are also able to nurse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:44am
That has been my perception here. I fully support any mother's right to BF anywhere she likes, for as long as she likes, but I do not feel that that support is returned to mothers who make the choice not to BF.

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