"Best" for family

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
"Best" for family
473
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:06pm

I'm confused by the concept of "best for the family" and how it differs from "best for baby". It's been thrown about her alot. Mom acknowledges that breastfeeding is best for baby but formula feeds because she's taking account the whole family and thus bottle feeds.

My question is - if there is a breastfeeding solution to what's not working for the family - is bottlefeeding REALLY best for the family? If mom needs a break once in a while, why can't mom take a break once in a while - and continue to breastfeed? Baby is not going to starve over a couple of hours, an occasional pumped bottle is an option, even an occasional bottle of formula is an option. Switching to formula is a fullt time solution - is mom taking a full time break? Or the daddy bonding thing. Is it REALLY BEST for daddy to "share the feeding" for find a daddy-only activity (like playing with raspberries, or baths, or rocking).

I think what is really meant by "best for family" is, it works for the family. But does "what works" mean BEST?

I love analogies and I was thinking about this on the way home at lunch. I'm really busy lately and to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work means I'm about 20 minutes late picking up my kids. And then I usually send them out to play when I make dinner which could be another 45 minutes before we sit down to supper together. I COULD go through the fast food drive through on my way home, and have an extra hour with my kids, which certainly has many benefits. I could do it and it could work. AND, my kids are not obese, are not otherwise at risk for obesity (they play outside and are active in sports, they eat breakfast, ahve a healthy snack and a decent lunch). It could work for my family! But is it best for my family? No - I think it would be BEST for me to buy in bulk and freeze what I can and prepare supper for the crockpot the night before after the kids go to bed. I can have a better meal AND have that same hour. That could work too! Or, I could pick the kids up first, do our grocery shopping together (getting them to choose healthy items they like), and prepare the meal together. Even better - and it still works!

I think very rarely is formula for baby, "best" for the family. It's an additional financial burden, any risks that might come to fruition will be an aggrevation for the family (statistically more missed work days for parents, colic and constipation are not fun, etc), it's an environmental burden. It might be the quick and easy option, it may work - but it's rarely the ONLY option and while there is another relatively easy option that ALSO meets what's best for baby - THAT is what's best for family.

Note in my analogy above, the "best for family" option does require some change, sacrifice and patience over and above what is easy and works. Note that I also acknowledged in another thread that there are "good" reasons to not breastfeed. There are SOME exceptions to this, of course - is it best for family for mom to lose her job? Or for mom's very health to be jepordized?

I don't think there's a general expectation that mothers always make the BEST choices available for every decision (nobody is perfect), so why don't we acknowledge the difference between works and "best"? In a debate, of course, it IS what the expectation is - when you are debating the choices between two things, isn't that what it's about? But IRL, mom isn't REALLY expected to always do what's always best all the time.

Cathie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:44am

"I have no problem with promoting BF. I do have a problem when other people are having their choice to use formula attacked. "

Who is having their choice to use formula attacked? This is NOT a promote breastfeeding board. It is a debate board. The purpose of this board is to talk about the pros and cons of formula feeding AND breastfeeding and even what leads people into choosing one or the other. For every suugestion made to a poster on how they might have avoided formula, because some people TRUELY wanted to make breastfeeding work, a counter response is most definately welcome.

what do you call an attack? Sarcasm intended to wound has been established as an attack and those posts are reported and removed and we've been reminded when the few instances have cropped up. Debating how a situation might have gone different is not an attack.

Anything you deem to be an "attack" you are free and welcome to report to iVillage. There's a report a violation link in every post.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:47am

"I do not like to see other women in difficult situations get judged negatively for simply not having the energy, strength, or desire to BF against the odds."

Maybe, to avoid confusion, you could also tell us what you mean by "judged negatively". In a previous post to me, you alluded to judgements against unwed mothers that led to their children being removed from their care. Surely that's not what you mean.

Maybe you have an example of where someone was "judged negatively" here for "simply not having the energy, strength, or desire to BF against the odds." that would be inconsistant with the purpose and intent of this board.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:48am
I think there are MANY reasons why nursing may not be the best choice, and medical reasons are only a small part of it. I got to experience lots of them. The bottom line is that I personally know how difficult it can be, and do not judge a family whether they use formula or BF till the child is 5.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:50am

"I really beat myself up over what I percieved as my failure, and I don't think I should have."

Who told you to beat yourself up? Have you gotten over your "failure" to breastfeed?

"I do not like to see other women in difficult situations get judged negatively for simply not having the energy, strength, or desire to BF against the odds."

I think the only one who seems to be judging you is you. Many women who choose to formula feed aren't doing so "against the odds". They're simply doing so because they don't know any other way, and they need to know that nursing is the natural thing to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:51am

"but I do not feel that that support is returned to mothers who make the choice not to BF"

Why should I be obligated to support the choice to not breastfeed?

I don't think you should be obligated to "support any mother's right to BF anywhere she likes, for as long as she likes" unless you truely believe it. I DO think that you, as a member of society should be obligated to TOLERATE it. I don't expect you to support it, although I think it's great that you do.

BTW, I fully and completely support a mother's RIGHT to formula feed, and I support her NEED to formula feed.

I do not support a choice that is abusing the intention of a product.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:52am
All I'm saying is that the tone of many posts here seem condemnational of the choice to FF. I suppose that would have to be or there would be no need for a debate board. I wish there WERE no need for a debate board about this. I wish people could live and let live and respect other people's choices (so long as nobody is being harmed of course).
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:02am

"I think there are MANY reasons why nursing may not be the best choice, and medical reasons are only a small part of it. I got to experience lots of them. The bottom line is that I personally know how difficult it can be, and do not judge a family whether they use formula or BF till the child is 5."

I would just like to know some of the MANY reasons why nursing would not be the best choice. And, again, we are not here to judge, only to debate.

What I think new moms need to understand is as follows:

If breastfeeding WERE the norm, then the FEW reasons that may make nursing difficult (plugged ducts, improper latch, mastitis) would just be fixable issues. For example, if a formula fed baby is screaming day and night, the doctor will tell a parent to try a different formula until the baby stops crying. Or a different bottle. When I had bleeding nipples while nursing my second child I went to a lactation consultant and fixed the problem. When I had supply problems with my first child because I worked full time and pumped, I researched what to do to fix the problem, and I did. Yes, problems CAN be upsetting and time consuming, but that's life when there is a new baby. And not everyone experiences problems with either method.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:02am

"In a previous post to me, you alluded to judgements against unwed mothers that led to their children being removed from their care. Surely that's not what you mean."

That's my point exactly. That is what THAT judgement led to. Young unwed mothers had their children taken from them because it was "for the good of the child." And those mothers who had the balls to stand up to it and refuse were stigmatized and treated very poorly. This is the danger of making society-wide judgements against other people. I do not want to see BF promoted to the expense of those who don't or can't.

Here's a little anecdote from my days as a severely depressed mother to an infant. Her father mentioned to his father and step mother (my FIL and MIL) on the phone that I was nursing DD and they just gushed about how that was such a wonderful thing. When we went to visit them months later they seriously treated me like crap for using formula. They didn't KNOW about my surgery and it was none of their damn business. Their treatment of me just made me feel even worse about something that I had no control over.

Sure, maybe if I had tried hard enough I could have re-established a supply, but I was spent. I no longer had the will, the desire, or the strength to continue. Timing is pretty crucial in establishing a successful BF relationship and I simply had none.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:07am
I read the debate boards before I gave birth too. People saying that FF was tanatamount to child abuse. That formula should only be available by prescription. That if I really wanted to do it badly enough then I could. How could I have NOT have felt like I was failing my child by feeding her an inferior product that would make her more prone to ear infections, lower her IQ, negatively impact her brain development, etc.?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2000
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:08am

What we come back to in this discussion, time and time again when the "can't we all just respect other people's choices " card gets played is that many mothers are not making educated choices. They have bought into myths, misinformation and misunderstanding, not always through their own intentional doing. So "I couldn't bf because ___________" WILL be challenged as many of us on the bf side try to undo the damage done to breastfeeding education by doctors, the formula industry and even our own, even well meaning, relatives.

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