"Best" for family

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
"Best" for family
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Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:06pm

I'm confused by the concept of "best for the family" and how it differs from "best for baby". It's been thrown about her alot. Mom acknowledges that breastfeeding is best for baby but formula feeds because she's taking account the whole family and thus bottle feeds.

My question is - if there is a breastfeeding solution to what's not working for the family - is bottlefeeding REALLY best for the family? If mom needs a break once in a while, why can't mom take a break once in a while - and continue to breastfeed? Baby is not going to starve over a couple of hours, an occasional pumped bottle is an option, even an occasional bottle of formula is an option. Switching to formula is a fullt time solution - is mom taking a full time break? Or the daddy bonding thing. Is it REALLY BEST for daddy to "share the feeding" for find a daddy-only activity (like playing with raspberries, or baths, or rocking).

I think what is really meant by "best for family" is, it works for the family. But does "what works" mean BEST?

I love analogies and I was thinking about this on the way home at lunch. I'm really busy lately and to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work means I'm about 20 minutes late picking up my kids. And then I usually send them out to play when I make dinner which could be another 45 minutes before we sit down to supper together. I COULD go through the fast food drive through on my way home, and have an extra hour with my kids, which certainly has many benefits. I could do it and it could work. AND, my kids are not obese, are not otherwise at risk for obesity (they play outside and are active in sports, they eat breakfast, ahve a healthy snack and a decent lunch). It could work for my family! But is it best for my family? No - I think it would be BEST for me to buy in bulk and freeze what I can and prepare supper for the crockpot the night before after the kids go to bed. I can have a better meal AND have that same hour. That could work too! Or, I could pick the kids up first, do our grocery shopping together (getting them to choose healthy items they like), and prepare the meal together. Even better - and it still works!

I think very rarely is formula for baby, "best" for the family. It's an additional financial burden, any risks that might come to fruition will be an aggrevation for the family (statistically more missed work days for parents, colic and constipation are not fun, etc), it's an environmental burden. It might be the quick and easy option, it may work - but it's rarely the ONLY option and while there is another relatively easy option that ALSO meets what's best for baby - THAT is what's best for family.

Note in my analogy above, the "best for family" option does require some change, sacrifice and patience over and above what is easy and works. Note that I also acknowledged in another thread that there are "good" reasons to not breastfeed. There are SOME exceptions to this, of course - is it best for family for mom to lose her job? Or for mom's very health to be jepordized?

I don't think there's a general expectation that mothers always make the BEST choices available for every decision (nobody is perfect), so why don't we acknowledge the difference between works and "best"? In a debate, of course, it IS what the expectation is - when you are debating the choices between two things, isn't that what it's about? But IRL, mom isn't REALLY expected to always do what's always best all the time.

Cathie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:10am

"I wish there WERE no need for a debate board about this. "

Hear Hear!

"I wish people could live and let live and respect other people's choices (so long as nobody is being harmed of course)."

I wish people could base their decision on their own need rather than thinking that if formula is OK when a mother actually cannot breastfeed that it's OK all of the time.

What other product would we do this with in our children? We don't say, the child across the street sat in her mother's lap on the way to the hospital rather than going in a car seat (child broke his arm), so it must be OK to NEVER use a car seat? that's the LOGIC that's being used in the decision to use formula alot of the time. If it's OK to use for an adopted baby, then it must be Ok to use always???

Babies have antibtioics for ear infections all the time, and when your baby is sick and has to have antibtioics, we are grateful for them, we don't feel guilty for the using them (although we may feel sad our child is sick). And we CERTAINLY don't give antibtioics indiscrimantly because it's OK for SOME kids. We give them when necessary and we don't when it's not.

If parents formula fed when it's necessary and didn't when it's not, then there would be no debate, no guilt, no judgement. But, it's become a situation where formula has become "necessary" for just about everything. And, I'm not passing judgement on you or any other individual - there ARE real, legitimate necessary situations - but there are not so real, necessary situations too.

Returning to work has become one of those "necessary" reasons and yes, there are times when returning to work has led to a necessray reason to bottlefeed. But rather than waiting until the necessary situation arises, many parents go right to the formula (this had been my plan with my first BTW). It's kind of like recognizing that children in daycare require antibtioics more often because of the bugs they pick up there and deciding to give them antibtioics BECAUSE they are going to daycare.

"(so long as nobody is being harmed of course).""

what about the babies recieveing formula when they don't have to be? Antibtioics does good, but taken inappropriately, it can harm as well. If you take them when you don't have the "doing good", you are left with harm for no reason. Formula is being used like that. When it's necessary, when breastmilk isn't available, then formula is the best you can do. There will be differences when compared to baby getting breastmilk and those differences can be called "harm", but what's the point. It's the best in the situation. But when someone choosed formula because of "lack of desire" for example, the differences are meaningful, and certainly can be considered harm. For no overall benefit.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:12am

"I read the debate boards before I gave birth too. People saying that FF was tanatamount to child abuse. That formula should only be available by prescription. That if I really wanted to do it badly enough then I could. How could I have NOT have felt like I was failing my child by feeding her an inferior product that would make her more prone to ear infections, lower her IQ, negatively impact her brain development, etc.?"

But this is a current debate board. I read those boards years ago as well. It was part of the reason I became so determined TO nurse my children.

And there are probably still many people who feel that FF is similar to child abuse, while I would not agree with that line of thinking. But we create "failure" in our own lives, no one else. What one person considers a failure another might just consider a life lesson. Or an experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:12am
Well, let's see. How about working two jobs just to survive and not being able to pump? Even if seeing an LC or getting a better pump would have changed things, when the hell was I supposed to do that? When I wasn't working I had time to eat and sleep, and not really enough sleep either. I went back to work three days after delivery. I had zero opportunity to get the bugs ironed out before I did what I had to do to survive. I still BF for the few precious hours I was home, but unsuprisingly my supply did not last that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:17am
I guess I don't really see what good it does after the fact to tell someone "you could have done X,Y, and Z and you should have WANTED to as well." I mean I understand that there is a need for education. Some of the posts I have seen sort of go beyond that though. The implication is that you're not a good enough mother if you don't completely sacrifice yourself to make it work. I think that's very unfair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:23am

"If breastfeeding WERE the norm, then the FEW reasons that may make nursing difficult (plugged ducts, improper latch, mastitis) would just be fixable issues."

Exactly! And since most moms intend to breastfeed, but switch to formula when things go wrong, it's important to analyze and scrutinize what makes her to decide that formula is suddenly "best" when she fully acknowledges breast is best and she intended to do it.

Alot of the times we see, "it was best for my family" to switch, it's around being fearful that unhappiness or difficulty would lead to PPD, or around difficulty adjusting to motherhood moreso than breastfeeding, lack of support from family, lack of knowledge of how to fix a breastfeeding problem with a breastfeeding solution, lack of desire to breastfeed (as though we're supposed to have a specific desire for more than doing what's best and to feed our baby) or many other myths that abound. Sure, they may seem like very real reasons to a particular mother, but they are all things that as a society, we need to FIX! They might be real and valid reasons, but they shouldn't be thought of that way.

Women shouldn't be in the position of making what she thinks are good solid decisions that are based on myth, fear, misinformation or coersion.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:25am

"..rather than thinking that if formula is OK when a mother actually cannot breastfeed that it's OK all of the time."

To be honest, I don't really see why not. There is no physical difference between a child who's mother is physically unable to BF and a child who's mother chooses not to for other reasons. The outcome is the same. To me it's kind of like someone saying that an abortion for one reason is ok, but for a different reason it's not. Or that a divorce for one reason is ok, but for another reason it's not. To me they are both just far too personal of a decision for anyone to be in a position to judge from the outside.

"If parents formula fed when it's necessary and didn't when it's not, then there would be no debate, no guilt, no judgement."

I doubt if people would always agree when and if it actually is necessary. What constitutes necessity to me may not to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:29am

"But this is a current debate board. I read those boards years ago as well. It was part of the reason I became so determined TO nurse my children."

And those same messages were quite harmful to me. New mothers are pretty vulnerable emotionally. Well I was anyway. Had you been unsuccessful at BF perhaps you'd have felt differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:31am

"This is the danger of making society-wide judgements against other people. "

Uh, what?

What danger EXACTLY are you afraid of? That formula will be banned? Formula feeders jailed? CPS comes if you don't breastfeed?

Anyways that progression can be good too. For years, I "judged" people who smoked in public. As an asthmatic, I'd have to wait outside in the blizard for the bus because the smokers were using the bus shelter. I'd have to wait to enter the mall because people were smoking in the doorway. Today, because of society's "judgements", we have cleaner air for all - in my province there's a total smoking ban indoors in public places and within X feet of entrances. I cannot remember the last time I encountered cigarette smoke. The SAME judgements led to the current legislation on drinking and driving.

Society's judgement has to be tempered with common sense.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:32am

"Well, let's see. How about working two jobs just to survive and not being able to pump? Even if seeing an LC or getting a better pump would have changed things, when the hell was I supposed to do that? When I wasn't working I had time to eat and sleep, and not really enough sleep either. I went back to work three days after delivery. I had zero opportunity to get the bugs ironed out before I did what I had to do to survive. I still BF for the few precious hours I was home, but unsuprisingly my supply did not last that way."

You know I have no idea "when the hell" you were supposed to see an lc or sleep or eat, etc because I have no idea what your life is like, nor do you have any idea what mine is like. I am here to debate breastfeeding vs. formula feeding.

I know I worked outside the home 55 hours per week (including travel time) and I pumped. And it worked for me. If you would like to be told that it's OK that you weren't able to nurse, here goes: It's OK that you weren't able to nurse. I'm not sure what else you are trying to convey here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:34am
I think a lot of the reason we see "it's best for the family" here on this board is because people who have had a very difficult time with making BF work are far more likely to come here than those who just don't give a crap at all. Debate boards tends to attract people on opposite ends of the spectrum. People who don't care too much one way or the other may come, but don't tend to stick around long. At least that's been my perception reading this and other debate boards.

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