"Best" for family

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
"Best" for family
473
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:06pm

I'm confused by the concept of "best for the family" and how it differs from "best for baby". It's been thrown about her alot. Mom acknowledges that breastfeeding is best for baby but formula feeds because she's taking account the whole family and thus bottle feeds.

My question is - if there is a breastfeeding solution to what's not working for the family - is bottlefeeding REALLY best for the family? If mom needs a break once in a while, why can't mom take a break once in a while - and continue to breastfeed? Baby is not going to starve over a couple of hours, an occasional pumped bottle is an option, even an occasional bottle of formula is an option. Switching to formula is a fullt time solution - is mom taking a full time break? Or the daddy bonding thing. Is it REALLY BEST for daddy to "share the feeding" for find a daddy-only activity (like playing with raspberries, or baths, or rocking).

I think what is really meant by "best for family" is, it works for the family. But does "what works" mean BEST?

I love analogies and I was thinking about this on the way home at lunch. I'm really busy lately and to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work means I'm about 20 minutes late picking up my kids. And then I usually send them out to play when I make dinner which could be another 45 minutes before we sit down to supper together. I COULD go through the fast food drive through on my way home, and have an extra hour with my kids, which certainly has many benefits. I could do it and it could work. AND, my kids are not obese, are not otherwise at risk for obesity (they play outside and are active in sports, they eat breakfast, ahve a healthy snack and a decent lunch). It could work for my family! But is it best for my family? No - I think it would be BEST for me to buy in bulk and freeze what I can and prepare supper for the crockpot the night before after the kids go to bed. I can have a better meal AND have that same hour. That could work too! Or, I could pick the kids up first, do our grocery shopping together (getting them to choose healthy items they like), and prepare the meal together. Even better - and it still works!

I think very rarely is formula for baby, "best" for the family. It's an additional financial burden, any risks that might come to fruition will be an aggrevation for the family (statistically more missed work days for parents, colic and constipation are not fun, etc), it's an environmental burden. It might be the quick and easy option, it may work - but it's rarely the ONLY option and while there is another relatively easy option that ALSO meets what's best for baby - THAT is what's best for family.

Note in my analogy above, the "best for family" option does require some change, sacrifice and patience over and above what is easy and works. Note that I also acknowledged in another thread that there are "good" reasons to not breastfeed. There are SOME exceptions to this, of course - is it best for family for mom to lose her job? Or for mom's very health to be jepordized?

I don't think there's a general expectation that mothers always make the BEST choices available for every decision (nobody is perfect), so why don't we acknowledge the difference between works and "best"? In a debate, of course, it IS what the expectation is - when you are debating the choices between two things, isn't that what it's about? But IRL, mom isn't REALLY expected to always do what's always best all the time.

Cathie

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:00pm

"Our society is so formula-centered that myths and untruths in regards to breastfeeding are rampant...to the detriment of moms and babies everywhere."

If you say so. That certainly wasn't the message that I got when I was pg, and not just on the debate boards either.

"I am grateful that someone pointed out to me that formula feeding has risks."

But for someone who really has no choice, or does the best they can and it doesn't work, such messages are not exactly harmless.

Avatar for hokie1999
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:01pm

I read the debate boards before I gave birth too. People saying that FF was tanatamount to child abuse. That formula should only be available by prescription. That if I really wanted to do it badly enough then I could. How could I have NOT have felt like I was failing my child by feeding her an inferior product that would make her more prone to ear infections, lower her IQ, negatively impact her brain development, etc.?<<<<<<<

Sometimes you have to ignore things. I have read so many things on my playgroup board that have really offended me or made me feel that I made the wrong choices in parenting. But I always try to keep at the back of my mind that I have my own issues that people don't know about, and I have feelings about certain issues and I am sure I have written things that have hurt other peoples feelings as well.

I felt just like you in my son's first year. I gave up on day 4 b/c he seemed too sleepy to Bf and we later found out about a heart defect that needed surgery within a week. So he was really too tired to nurse. But I beat myself up over that for his entire first year. Every time I saw the "breast is best" it stung, or seeing my good friend BF hurt and hearing comment about antibodies to her husband was even more painful. But I eventually realized that those things are my own issues. Formula isn't as good but I made the decision I could with the info I had at the time. If things had happened differenty, like an earlier diagnosis or the home visit nurse coming sooner or any number of things, I may have succeeded. But it didn't. You are not awful b/c you couldn't BF. And I honestly don't think anyone here would say or even think that. But I know there is that judgement sometimes and we just have to know that we did the best we could.

Becca

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:03pm

"I could have said the exact same thing and I'd have been wrong."

Did you say the same exact thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:05pm

"It's about discussing what are appropriate reasons, and sharing that with enough preparation and support, women can often work through it the rough patches."

I have no argument with the second part, but I don't think it's anyone else's call as to what constitutes an appropriate reason, unless that reason is based on a total falsehood.

"You will notice that even the women that rabidly support women's right to choose are passionately committed to reducing the rate at which that choice must be made."

Absolutely, but you won't hear us saying that this reason or that reason is not good enough, and had you REALLY WANTED to have that baby you could have. But that's the tone of the message I see coming from many people here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:12pm

"I think a lot of the reason we see "it's best for the family" here on this board is because people who have had a very difficult time with making BF work are far more likely to come here than those who just don't give a crap at all. Debate boards tends to attract people on opposite ends of the spectrum. People who don't care too much one way or the other may come, but don't tend to stick around long. At least that's been my perception reading this and other debate boards."

I agree with what you say about who comes here, but not about the use of the phrase. We have seen it here, but it's also pretty widespread. I've heard it at baby showers, in casual conversations, on playgroups.... and used on the debate boards.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:13pm

"Did you say the same exact thing? "

I get the impression that she meant that no amount of positive thinking or 'desire' could have averted the problems caused by severed ducts..... She could have said "I AM going to nurse" till she was blue in the face... wouldn't have changed the physical problem she encountered. Point is - if *you* had had the same/a similar problem all your positive affirmations would have been worthless.....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:14pm

"Except the physical differences in the child who's mother is physically unable to BF are the best they can possible get and the physical differences in the child who's mother chooses not to for other reasons is less than the best they can get."

I believe that there are MANY reasons why BF may not work and physical impossibility is just one of them. I don't think that a woman who has had a breast reduction (many of whom actually ARE able to nurse successfully, as it depends very much on the procedure used, and how the healing goes) should get a free pass while someone with very compelling non-physical reasons should feel obligated to continue regardless of the consequences to her family.

"There's no physical difference between a child who has his arm amputated for gangrene and a child who who has his arm amputated for the fun of it."

That's not really a good example because there WAS a physical difference at some point, thus the need for the ampuation. A child who is FF out of necessity vs. a child who is FF by choice (which could also be argued as necessity in many circumstances) there was never any difference before or after.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:20pm
Of course I totally get that now, but that is why I think it can be harmful to take the pro-BF position too far. It's one thing to encourage mothers to make the best choice. It's entirely another to condemn someone for making a different choice. Some people, both past and present, have edged toward the latter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:23pm

"Did you say the same exact thing?"

Does it matter? If I had I'd have been wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:24pm

"Ok, maybe I can explain this better. I think if someone has the education about BF, and is not making the choice out of ignorance or fear or other reasons like that, but still decides that BF is not working for them, then they do not deserve to be judged for it. Address the misinformation. Clear up the myths. Assuage the fears. But accept that everyone is going to have their own unique experiences and what works for one may not work for another."

You are saying different things here. This started with "You don't want to see "BF promoted to the expense of those who don't or can't." I agree, that those who make a truely educated decision about not breastfeeding, based only on their prefernce should have the right to do so, without being publicly or legally admonished. However, IF they want to exercise the right to make their choice, they should have to be responsible for that choice and continuing to be exposed to breastfeeding promotion should certainly be part of that. Your post was about not supporting ***bf'ing promotion**** at the expense of the mothers who willingly choose, right? Are you saying that we should stop bf'ing promotion because those who make an educated decision to formula feed might not want to hear it?

OK, so reading below, I see that's not what you are saying at all. It's just "be careful".

Cathie

Pages