"Best" for family
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| Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:06pm |
I'm confused by the concept of "best for the family" and how it differs from "best for baby". It's been thrown about her alot. Mom acknowledges that breastfeeding is best for baby but formula feeds because she's taking account the whole family and thus bottle feeds.
My question is - if there is a breastfeeding solution to what's not working for the family - is bottlefeeding REALLY best for the family? If mom needs a break once in a while, why can't mom take a break once in a while - and continue to breastfeed? Baby is not going to starve over a couple of hours, an occasional pumped bottle is an option, even an occasional bottle of formula is an option. Switching to formula is a fullt time solution - is mom taking a full time break? Or the daddy bonding thing. Is it REALLY BEST for daddy to "share the feeding" for find a daddy-only activity (like playing with raspberries, or baths, or rocking).
I think what is really meant by "best for family" is, it works for the family. But does "what works" mean BEST?
I love analogies and I was thinking about this on the way home at lunch. I'm really busy lately and to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work means I'm about 20 minutes late picking up my kids. And then I usually send them out to play when I make dinner which could be another 45 minutes before we sit down to supper together. I COULD go through the fast food drive through on my way home, and have an extra hour with my kids, which certainly has many benefits. I could do it and it could work. AND, my kids are not obese, are not otherwise at risk for obesity (they play outside and are active in sports, they eat breakfast, ahve a healthy snack and a decent lunch). It could work for my family! But is it best for my family? No - I think it would be BEST for me to buy in bulk and freeze what I can and prepare supper for the crockpot the night before after the kids go to bed. I can have a better meal AND have that same hour. That could work too! Or, I could pick the kids up first, do our grocery shopping together (getting them to choose healthy items they like), and prepare the meal together. Even better - and it still works!
I think very rarely is formula for baby, "best" for the family. It's an additional financial burden, any risks that might come to fruition will be an aggrevation for the family (statistically more missed work days for parents, colic and constipation are not fun, etc), it's an environmental burden. It might be the quick and easy option, it may work - but it's rarely the ONLY option and while there is another relatively easy option that ALSO meets what's best for baby - THAT is what's best for family.
Note in my analogy above, the "best for family" option does require some change, sacrifice and patience over and above what is easy and works. Note that I also acknowledged in another thread that there are "good" reasons to not breastfeed. There are SOME exceptions to this, of course - is it best for family for mom to lose her job? Or for mom's very health to be jepordized?
I don't think there's a general expectation that mothers always make the BEST choices available for every decision (nobody is perfect), so why don't we acknowledge the difference between works and "best"? In a debate, of course, it IS what the expectation is - when you are debating the choices between two things, isn't that what it's about? But IRL, mom isn't REALLY expected to always do what's always best all the time.

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"I agree with what you say about who comes here, but not about the use of the phrase. We have seen it here, but it's also pretty widespread. I've heard it at baby showers, in casual conversations, on playgroups.... and used on the debate boards."
I guess my exposure to conversations about BF or FF in the real world have been extremely limited. I can't say I've ever heard that one, but if I did I'd have to consider the fact that I do not truly have all the information behind why this person thinks so. I'd have to concede that there may be issues at play I'm not privvy too, or that I don't fully grasp.
Yes, exactly I'm not saying we should never promote BF to the general public because someone who can't BF might see/hear it and feel bad. I never felt bad because of promotion of BF that focused on the positives. Yes, maybe it stung a little at first, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'd just hate to see attitudes change to the point where people are stigmatized for being unable to BF (whether those reasons are physilogical or sociological in nature). And I think we need to tread carefully with messages about all the dangers of formula. That's not a nice thing to hear when it's your only choice.
I don't think this attitude is widespread or anything, but I heard some real choice stuff over the years on the FF vs. BF debate boards. A couple of years after I had my dd I recall one woman saying she would never "mutilate" her body in a way that would prevent her from BF. Better to be completely debilitated by pain I guess.
>>I think if someone has the education about BF, and is not making the choice out of ignorance or fear or other reasons like that, but still decides that BF is not working for them, then they do not deserve to be judged for it. Address the misinformation. Clear up the myths. Assuage the fears. But accept that everyone is going to have their own unique experiences and what works for one may not work for another.<<
Very well said.
>>I think that the danger with any issue like this is that some people will take it too far and treat others badly because of it. I'm not saying "don't promote BF" I'm saying that caution must be used.<<
There are always going to be people who take things too far. BUT as the former Breastfeeding Ads debate showed many debaters thought the campaign developed by the Ad Council went too far. A well planned public health service ad is not the same as some person on the street with a chip on their shoulder. You can't do much about the person with the chip, but you can debate the best way to promote breastfeeding. Sometimes it seems the posters blame Lactivists for the rude behavior/ mean spirited digs of people with misguided enthusiasm. I have not seen people on this board, any Lactivist, or any La Leche League leader attacking people's choices and yet they are consistently accused of it. KWIM?
I wish that the importance of breastfeeding was known before you had surgery. It is a terrible situation that breast reduction surgeons used to think the breasts were extraneous, thanks to formula, so preserving ducts wasn't an issue. My limited understanding is that that attitude has changed. Ducts can be preserved. That is one positive step in the Lactivist plight that is saving future moms from being caught in the situation you were.
"Does it matter? If I had I'd have been wrong."
Yes, it does matter. If women went into motherhood KNOWING they were going to nurse, then far more would. It's the indecisiveness that kills most breastfeeding relationships long before they even start.
I'm assuming you knew you had severed milk ducts long before you became pregnant, researched your chances of nursing with that condition, and came to the conclusion that it would be near impossible for you.
"A couple of years after I had my dd I recall one woman saying she would never "mutilate" her body in a way that would prevent her from BF. Better to be completely debilitated by pain I guess."
Now I'm not saying I agree with her course of action, but I CAN see a woman wanting to nurse badly enough to maybe wait to have an operation to alter her breasts in any way. Completely logical to me.
<<<"But I wasn't going to be "unsuccessful at breastfeeding". I WAS going to nurse my babies just like women have done for thousands of years, regardless of what issues arose."
I could have said the exact same thing and I'd have been wrong.>>>
When you had your breast reduction, did the surgeon make you aware of the risks it posed to future BF abilities?
<<<"I am grateful that someone pointed out to me that formula feeding has risks."
But for someone who really has no choice, or does the best they can and it doesn't work, such messages are not exactly harmless.>>>
What would have preferred to hear? What "messages" would have less harmful, in your opinion?
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Even if they have "edged toward" it, have they actually "condemned" anyone? If you have evidence of the "condemnation" of moms for FF their babies, please link to it.
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If what you read on debate boards upsets you so much, why are you visiting them? There *are* people IRL you can discuss this with. They are BF professionals who will give you objective feedback and information without the passion of personal triumph or failure that you will get on internet debate boards.
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This describes me perfectly. I want to have this surgery myself, but I am not going to do it until I am sure there will be nobody else who needs to BF. Maybe it's foolish, since I do have back pain and poor posture now, but I am willing to wait a few more years. But that's my choice, and I don't judge anyone else for the way they handle the problem.
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