"Best" for family

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
"Best" for family
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Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:06pm

I'm confused by the concept of "best for the family" and how it differs from "best for baby". It's been thrown about her alot. Mom acknowledges that breastfeeding is best for baby but formula feeds because she's taking account the whole family and thus bottle feeds.

My question is - if there is a breastfeeding solution to what's not working for the family - is bottlefeeding REALLY best for the family? If mom needs a break once in a while, why can't mom take a break once in a while - and continue to breastfeed? Baby is not going to starve over a couple of hours, an occasional pumped bottle is an option, even an occasional bottle of formula is an option. Switching to formula is a fullt time solution - is mom taking a full time break? Or the daddy bonding thing. Is it REALLY BEST for daddy to "share the feeding" for find a daddy-only activity (like playing with raspberries, or baths, or rocking).

I think what is really meant by "best for family" is, it works for the family. But does "what works" mean BEST?

I love analogies and I was thinking about this on the way home at lunch. I'm really busy lately and to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work means I'm about 20 minutes late picking up my kids. And then I usually send them out to play when I make dinner which could be another 45 minutes before we sit down to supper together. I COULD go through the fast food drive through on my way home, and have an extra hour with my kids, which certainly has many benefits. I could do it and it could work. AND, my kids are not obese, are not otherwise at risk for obesity (they play outside and are active in sports, they eat breakfast, ahve a healthy snack and a decent lunch). It could work for my family! But is it best for my family? No - I think it would be BEST for me to buy in bulk and freeze what I can and prepare supper for the crockpot the night before after the kids go to bed. I can have a better meal AND have that same hour. That could work too! Or, I could pick the kids up first, do our grocery shopping together (getting them to choose healthy items they like), and prepare the meal together. Even better - and it still works!

I think very rarely is formula for baby, "best" for the family. It's an additional financial burden, any risks that might come to fruition will be an aggrevation for the family (statistically more missed work days for parents, colic and constipation are not fun, etc), it's an environmental burden. It might be the quick and easy option, it may work - but it's rarely the ONLY option and while there is another relatively easy option that ALSO meets what's best for baby - THAT is what's best for family.

Note in my analogy above, the "best for family" option does require some change, sacrifice and patience over and above what is easy and works. Note that I also acknowledged in another thread that there are "good" reasons to not breastfeed. There are SOME exceptions to this, of course - is it best for family for mom to lose her job? Or for mom's very health to be jepordized?

I don't think there's a general expectation that mothers always make the BEST choices available for every decision (nobody is perfect), so why don't we acknowledge the difference between works and "best"? In a debate, of course, it IS what the expectation is - when you are debating the choices between two things, isn't that what it's about? But IRL, mom isn't REALLY expected to always do what's always best all the time.

Cathie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:59pm

<<<<"Our society is so formula-centered that myths and untruths in regards to breastfeeding are rampant...to the detriment of moms and babies everywhere."

If you say so. That certainly wasn't the message that I got when I was pg, and not just on the debate boards either.>>>>

Really? You've never been the recipient of bad information IRT breastfeeding?

But for someone who really has no choice, or does the best they can and it doesn't work, such messages are not exactly harmless.>>>>

And that person is not the person that the message is designed for. If a person truly has no choice (eg, needs chemo), then formula becomes the least riskiest option. Obviously, if breastfeeding would harm the child or if mom is physically unable to breastfeed, than formula is the best choice. That doesn't negate the risk involved, but it's certainly a responsible choice. I would go so far as to say it was the reason formula was invented.

The problem is, most women CAN breastfeed -- they just don't understand the process enough to make it work, or they just plain don't want to. The women in the former category are the people who would not be offended by the notion that formula has risks. I would place myself in that category. I *wanted* to BF my DD, but I was ready to throw in the towel. Being told that FF carried risks (not that BF had "benefits") prompted me to do my own research and conclude that BF was something that I would make work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:04pm

<<>>

This is where I would fall too. I *wanted* to BF, and was ready to quit so very many times. I had no idea that FF carried *risks* until I really started to engage in this debate. Before that, I just thought BF was "best" but FF was "fine, good enough". I don't have that same opinion any longer.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:06pm

"This describes me perfectly. I want to have this surgery myself, but I am not going to do it until I am sure there will be nobody else who needs to BF. Maybe it's foolish, since I do have back pain and poor posture now, but I am willing to wait a few more years. But that's my choice, and I don't judge anyone else for the way they handle the problem."

Nope, I wouldn't describe it as foolish; more like selfless. I would feel the same exact way. There is a personal issue I want to resolve with surgery, but I will also wait until I'm sure I'm done having babies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:10pm

<<>>

Well, thanks. I'm glad I'm not alone. I have wanted the surgery for as long as I have had the darn things, LOL. I've been wearing a bra since I was 8, for Pete's sake. I can't stand them, but BF is just more important to me right now.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:23pm

"I have not seen people on this board, any Lactivist, or any La Leche League leader attacking people's choices and yet they are consistently accused of it."

Then you haven't been here long enough.

"I wish that the importance of breastfeeding was known before you had surgery. It is a terrible situation that breast reduction surgeons used to think the breasts were extraneous, thanks to formula, so preserving ducts wasn't an issue. My limited understanding is that that attitude has changed. Ducts can be preserved."

It was and they did. BF *was* discussed with me by my surgeon, and he told me they make every effort to preserve the duct attachments, but that it is not always possible, and that depends on the amount of tissue that has to be removed, the location of the tissue, how you heal, and a wide variety of other factors. They can make absolutely no promises about your future ability or inability to breastfeed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:26pm

"I don't think it's anyone else's call as to what constitutes an appropriate reason, unless that reason is based on a total falsehood. "

Anyone can use any reason they want. What makes it a good reason or not depends on more than what the person themselves think. It's their reason to have, of course, just just because it's the one they makes doesn't make it good, bad or indifferent.

If you are saying that "society" or this debate in general cannot speak to the validity of a person's "reason", I'll submit that the person themselves can not either because the person involved will be highly biased. Their reasons will be the nobelest in their own eyes.

I think we, as a society, have every right to establish a validity zone for "reasons" in general and individual parents have every right to make decisions inside or ourside that zone, but they are accountable and responsible for those that are outside. Right now, any reason for nursing a 2+ child seems to be outside that zone (for example). Despite that, I chose to continue nursing my daughter and I was prepared for whatever backlash or scrutiny that might have come my way. For a cause I believe in, the backlash or scrutiny can be an opportunity to expand the zone, be part of an effort to effect change in the way people think about it - OR, the backlash or scrutiny can be a means for me to realize I was wrong. I'm not ashamed to admit that I made choices that I thought were right, but in examing and defending them, I realized I was not right.

" the tone of the message I see coming from many people here."

Try to to assume much from tone in a debate board on the internet.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:26pm

"Yes, it does matter. If women went into motherhood KNOWING they were going to nurse, then far more would."

It would not have mattered one bit for me.

"I'm assuming you knew you had severed milk ducts long before you became pregnant, researched your chances of nursing with that condition, and came to the conclusion that it would be near impossible for you."

Actually not at all. If so I would not have tried for the three months that I did. I got a WIDE variety of answers to my research and was left knowing no more than when I started out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:29pm

"Now I'm not saying I agree with her course of action, but I CAN see a woman wanting to nurse badly enough to maybe wait to have an operation to alter her breasts in any way. Completely logical to me."

I guess, if she didn't mind being incapacitated in the meantime. But whether or not she would have made that choice (and I doubt she could really know without actually being there) it gave her no cause to judge what I did out of medical necessity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:31pm

<<>>

Can you provide some examples of the "variety" of answers you got?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:31pm

"When you had your breast reduction, did the surgeon make you aware of the risks it posed to future BF abilities?"

Yes, and he also told me that some can, some can't and there is no way of knowing for certain until you try.

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