Commitment, or lack thereof...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Commitment, or lack thereof...
1085
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 1:56pm

So I just saw something somewhere else (won't specify where, but I bet a few of you will figure it out!) where a woman indicated that she WAS planning on breastfeeding, but now because of a heated debate about it, she doesn't want to anymore.


Ummmmm, are you kidding me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 11:55pm

The parts you quote are exactly what I was referring to.

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"That's the
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 12:52am

I agree. I find it heart-wrenching to hear an infant cry (a tantrumming toddler is a whole 'nother ball game ;-)) and know they can't possibly communicate any other way that something is *wrong*. what is wrong? Maybe hunger, maybe thirst, maybe cold or too hot, maybe an itch or a hurt, or maybe...just maybe...they are human beings and just want tender loving care. Our DH's can say "I've had a bad day and I need a back rub, could you give me one please?". Our more verbal older kids can say "I fell and scraped my knee could you kiss it please?" or "I feel really down in the dumps could you just give me a hug?". The infants can't do that.





pregnancy


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 1:09am

"Our more verbal older kids can say "I fell and scraped my knee could you kiss it please?" or "I feel really down in the dumps could you just give me a hug?". The infants can't do that."

I've long found it fascinating that the Ezzos talk about "love languages" for older children and how important it is to "talk" to each child in her or his "love language".

Yet they utterly deny THE "love language" of infants. Touch, response to cues (whether for attention, a diaper change OR food) and reassurance through example that the world is a safe place to be. Instead it's all about Mom deciding when it's time to eat, Mom deciding when it's time to sleep, Mom deciding when it's time for touch, Mom deciding everything. That can leave an infant feeling unheard and rather uncertain about this big world.

***disclaimer****

Parents who use(d) the Ezzo materials love their children *just as much* as parents who do/did not, and want what is best for their children *just as much* as parents who do/did not use the materials. Parents who use(d) the Ezzo materials are NOT starving their children, are NOT neglecting their children and are NOT abusing their children.

The Ezzo materials can lead to children and babies being harmed, but it's the inaccurate and outright false information IN THE WRITINGS that put them at risk.

And some children DO do well, even following the Ezzo materials.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 1:30am

I would like to take these quotes one at a time and show what I find so disturbing about each. (and these are exactly the kinds of quotes that make the book so dangerous!!!)

<<<1. You shouldn't define his or her needs so much by the fact that your baby is crying as by your assessment of what that cry means.Assessment is important. >>>

How does Ezzo say parents should "assess" those cries? Not by watching the baby, but by consulting the schedule to see what "time" it is. If the clock says it's nap-time, then it can't possibly be hunger. If it is "playtime", it can't be because he's tired. Everything is based on what the SCHEDULE says it's time for. Many Babywise parents report that following this advice short-circuited their ability to "read" their babies, because they would mis-label their child's cries... a "hunger" cry during "nap" time was seen as "tiredness". A "tired" cry at the wrong time was "uncooperative", and so on.

<<>>

Displeasure????? What exactly does "displeasure" mean to an infant? This is Ezzo's way of subtly introducing the idea that babies try to manipulate their parents by expressing their "displeasure" by crying when they don't really "need" anything... they are just "displeased"... like a spoiled little tyrant.

<<>>

Yes, he does label things, but he does not give appropriate ways to identify the cries... everything is filtered through the schedule.

<<<2. Experience teaches us that parents who desire to demonstrate true love to their children will put aside their own emotions for the sake of the child.>>>

This is Ezzo-speak for "don't listen to your own emotions when your baby cries at the wrong time". In his religious materials he expounds on this idea by telling men that women are "too emotional" and that they may have to restrain their wives from responding "emotionally" to their infant's cries.

<<>>

This right here says "ignore your baby's cries if the clock says it is TIME for sleep." Read it again.... "they will tolerate a little crying"... how much is "a little"? How long is too long? (Ezzo talks about letting his granddaughter scream "like a 747" for 45 minutes during one of these "training" sessions. Apparently his definition of "a little" is quite a lot!) "if by their ASSESSMENT"... read... "once they have looked at the schedule and determined what it is "time" for." "doing so is the best plan of action for the baby" Again, Ezzo tells parents that babies do not know what they need, and that parents have to MAKE babies do things "for their own good". This is patently false. Babies are the ONLY ones who can accurately gauge what they "need", since they are the ones getting the signals from their bodies. A baby most definitely knows when he is tired or not, whether he is hungry or not, and he is absolutely not expressing selfish "displeasure" when he responds to these inner cues. It is the parent's job to *watch the baby* to accurately assess what they need, because the schedule cannot possibly know what is going on inside your child's body at any given time during the day, it is totally hit and miss. That is exactly why following the schedule REQUIRES parents to FORCE their child to follow the schedule, whether the want to or not, because it is "for their own good". (that may not be the way YOU read it, but it is most definitely the way Ezzo meant it and how many parents correctly interpret his message. He is much more specific in his religious materials, so his true intentions are no secret.)

<<<3. The question isn't whether crying is bad for your baby, but whether blocking all crying is good for him.>>>

Ezzo is suggesting that SOME crying is GOOD for babies. This is false. NO crying is "good" for a baby. Some crying is unavoidable, but it is no way healthy or desirable.

<<>

As someone else mentioned, Ezzo's idea of "blocking the cry" is never letting a baby cry. He incorrectly characterizes "attachment parents" as sticking a breast in the baby's mouth at the first whimper, all the time, "blocking" the baby's cries with the breast.

<<>>

There you go... 'nuff said.

<<>>

Again, Ezzo is mis-representing "AP" to make his own methods look more reasonable. Any well-educated breastfeeding specialist will tell you that the breast is FOR comfort, that is part and parcel of it's design. The act of sucking is soothing, which is why doctors suggest nursing during uncomfortable procedures like vaccinations. Chemicals in breastmilk cause children to relax, calming them and relieving their tension. It is NOT just about food! Ezzo is showing his ignorance about the basics of breastfeeding. And how exactly does he think you can separate the "food" from the *PERSON* giving the food? You can't exactly detach your breast and put the baby in a crib with it the way you can a bottle, so how is this teaching them that "food" is the source of comfort??? Babies learn that MOM is the source of comfort, because MOM is the one with the milkies. :-)

<<<4. Some crying is normal and should be expected,>>>

Again, twisting the truth to make his methods sound reasonable. Yes, some crying is normal and should be expected, but MAKING a child cry by ignoring their needs is NOT part of "normal".... he tries to get parents to accept that SOME crying is good, so long as it doesn't fall under specific categories:

<<>>

How is a parent supposed to differentiate between these cries if they are intentionally trying to block them out "for the child's own good"? They are intentionally desensitizing themselves to their child's cries, and in some cases, they can even train themselves to sleep right through their own child's cries the way people who live near train tracks or busy highways can sleep through noises that would keep others awake. In these cases, parents may believe that they have successfully trained their baby to sleep through the night, when in reality they have trained themselves not to hear them anymore. Many times they don't find out unless a guest spends the night and hears the baby crying.

<<>>

<<>>

If the parent believes that SLEEP is so important to their child, they will let them cry rather than to risk harming their child from "lack of sleep". Ezzo repeatedly reinforces this idea throughout the book. Ignore them if it's not time to eat, or you will teach them to be demanding and throw their bodies into "metabolic chaos". Ignore them if they are fussy and it's not naptime or you will throw off their schedule and this will harm them. Ignore them if it's naptime and they don't want to sleep, because they are simply expressing their "displeasure" at being put down, and you "need" to teach them the important ability to self-soothe themselves to sleep. He absolutely does tell parents to ignore cries by emphasizing the importance of these things over the importance of responding to your baby's cries.

<<>>

You did read the book, and yet you missed all these things. How can you be so sure that other parents will know exactly what to pick and choose from the book that is not harmful? MANY well educated, well meaning parents have had horrible results from what they believed was the "common sense" found in Babywise. Babies being hospitalized for dehydration and failure to thrive, not because they were going to extremes with the schedule, but because they followed it and it APPEARED to be working. Their babies learned to sleep when they were put down, eat only when it was time... but for these moms/babies the scheduled feedings were not enough to get the nutrition they needed. There was not enough stimulation to cue the mom's body to make enough milk, so the baby would be getting less and less at each feeding, but gradual enough not to be noticeable. These babies were not growing more "compliant", they were growing too weak to protest anymore. :-( If you go to the "voices of experience" on Ezzo.info you will read story after story of parents who firmly believed that they were being reasonable, not being too strict, using common sense, etc. only to have it all backfire on them. The materials themselves are full of huge flaws that some people manage to avoid, but that does not erase the fact that they ARE THERE, and babies ARE harmed by them.


There is NOTHING good in Ezzo's books that cannot be found elsewhere. ("The Baby Book" by Dr. Sears is an excellent resource, but there are many more.) It's not worth digging through the cat box looking for a tootsie roll. :-P

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 1:40am

<<>>

LOL Hon, this is EXACTLY what he says! You quoted him yourself! YOU just don't agree with it and you seem to have "filtered" it out because it does not agree with your personal beliefs, but he most definitely does say to ignore your child's cries at nap times, if they are hungry between feedings, etc. And if you read his second book, he does say to isolate them in their crib/playpen for things like throwing food or anything else the parent deems "inappropriate". Remember, the first book lays the foundations for the others, it teaches you to ignore your baby's cries in small increments, a little here, a little there. Oh, he's just fussy, he's not really hungry. He's just displeased, he'll fall asleep soon. Five minutes here, ten there... 15-20 for bed or naptimes... sometimes more. Notice, he isn't very specific about how long "a little crying" is. He simply keeps pounding away at the importance of sleep to the infant, to the parents, to the marriage until the parent is afraid NOT to let their child cry *long enough* to learn these oh-so-important lessons. He HAS to learn to self-soothe... he NEEDS to learn to sleep longer than 45 minutes... it's for his own good! "A little" crying can very easily slip into longer and longer periods without the parents realizing it. It is a gradual, subtle method of desensitization, and it is intentional. He teaches parents to harden their hearts towards their infants. THIS is what I personally find so reprehensible about his materials. I am very glad that is not what YOU took away from them, but that is what EZZO put there, and what other parents will pick up when they read his book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 5:57am

When you say a schedule of "when and how often" what are you referring to?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 6:09am

I would be very careful about attributing all your dd's attributes to Ezzo training.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 8:51am

"But, I remember you saying you haven't read the book "


When did I say that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 8:55am

"This is exactly what I meant when I said that you can't diss the book w/o ever reading it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 9:13am

"For example your DH comes home from work just exhausted - more so than usual.

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