Do you think choosing to FF makes you a

Avatar for all_girls4me
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Do you think choosing to FF makes you a
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Wed, 05-28-2003 - 12:58pm
bad or selfish parent? Reading Ingrid's post, I was thinking about that. It seem like the "militant" BF most practice the AP style and think that anything else is just plain wrong. I for one think that there are many parenting styles out there and you have to choose what's right for you, and that includes FF or BF. I for one don't agree with co-sleeping. I don't get any sleep and my kids sleep better in their own beds too. And I value the time I have after 8pm that I can do whatever I need to do for myself and my relationship with my DH. But that's just me........

Ilka



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Avatar for kfira71
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:30pm
No, I definitely don't. I think formula is safe and nutritious, and I've seen my DS thrive beautifully on it. No reason for me to feel like a bad or selfish parent there.

I think you bring up an interesting point about AP and some of its followers. I can honestly say that the most vicious and judgemental posts from mothers I've ever seen have been on an Attachment Parenting board (I should point out that I'm not talking about the AP board here at Parentsoup - they seem like a lovely group of women). The excuse I've commonly seen for their attitude and rudeness is that, as AP parents, they're simply passionate about their children, and that passion sometimes comes out in their posts.

To me, it seems that for these extreme APers, any other type of parenting is practically akin to child abuse. I've seen cribs called jails (without even a hint of humor) and pacifiers called "plastic mothers" by some of the most extreme APers. Apparently, according to some, a mother should not have any desire to *ever* be away from her baby -- that must mean she is "detached" (a term I've seen several APers use to describe my type of parenting, and it just annoys the heck out of me, LOL!). I think it is unfortunate for the AP image that these women -- who I'm sure represent a *very* narrow segment of the overall AP community -- are so vocal in their judgements.

I don't really understand the concept of labelling one's parenting style. I certainly educate myself on as many aspects of parenting as I can, but I would never want to stick a label on myself that says I must do X, Y, and Z or I can't "belong" to a certain "group." Parenting just seems like so much more than that to me. Obviously, we can all be partial to certain parenting philosophies, but I would hope that we are intelligent enough to take what works for us, and leave the rest -- and to *respect* that what seems right to us and what works for us doesn't have to be what is right and what works for every other family.

~Kim

"Becoming a parent means agreeing to allow your heart to go walking around outside of your body."

Avatar for luv_my_boyz
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Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:06pm
No I don't think that ff are bad or selfish parents.

"I for one don't agree with co-sleeping."

Why is it acceptable for you to say that and its not acceptable for me to say "I don't agree with ff?" I don't ff because I don't agree with it! When I say that I'm being judgmental, militant, intolerant, trying to force my views down peoples throat, etc.

Danielle

Avatar for luv_my_boyz
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Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:09pm
True AP is following your child's queues and being in charge of making decisions for your own family. You know "attitudes" aren't the sole domain of APers. I've seen plenty of "attitudes" about APers and BFers too.

Danielle

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:10pm
With the exception of the fact that I do BF, I agree with you about all the other things you mentioned. For me, being able to sleep well (and it's not at the expense of my DS, because he also sleeps well), and to have some time to myself in the evening is so good for me. I know having that time to recharge makes me a more livable person, and I would have to think that makes me a better mom to DS. My whole day, including getting a chance to go to the bathroom or to eat something, revolves around DS every day all day. If I'm selfish for relaxing (or just getting caught up on stuff) for 3 hours before I go to bed, so be it! LOL!

As for the BF vs. FF issue specifically, I do think it's a bit selfish to not even try to BF since we all recognize BM is what is best for a baby. But someone else may say that is too high of a price to pay - like the way I feel about co-sleeping. (Though I think the benefits of BM are much clearer, and to me more important, than any benefits of co-sleeping.) As to when a mom decides to wean whether that be a few weeks or a few months, that is so individual. We each have different work, health, and family obligations that play a part.

- Ingrid


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Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:12pm
No, it does not make me a bad or selfish parent. In fact, one can say that a bf'er is being selfish; only one person can feed baby, instead of in ff'ing more people can participate in taking care of baby.

I'd like to say more but I have to run!!

Jeanie

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Avatar for kfira71
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:21pm
Actually, I think the militant or intolerant label for certain people comes into play when comments like "People who choose not to BF shouldn't have children in the first place" get thrown around. It's a question of respect and attitude, not the initial position.

~Kim

"Becoming a parent means agreeing to allow your heart to go walking around outside of your body."

Avatar for kfira71
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:22pm
<<"You know "attitudes" aren't the sole domain of APers.">>

Never said they were. :o)

~Kim

"Becoming a parent means agreeing to allow your heart to go walking around outside of your body."

Avatar for luv_my_boyz
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:27pm
You know this is really ticking me off. You are putting words into my mouth. You find where I ever said that. I know what you are referring too. The point at hand was *SELFISHNESS* as it related to the topic of freedom, not bf or ff. I've met selfish bf and selfish ff and I don't happen to think that selfishness is a good quality for a parent to have. I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER said that ff's should not be parents!!!!!!!!

Danielle

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:12pm
ITA. I see just as much judgment on the non-AP or ff side.

Sherry

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Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:37pm
Totally & definately not bad parent. Selfish, sure. I don't want to do it. For me, anytime you don't do something just because you don't wanna, your being selfish if it does affect in any form or fashion another person. I'm not afraid to admit it is selfish. I told my sil, I told my very best friend, I told my own mother I didn't want to bf'd because I don't want to and I know it is selfish. Why deny the truth?

I know many a breastfeeders here in the real world of Kentucky beyond cyberspace and I don't know a parent who practices AP. Some aspects of it like I do (i.e. co-sleeping) but not the full agenda. And co-sleeping just happened because it worked for us with our first baby, we didn't plan on co-sleeping. We don't plan to co-sleep with this new baby but never say never when your a parent lol

I have no particular named parenting style. I just parent to the best of my ability. I make choices based on what is best for my child and our family overall. I'm probably a good mix of several philosphies all rolled into one so I'm not sure what you'd call me other than mommy and a wife.

And as mom and wife, I value my time alone just for myself and I certainly value the time dh and I have just for the two of us.

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