I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
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I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
| Thu, 12-04-2008 - 12:45pm |
Maybe I'm having a bad day, but I really just don't get the, "Happy Mommy=Happy Baby" mentality when someone throws it out there in defense of formula feeding. Where exactly can I get one of these babies who is automatically happy because I am? Can I trade mine in for that model? LOL (just kidding, of course). I am just really tired of reading that and hearing that.
Sorry, just had to vent. I was feeling left out of the monster threads :)

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ITA.
I'm one of the ones who said I liked having some help in the night; I don't get help every night, and I do all the feedings, of course. But DH does occasionally change a diaper or strip a puked-on crib sheet. I don't ask him to do these things. He gets up and does them to help me and to be a part of the nighttime childcare. If he is getting up and insisting on helping me, which he really only does once in awhile, am I supposed to tell him not to? He *wants* to do it, even though he has to get up for work in the morning, and I SAH instead.
I'm really not trying to be snarky, but I'm genuinely curious. If a dad is very interested in helping with his kids in the middle of the night, shouldn't he be allowed to, regardless of the daytime arrangement? I usually do tell him to go back to bed, but he doesn't usually listen, LOL. And this isn't at all to say that other dads are "bad parents" because they don't do it, BTW. Every family has to do what works well for them. But if a dad really *wants* to be doing these things, is it unreasonable or inappropriate that Mom "lets" him?
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Sure he's allowed to.
But if a dad really *wants* to be doing these things, is it unreasonable or inappropriate that Mom "lets" him?
Not at all.
Thank you both for responding to my question.
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I agree with you. It's hard for me to imagine a dad who didn't want to be a part of the nighttime stuff at all; my DH wants to be involved, and my own dad did to some degree when we were little, as well.
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I will admit I skimmed a lot of this thread, but I think I know what you mean. I don't believe any of the above about mothers and fathers, BTW.
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Me too! I definitely think everyone has to do what works for them. I do think that these kinds of decisions should - ideally - be made before the baby is born, whenever possible, so nobody is surprised by their own responsibilities or the demands placed on them by the other partner, but it's certainly an individual decision to make.
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Gotcha. Like I said, I don't hold those opinions myself, but I understand what you mean. I will say that some things do change when you have more than one child, as I had mentioned in my previous posts to the thread. I really was a control freak when Liam was a baby (not saying those who want to "do everything" are control freaks; I really do think I had issues that went above and beyond what we're discussing here). I really wasn't happy with the way life was going, and a lot of it was because I was always telling my DH not to help me with anything, at any time of the day. Now that I have had my second baby, I have found some more happiness in motherhood because I am making it easier for him to participate in some of the childcare. It doesn't really afford me "breaks" or anything like that (I get plenty of time off, LOL. I like early bedtimes for babies and toddlers, and then I get a couple of hours to myself each and every evening; iVillage gets the lion's share of my free time, it seems). But it does let me relax a little bit. For me, I think there was a bit of a trust issue there too. But that's just me. I'm getting better with it, and I am glad this is working well for OUR family. I don't expect others to do things a certain way just because I do. :O)
It's hard for me to imagine a dad who didn't want to be a part of the nighttime stuff at all; my DH wants to be involved, and my own dad did to some degree when we were little, as well.
My dad was gone before my second birthday so perhaps that's part of it?
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It does. I can understand your perspective based on your upbringing, and how it differs from your DH's. My DH and I have very similar backgrounds WRT our parents' individual roles in the family, and I think that just naturally extended into the way we have made our own family operate.
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True. I wasn't impressed with the way the thread turned either, and I forgot about that. I don't necessarily agree with her 100%, but she'll do it the way she sees fit when the time comes, like everyone else does, and that's fine by me. :O)
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That's a good attitude to take. Honestly, I think you need to expect that some things will change, and that you'll need to adapt. I know I did when I had my second baby, and that wasn't the same as having two new babies, LOL. I remember saying I'd never co-sleep with her, since I hadn't with Liam, but then she turned out to be a very different kind of baby than he was. He is high-needs during the day, and she's high-needs around the clock, LOL. I had her co-sleeping for the entire night until about a month ago, until she was better able to sleep in the side-carred bassinet, and now she only co-sleeps from about 5 AM onward. But it was like a huge internal struggle for me to finally be okay with co-sleeping all night, for the couple of months we needed to do it. But it worked out for us, and in the end, it was the right answer for our family. I really learned my lesson about being adaptable; it sure beat listening to her scream like a banshee all night long in her bassinet when she really needed more closeness with me.
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Oh, I'm the same way. I didn't leave DH alone with Liam for a bedtime until Liam was over 2 YEARS OLD. Most people think I'm ridiculous, and a psycho, for doing that. But I was scared that DH wouldn't do it "right", that Liam would freak out if he had to go to bed without nursing, and so on. He all but pushed me out the door one night a little over a year ago, after I had expressed mild interest in attending a Mom's Night Out with some ladies from our church. He was sooooo freakin' thrilled that I finally wanted to go out and do something on my own that he dropped everything to make it work out. I went pretty reluctantly, and joined them at a coffee shop for sandwiches and dessert. Everyone survived and I finally got to leave this place alone after dark. It worked out fine, but it was a LONG time coming and I was terrified to let it happen. So I KWYM.
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Totally. I remember all too well being the pregnant mom of a rugrat, LOL. He always napped for me, and still does now, but I would sleep through his naps myself most days. He also STTN 10-11 hours in addition to the nap, and I was definitely out cold then too, LOL.
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Fair enough. I agree with you.
"Why is it that mom's that generally feel they are the ones that can and should do 90% of the night time new born activities were kinda jumped on in this thread?"
Probably b/c they got confused with the ones who thought they should do 100% of all activities. There were some women saying that this was just what they did in their homes, and some women saying that you shouldn't expect men at all to wake up for night feedings, especially if they have to leave for work in the morning. A whole host of "ITA"s made it even less clear in understanding what people were actually saying.
I personally didn't have any beef with the women who said that was just how they did it at their houses. I had two concerns:
1. People making generalizations about what men should/shouldn't be doing (IOW, what my husband should/shouldn't have to do).
2. People making agreements of who would take care of what before the baby was actually born. That was more of a concern than a beef because I just think it's a bad practice for a solid partnership after the baby is born (and most of your plans go out the window). I feel I've already explained myself on that front.
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Again, I don't think your post is directed at me, but I will address this. I personally think that agreements are great, but sometimes it seems to me (from the way people describe the "agreement") that it was more or less a one-sided decision. Decide together, of course, but don't tell me that it was your perfect 100% agreement but now you're furious because you got convinced to take the night job and now you're sick of it, KWIM? Sometimes people make arguments and claims for the sake of the debate but then two days later they're moaning about how awful it is, the thing they were just praising two days prior. Consistency in argumentation is all I ask for.
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Probably b/c they got confused with the ones who thought they should do 100% of all activities. There were some women saying that this was just what they did in their homes, and some women saying that you shouldn't expect men at all to wake up for night feedings, especially if they have to leave for work in the morning.
If that's how some women feel (and honestly, I do agree for the most part, standard disclaimers and all that) why should they be less entitled to their feelings than women who insist both parents get up at night?
1. People making generalizations about what men should/shouldn't be doing (IOW, what my husband should/shouldn't have to do).
But don't you see that's what the other side was doing?
I think I must have
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