I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
753
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 12:45pm

Maybe I'm having a bad day, but I really just don't get the, "Happy Mommy=Happy Baby" mentality when someone throws it out there in defense of formula feeding. Where exactly can I get one of these babies who is automatically happy because I am? Can I trade mine in for that model? LOL (just kidding, of course). I am just really tired of reading that and hearing that.


Sorry, just had to vent. I was feeling left out of the monster threads :)

~*bEcQUi*~

2 KiDs, a HuBbY, & a NeUroTiC doG

www.apileofe

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 8:44pm


Oh geez, this is like "Spaceballs" or something, it's far too late at night for me to figure that one out...


I think your life experience definitely shapes how far you can comfortably take a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 9:07pm

LMAO...oh trust me that was me and the girls dad.


Probably the ONLY reason I didn't make the same mistake the 2nd time! ;)

Photobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket
Photobucket

Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 9:21pm

"My cats loved me being pregnant, they laid out on my belly and slept all day with me."

Yep. Then for the first three months of my dd's life, the cat would run out the kitty door at the first sound.

Watching the videos of dd at 6 months or so, she's intently watching *something*, then a tail waves past the video lens.

By a year, the cat would nap on the napping baby (up her legs and on her butt).

So, they made their peace.

Oh yeah. DD's first word was "cat". ^_^

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 9:56pm

"But if a dad doesn't want anything to do with the nighttime routine and is being bullied/forced/guilted into doing it, that's not a parenting decision made together, that's mom being a dictator."

I definitely think that mom bullying/forcing/guilting dad is bad, but I think the premise fir such a response is also bad. Why does dad get to decide that he doesn't want to do the nighttime routine independent of mom? That's not a parenting decision made together either. Why the double-standard?




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks to Heather (blessedmom0508) for the beautiful signatures!
Lilypie 1st Birthday PicLilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
PhotobucketPhotobucket
Photobucket

PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:17pm

"If that's how some women feel (and honestly, I do agree for the most part, standard disclaimers and all that) why should they be less entitled to their feelings than women who insist both parents get up at night?"

Because some people were saying what they do, and some people were saying what I should do. I'm fine with the people saying what they do. It's the people who said that no men (my husband included) should have to get up with the baby that annoyed me personally. I never said they're not entitled to their feelings, and I think if you read the thread you won't find comments from me saying that they weren't. I mean, tell me what you (general) think I should do with my breakdown of parental duties, fine, but then don't criticize me for talking about your breakdown, KWIM?

"But don't you see that's what the other side was doing? Men should be getting up, and if they don't they are less of a parent because of it."

I saw way more than just two sides in this thread, personally. Yes, there were people who said that men who didn't get up weren't doing their jobs as fathers. But there were people who were also making inferences that men shouldn't have to get up (none of them, my DH included), and that women who make their husbands get up are not doing their jobs as mothers.

"A basic (although fluid) plan has to be in place before a baby is born. Decisions are not best being made at 3 am when everyone is tired, tempers are flaring and hot words may be exchanged. Of course things may change, but that doesn't mean a good general idea of what to expect from each other and when should not be decided upon and established before hand."

Absolutely. But I still will voice concerns whenever people talk about iron-clad agreements signed in blood and notarized. Those kinds of agreements are likely to cause problems. As I said before, if a woman tells her husband that he will never have to get up after the kids are born, she has made an agreement that is ripe for discontent. At some point, he almost certainly will have to get up with the kids. When he does, he'll resent his wife for "making" him get up. She'll resent him for being angry at her for something that was out of her control. Again, my sis and BIL. Thank goodness my sister had relatively easy births, because there's no way her husband would have got up to help with the baby like my DH did after my c/s when I couldn't even get out of bed.

People are more than welcome to make whatever agreements they want in their marriages. But I will still make recommendations and voice concerns if I think they will help. Just like everyone else on this board.

"Circumstances change, so agreements have to be up for discussion and change also."

They sure do, but that has little to do with consistency in argumentation. There are some ridiculous inconsistencies on these boards. Someone might be bragging about how great their relationship is with their husband on one board (and criticizing everyone else) while at the same time they are posting about their recent separation on another board. Like I said, don't criticize me for not doing what you do in one thread while you talk about hating your own decision in another.




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks to Heather (blessedmom0508) for the beautiful signatures!
Lilypie 1st Birthday PicLilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
PhotobucketPhotobucket
Photobucket

PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2007
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:25pm

By a year, the cat would nap on the napping baby (up her legs and on her butt).

So, they made their peace.

Oh yeah. DD's first word was "cat". ^_^>>>>

hahaha Josie's first word is "tac" which is our cat's name. She says it all the time, and points to the cat and says tac tac tac over and over until the cat comes to her. they sleep together at naptime too, it's kinda annoying when they are both sleeping on me!




Powered by CGISpy.com






Photobucket
Photobucket


Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket





Photobucket



Photobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucket
Photobucket

Photobucket
Photobucket


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:45pm

"It's nice if DH wants to get up, but if you're BFing why would you go through the trouble of getting a bottle warmed even if it's EBM?"

What I don't understand is the whole "warming the bottle" bit. The best we did is make the milk lukewarm, but we'd given up on that by the time she was two months. She drinks the milk cold now.

"I don't know, it just doesn't seem logical to me that both parents should be sleep deprived b/c of a screaming baby who is waiting for a bottle. I'd much rather just roll over, latch....silence....LOL."

That assumes a few things:

1. Your baby does not need its diaper changed during the night. E needed her diaper changed before each feeding until she was 3-4 months old. She pooped 8 times a day until then.
2. Your definition of "sleep deprived" is the same as everyone else's. It wakes me up much more to get up and bring E to the bed than it would for DH to do the same thing. He's awake for perhaps 10 seconds to bring her to me and 20 seconds to take her back to her bed. If he brings her to me, I'm awake less and he's barely awake at all.
3. Everyone can co-sleep. I did co-sleeping on a limited basis with E for awhile, but it was very difficult. E nurses *constantly* while in the bed with me so having her in the bed with me for more than a couple hours at a time meant that she wasn't getting much sleep at night.

FWIW, it is much easier for me to nurse E than it is for me to listen to her fuss while DH puts a bottle together, especially at night.

But that doesn't mean that I haven't asked him to do just that when it's a bad night and she's woke up every single hour wanting to eat. Usually I try to nurse her in those instances (because it may be a growth spurt and at those times she's trying to up my supply), but I don't sleep well while she nurses anymore (I more just rest and meditate than actually sleep like I used to be able to) and waking up every hour for 10-15 minutes is very hard on me. I am an extremely light sleeper with slow-sleep insomnia, which means that it's very hard for me to get to sleep and hard for me to stay asleep. When not pregnant or bf, I need nine hours of sleep per night to function well.

I recognize that I am the mother and I signed up for this, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask my husband to step in, especially when I'm nearing desperation. Yes, I am a mother, but I am also a debate coach and a full-time grad student. It doesn't hurt my husband to help me out at those times and it makes the difference between me being lucid at my team meetings and classes (and when 40% of your grade is class participation, you need to be lucid) and being a zombie. I have a very, very hard time composing one of my weekly papers (which I cannot fake) on less than five hours of broken sleep. Five hours of sleep to me is like two hours to my husband, who sleeps much deeper and much faster than I do.




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks to Heather (blessedmom0508) for the beautiful signatures!
Lilypie 1st Birthday PicLilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
PhotobucketPhotobucket
Photobucket

PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:57pm

Why does dad get to decide that he doesn't want to do the nighttime routine independent of mom? That's not a parenting decision made together either. Why the double-standard?


I haven't seen a single woman here post that their partner never offers help, or would refuse to help if they were truly needed.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 11:03pm
<<

I haven't seen a single woman here post that their partner never offers help, or would refuse to help if they were truly needed.


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 11:06pm

"This is precisely what is being done to me, why the double standard? Am I not entitled to my opinion? (This thread being more of an opinionated one, rather than factual, anyhow)"

Did I say you weren't? Remember that I didn't say you weren't qualified to have an opinion. I never told you what to do with your marriage. I made suggestions. I believe you said that it angered you that SAHM's had their husbands get up during the night:

"That REALLY irks the crap out of me, the women who SAH yet still make their DH's get up at night to help when they have to work in the morning."

I mean, that doesn't sound very understanding of the dynamic in my relationship, does it? I recognize that you have made amendments to this remark, but I'm noting here that I didn't open fire in this "battle." ;)

"I don't believe plans just go out the window. I plan to BF, I plan to CD, I plan to be a responsive AP-type parent....well that stuff doesn't just happen. You plan for it, research things, etc."

Of course you do, and it would be unwise not to. I never said that you shouldn't plan, only that you shouldn't make ironclad agreements when you simply don't know exactly how things are going to end up. Parenthood requires flexibility, and the tone of your post suggested that you and your husband were not going to be at all flexible.

Again, from your OP:

"I don't see any reason why dad has to step in."

And I gave you reasons. You want an easy L&D experience and I wish you one, but you may not get one. My doc predicted an easy one for me after a very uneventful pregnancy and less than 36 hours later, I was on mag for pre-e and having a c/s for a prolapsed cord. Circumstances can change *that* fast. I expressed my concern for your situation simply because I have seen what happens when people make ironclad agreements before they are actually in the situation, and I have seen what happens when your plans have to go out the window.

But I'm thinking that maybe you didn't read my second reply to you, because I've already said this stuff.

<>

As was I. You'll notice that I never once criticized you for expressing these opinions but not having had children yet. I'm now noticing that you obviously didn't read my second reply to you because I even mentioned this to you.

Don't lump me in with the people who said that. I gave you a recommendation based on what I have gone through in nearly ten years of marriage. At no point did I say you were silly or stupid for having an opinion without direct experience in the matter. If I can help someone, I will. You don't have to take my advice, but don't take the fact that I'm giving advice as my invalidation of your research or planning. It was not intended that way.




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks to Heather (blessedmom0508) for the beautiful signatures!
Lilypie 1st Birthday PicLilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
PhotobucketPhotobucket
Photobucket

PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket




Powered by CGISpy.com


Thanks

Pages