Militant formula feeder v. Militant BFer
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| Sun, 04-01-2007 - 10:04pm |
I have always lurked here because I find the breast/bottle debate interesting. I had an interesting experience at a baby shower today and thought I'd bring it here.
I exclusively BF my 3 month old son. It has not been easy or natural until the past few weeks. He had jaundice, bad doctors, we've both had thrush on and off for 2 months, dairy allergies, etc. I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant educating myself about the benefits of breastfeeding, common mistakes that new mother's make, why doctors are often incorrect when it comes to BFing...
Anyways, I was the only BFing mother at the shower today. I left my son with my mom (sleeping) and the host knew that I would have to leave as soon as he woke up (he doesn't take a bottle). I was ridiculed and made fun of by the women at the shower. They thought it was cute, I didn't. Comments were made such as, you just have that baby attached to your boob, huh? He's going to be so spoiled..what a moma's boy, blah, blah. Another mother told me that she wouldn't breastfeed because then the baby only sees you as food (ummm..what about the comfort and bonding part?!)
When the pregnant woman at the shower told me that she was interested in BFing and asked if I had any advice, etc. the other women went on and on with mistruths about BFing (how they didn't have enough milk, the baby was allergic to their milk...) I tried to divert the conversation, but I was outnumbered, so I told her to call me and we could talk then.
This is not the first experience like this that I've had. I am constantly encountering people with these attitudes. If they aren't perpetuating mistruths, they are saying things like, "boy weren't you lucky to be able to BF.." I wasn't lucky, I had a very hard time. I was PROACTIVE because he is my CHILD and I want him to have the best start possible. I don't expect a pat on the back, but don't undermine my devotion to my son.
I guess this is my issue/question: Why do I hear so much about militant breastfeeders when FF moms are just as bad? Why do I become portrayed as militant when I'm simply trying to educate a new mom about the wonderful aspects of BFing? Honestly, I don't really care what people do with their own kids, but I do think that it is important to educate new moms about the benefits of BFing.


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LOL....I described Sarah as "different," you described Sandrine as "unique." We should just tell it like it is....they are strange little children!!!! I love her to death, and as she's getting older, we get along much better, but for much of her "little kidhood," she made me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!
I remember when the psychologist was explaining all of her findings to me, the dyslexia, the ADD, the genius-level IQ, I said, "But she's the "dumb" kid." (Of course not meaning that she's actually stupid....just that she's the only one to have any struggles in school, and now they're telling me that she's not just a bright kid, but she is a genius????) The psychologist responded that she's so smart, the rest of us mere mortals just can't understand her thought processes! As she gets older, this description of her becomes more apparent. Not because we actually "get" what's going on in her mind, but because she can now explain it to us sometimes!
I just may be living with the next Einstein.
Karin
LOL! YK, I never thrived really well at school except at things I was really interested in. And sometimes I was held back (which I don't agree with, even now) by teachers who thought I should ONLY read books at my grade level or who didn't think I should try skipping a grade in french b/c a) I wouldn't be with my peers and b) it would maybe be too hard and I might fail (FWIW I got an A the year I skipped a grade in french).
But although I know I'm smart, and my mom says I certainly bring up really interesting things she might never have thought of, and she thinks are well thought-out, I'm the black sheep of the family really...the only one basically without even so much as a BA/BSc. Lots of my family even have PhD's but not me. ;-)
Fio
>>I popped in and read your post and the responses to it, and I felt compelled to apologize on behalf of fair-minded people everywhere.
See you made the mistake I have made so often... You came on the Hooray for Breastfeeding Board (they really should re-name this thing...who do ya email to suggest that?) and failed to engage in the endless high-fiving and back-patting. Here's a tip: never point out any of the following:
1. Nobody's perfect, not even bfers,
2. Not all ffers deserve to be demonized, or
3. Bfing is a relationship and like any relationship, the needs of *both* parties need to be considered.
Otherwise you will be subsequently slammed and be on the receiving end of numerous sarcastic, snarky remerks. I hope you post more.... I hate being the only one who violates these unwritten 'rules' on a regular basis. FWIW there *are* quite a few women on this board who are able to acknowledge all of the above and can even (gasp) admit that we don't live in a perfect world. I have found those women to be helpful resources for information on various bfing related topics. There are a few here though that seem to be of the opinion that there are no valid reasons for using formula, and though it's never been said I get the feel that they think if you can't/don't wish to bf you shouldn't have had children in the first place. You know... perfect people who know it all.<<
I think you know that this is an unfair and inaccurate portrayal of the regular posters of this board.
I'd like to point out that the objection to Debbie's post was largely to her declaration that the OP'er just needed to get new friends. I would think you would also have been bothered by such a suggestion, but apparently not...
As for your rules: Not one of us have ever stated that bf'ing mothers are perfect and ff'ing mothers deserve to be demonized. I think we go out of our way to establish that, while formula is an inferior substance, ff'ing mothers are neither inferior nor derelect/negligent parents. As for #3: I think the one with the least propensity for survival and whose health, well-being, and future happiness is most affected gets the majority vote in the infant feeding decision ;). And it's my nsho that the baby would nearly always choose breastfeeding. I will always contend that a mother's responsibility is to provide the safest environment to her child which is most conducive to optimal health and development, regardless of her own personal needs, wants, and desires. I do consider it selfish for a mother to place her wants/desires over the needs of her infant
(note that I did not say her needs, though in some cases those really ought to take a back seat to baby's, too). I really don't think that's asking more of a mother than is required of her in any other parenting situation I can think of; it just so happens that this particular motherly duty involves breasts, and to that effect society takes 10 giant leaps backwards and starts muttering something about "choice" and "just fine." Which brings us back to teh point of the OP: bf'ing is a taboo topic and anyone who merely mentions the word is "militant." And FTR: I don't think that this means that formula should never, ever, ever be used and any mom who dare thinks of using it is undeserving of her precious baby; that's absurd. Sometimes formula really is in the best interest of a baby for a multitude of reasons, and society is such that proper education and support for bf'ing just isn't available. I certainly don't go around faulting *women* b/c they can't get decent advise from their doctors, or b/c they need to work a job which does not permit pumping, or that they have to go on business trips frequently to keep a job which provides their child's medical insurance. Tough decisions have to be made...what
i don't like to see is those decisions being made w/o all of the pertinent information. And sometimes, whether or not we like it, correcting misinformation can step on another woman's toes; if even one woman is helped by that unfortunate offense, then to me it's worth it (collateral damage, if you will). Besides: the mother who ff because of bad info is already ff'ing, or did ff; there's no turning back for her, but there sure could be prevention for someone else! And that lady might even choose to bf her next child...you really never know. I'm sure glad that someone didn't accept my "iron clad" reasons for ff'ing my son, or my insistence that formula was "just fine" or my staunch position that "those studies are crap." ;).
This is a debate board...you are going to find opinions all across the spectrum. What you are never going to find is scientific evidence which discredits breastmilk as the standard form of infant nutrition. Your posts are generally on-point, respectful, and well thought out, but several times in this thread you have become incredibly sarcastic and stated that bf'ers believe themselves to be on par with saints (the halo comment, your above comments). You've even gone so far as to state that you dont' want to be calle da bf'er even though you are bf'ing your little girl b'c you dont' want to be "aligned" with some of hte beliefs you've read here...that's really cutting off your nose to spite your face, isn't it?
I had never heard the term hyperlexic! But that would be me...when I was in grade 1, sneaking around to get the grade 7 readers and reading them, and being told I wasn't allowed to b/c I had to stick with the boring grade 1 readers. *eyeroll*
Fio
Yeah, I hadn't heard it before Andrew's speech therapist said that she's pretty sure Andrew is. I had to look it up too.
I never realized how lucky I was as a kid and how good my school was. All I had to do was show my teacher I could read the harder stuff and I was allowed to pick from anywhere in the library. There was one other student who was like me and we comprised our own reading group (kids were put into groups according to their level in my class IIRC). They also encouraged my creative writing skills and such. Apparently they wanted to skip me from first grade to third grade, but my mother nixed it (she was skipped and it really was not a good thing emotionally and mentally for her). So she worked with the teachers on a *plan* for me. They pretty much accomodated anything I wanted to do.
My post was sarcastic. i have never heard of anyone getting harrassed that much by a group of women for bf'ng. I am 37 y.o. and live in a major city. I have been to *alot* of babys howers, belonged to playgroups and have 2 children in elementary school. I have never, never heard anyone getting that harassed by that many people at a baby shower.
Maybe it is a small town thing.
Who said no one talk about it? Sure we talked about it (this is also almost 6 y.o. ago when my last was born). We just never judged or had such hositlity towards each other like in the OP. If that was my family or close friend, I would seriously have been hurt. I habve a group of riends who did both. None of the bf'ers were "militant" (one lended me her pump with my second) or made any derogatory remarrks about those who ff'ed and none of the ff'ers ever cared about BFIP (when I was having trouble in the beginning, my one friend always held the blanket for me), they never, never propped a bottle.
So you and your friends sit there and tell each other how wonderful you are that you bf and tell your ff'ng friends they suck?
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