Militant formula feeder v. Militant BFer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Militant formula feeder v. Militant BFer
515
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 10:04pm

I have always lurked here because I find the breast/bottle debate interesting. I had an interesting experience at a baby shower today and thought I'd bring it here.

I exclusively BF my 3 month old son. It has not been easy or natural until the past few weeks. He had jaundice, bad doctors, we've both had thrush on and off for 2 months, dairy allergies, etc. I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant educating myself about the benefits of breastfeeding, common mistakes that new mother's make, why doctors are often incorrect when it comes to BFing...

Anyways, I was the only BFing mother at the shower today. I left my son with my mom (sleeping) and the host knew that I would have to leave as soon as he woke up (he doesn't take a bottle). I was ridiculed and made fun of by the women at the shower. They thought it was cute, I didn't. Comments were made such as, you just have that baby attached to your boob, huh? He's going to be so spoiled..what a moma's boy, blah, blah. Another mother told me that she wouldn't breastfeed because then the baby only sees you as food (ummm..what about the comfort and bonding part?!)

When the pregnant woman at the shower told me that she was interested in BFing and asked if I had any advice, etc. the other women went on and on with mistruths about BFing (how they didn't have enough milk, the baby was allergic to their milk...) I tried to divert the conversation, but I was outnumbered, so I told her to call me and we could talk then.

This is not the first experience like this that I've had. I am constantly encountering people with these attitudes. If they aren't perpetuating mistruths, they are saying things like, "boy weren't you lucky to be able to BF.." I wasn't lucky, I had a very hard time. I was PROACTIVE because he is my CHILD and I want him to have the best start possible. I don't expect a pat on the back, but don't undermine my devotion to my son.

I guess this is my issue/question: Why do I hear so much about militant breastfeeders when FF moms are just as bad? Why do I become portrayed as militant when I'm simply trying to educate a new mom about the wonderful aspects of BFing? Honestly, I don't really care what people do with their own kids, but I do think that it is important to educate new moms about the benefits of BFing.

hhh


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:00am

"So you and your friends sit there and tell each other how wonderful you are that you bf and tell your ff'ng friends they suck"

I never said that people who FF suck. I really don't know why you're making that assumption about me. I think that there is a double standard of how BFing in general is treated as opposed to FFing. When I attempted to give BFing advice in this situation (solicited) I was met with defensive and incorrect FFing advice...and not for the first time.

I'm still not sure what this has to do with what size town I live in...?

hhh


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:01am

>>This post sums up the reason you will never have more ff'ers on this board. It is also the reason why moms will always be fighting each other and really never win anything in the end. It is such a hateful post and really, really sad that no one else on this board thought this post was outrageous.

This is a futile debate board to be on. <<

Not to be naive, but why? Why was that post hateful? It's not the FFers who have the powerful lobbies, it's the manufacturers. And they do own the war. Romney in Massachusetts, Tommy Thompson of HHS. They are all heavily influenced by big money.

Unfortunately, if I don't go now, my kids will be late for school. Hopefully I'll have a little time to check-in again soon.

`nisu

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:04am

"I never said NO ONE talked about it in gernal."

You did say no one ever talks about it. I talk about more than feeding with my friends too.

hhh


Avatar for mrsmichael6300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:06am

You know, Debbie, you keep pointing out various arguments within this thread as "sweeping generalizations," yet *you* are using your limited experience (i.e. in one city, with your personal group of friends) as your one and only reference point for societal attitudes toward infant feeding. Why do you think that your experience is more valid than anyone else's? Why are other people's comments, some based on true research, labeled "generalizations" but your anecdotal debunking of those statements is not?

Just because you have not met someone who ff due to the ick factor does not mean it is not a motivator for ff'ing moms. Did it occur to you that these moms *did* feel grossed out, but didnt' want to admit that to you? You never know. It's still considered "icky" in a lot of places.

As for your "other" feeding choices board: if you like it better, why don't you just stay over there? After all, that's basically what you told the OP...just find better friends. Or can only you do that?

FTR: I truly believe that this board helps more women than you realize. And any derogatory comments about ff'ing mothers that you, or anyone else for that matter, insists are being posted here are a figment of your imagination. Not once has anyone, other than a ff'er insisting that she's being put down, stated anything even remotely insulting about ff'ing mothers. Formula, yes, we aren't going to sugar coat that formula has risks and is lacking ingredients and does not properly support infant health and devlopment. That, again, is not a statement about ff'ing *mothers* or the babies fed formula. It's scientific fact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:10am

"That is a generalization. Not all ff'ng mothers are militant. Personally, I have never met one ff'er who thought it was best. Most people I know who ff'ed did so after attempting to bf did not work out or they simply wanted to ff'ed. I have never heard one ff'ng mother who stated I ff'ed b/c it is best."

I never said all BFers or FFers are militant. I was implying that there is a double standard in relation to BFing--BFers are often portrayed as aggressive, militant-like women who shove BFing advice down everyone's throats. In my experiences, FFing mothers can be just as aggressive. That's all I was saying.

I also never said that FFing mothers say their way is best--it was more about the dissemination of incorrect information.

hhh


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:19am

I never stated that my view was more valid. I was just stating that it is not the same everywhere despite the other posters.

I cut, pasted and responded to the posts I thought were generalizations. Your post just confirms what I already thought....debating on this board is futile.

Avatar for hokie1999
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:06am

I did not say ALL formula feeders but I certainly encountered my fair share, most of them close co workers who felt it was fine to say how gross BFing was or how they couldn't do that (with a disgusted look on their faces). It also doesn't seem frowned upon for a FFing mom to tell a new mom that it's okay supplement, or it's fine if she wants to quit, but if a BFing mom says something like that to a mom who is thinking of quitting it is seen as judgemental and unsupportive. That is what i have seen in my experience, not what everyone has encountered. Also, I got a comment from a waittress who couldn't believe I was doing "that" at the table (very discreetly and in the sling mind you), but I think if a waittress were to say something about a mom feeding her baby a bottle and the stuff in it at a table it would seem just horrible. Maybe it is just the area I am in, but very few people here BF and those who FF are not shy about sharing how nasty they think about BFing.

Becca

ETA: for the record I FF my first and BF my next two. Interestingly I was working in the daycare with the anti BF crowd at the time my first was born but not the other two. I don't think that was coincidence. It is very hard to succeed at BFing when your friends don't support that choice.




Edited 4/9/2007 9:11 am ET by hokie1999
Avatar for mrsmichael6300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:14am

>>I cut, pasted and responded to the posts I thought were generalizations. Your post just confirms what I already thought....debating on this board is futile.<<

Yes, while failing to describe the context in which the statements you considered to be generalizations were made! Did you just skip over the many, many posts within this thread that stated that not all bf'ers/ff'ers were like XYZ? Or did you note that teh subject of this thread isn't that ff'ers are one way, bf'ers another, but instead that any effort to dispense bf'ing information in mixed company often results in the speaker being labeled "militant," "granola/hippy," "pushy," etc., but the dissemination of outdated/dangerous/downright ridiculous advice concerning ff'ing, early introduction of solids, or any other parenting practice would never earn the speaker those titles. That is the context in which all statements in this thread were made, and that's important to understanding the statements you chose to pull out and describe as generalizations. You all want to jump all over Jani when all she did was to point out super ridiculous information (i.e. bottle propping, cereal in the bottle, etc) is okay while merely stating the word "breastfeeding" results in angry stares and 100 "I couldn't bf" stories. It's great that you havent' experienced that, just wonderful...but it isn't reality for the majority of our citizens. THey experience those things you labeled as generalizations.

Why is debating here futile? Because I challenged your posts? Honestly, if you think that it's futile to debate here simply because someone didn't accept your arguments, then I have to question whether or not you're cut out for debate. The very point of debate is to challenge statments and arguments and to have your own statements challenged. If we're all just going to nod our heads in agreement, or just let everyone state their position without digging any further, *then* this debate becomes futile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 10:18am

<"Why do I hear so much about militant breastfeeders when FF moms are just as bad?">

I think this is nothing more than personality, and probably has nothing to do with the type of feeding method chosen. There are just some people who are pushy/obnoxious/insecure, and no matter what the issue, they're going to spout off on it, right or wrong. Why I think you probably hear more about militant breastfeeders is because there are far more formula feeders, as far as population, to talk about them.

Bottom line, IMO: There are people who fit the militant bill on both sides, and I personally believe they are the rare extremes. IME, I have never met one, either a breastfeeder or a formula feeder. The women/moms I know just don't get all worked up over this issue. As a breastfeeder, I've given formula coupons and samples to my formula feeding friends, and I've had formula feeders refer their friends or relatives to me when they say they're going to breastfeed. It's just not that big a deal, and I've never seen or heard of anyone carrying on like at that shower you attended. On this board, if you were a formula feeder saying that you encountered breastfeeders as rude as you describe, you would be asked whether you're SURE that they actually said those things, or whether it's really just what you THINK you heard, or your own guilt coloring your feelings. Since you are a breastfeeder, no one here would ever question the accuracy of your memory. I think that's a big part of what a few here are talking about, in terms of why this particular board is something of a joke.

FTR, I don't doubt your story or your memory. I just don't know that your experience is a good example of the majority of women in our country, as some seem to feel it is. It's such a random, emotion-based thing, I don't think there's any hard data that one could point to to say, yes, this percentage of women have encountered such-and-such a comment, KWIM?

Anyway, sorry the shower was such a bummer, and best of luck to your friend with her new little one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2001
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 10:19am
Spud! The hairs on my arms are standing up.

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