Militant formula feeder v. Militant BFer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Militant formula feeder v. Militant BFer
515
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 10:04pm

I have always lurked here because I find the breast/bottle debate interesting. I had an interesting experience at a baby shower today and thought I'd bring it here.

I exclusively BF my 3 month old son. It has not been easy or natural until the past few weeks. He had jaundice, bad doctors, we've both had thrush on and off for 2 months, dairy allergies, etc. I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant educating myself about the benefits of breastfeeding, common mistakes that new mother's make, why doctors are often incorrect when it comes to BFing...

Anyways, I was the only BFing mother at the shower today. I left my son with my mom (sleeping) and the host knew that I would have to leave as soon as he woke up (he doesn't take a bottle). I was ridiculed and made fun of by the women at the shower. They thought it was cute, I didn't. Comments were made such as, you just have that baby attached to your boob, huh? He's going to be so spoiled..what a moma's boy, blah, blah. Another mother told me that she wouldn't breastfeed because then the baby only sees you as food (ummm..what about the comfort and bonding part?!)

When the pregnant woman at the shower told me that she was interested in BFing and asked if I had any advice, etc. the other women went on and on with mistruths about BFing (how they didn't have enough milk, the baby was allergic to their milk...) I tried to divert the conversation, but I was outnumbered, so I told her to call me and we could talk then.

This is not the first experience like this that I've had. I am constantly encountering people with these attitudes. If they aren't perpetuating mistruths, they are saying things like, "boy weren't you lucky to be able to BF.." I wasn't lucky, I had a very hard time. I was PROACTIVE because he is my CHILD and I want him to have the best start possible. I don't expect a pat on the back, but don't undermine my devotion to my son.

I guess this is my issue/question: Why do I hear so much about militant breastfeeders when FF moms are just as bad? Why do I become portrayed as militant when I'm simply trying to educate a new mom about the wonderful aspects of BFing? Honestly, I don't really care what people do with their own kids, but I do think that it is important to educate new moms about the benefits of BFing.

hhh


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Avatar for tanjanika
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 10:30pm

<>

I know. Sometimes, when you're still in the thick of it it can seem like it was the sum total of your life. I sometimes have to remind myself that DS1s NICU experience and those early weeks wasn't completely unbearable, and that there were some very sweet and memorable moments to savor.

And there is *nothing* like those moments when you can just *be* with them, without all of the other burdens of life interrupting. It does feel good.

Jani

Jani

"Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense."

Avatar for tanjanika
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 10:39pm

<>

Why would it be a slight to FFing mother... unless they also happen to be bottle propers?

<>

What's rude about pointing out that bottle-propping is commonly done? Heck, manufacturers of infant goods make contraptions for bottle-propping, even. Why would they do that if there was no market for it. Why would there be official warnings against the practice if there was not target population?

I've seen plenty of people do it. There was no malice or evil mothers behind it, to my knowledge-- at least they weren't wearing the orange jumpsuits doled out at the local prisons.

That it's a frowned upon practice doesn't mean that it isn't, or is rarely done. And it's not an accusation at *all* women who FF. It's an observation made of the bottle-feeding women who have done it.

Jani

Jani

"Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 10:51pm

"Why I think you probably hear more about militant breastfeeders is because there are far more formula feeders, as far as population, to talk about them."

Exactly, and until BFing loses it's taboo status and women who are simply discussing their feeding decisions amongst their peers are not automatically portrayed as psychotic breastfeeding obsessed crazies (or maybe not even that extreme, but just weird), how are things going to change? As long as bad information is being handed out everywhere, it's going to continue. I've seen it mentioned a few times on this thread, but I'll say it again. If anyone wants to challenge the fact that there IS a double standard and that people DO perpetuate the old wives tales and misinformation of years past, just visit the EC or Playgroups. My baby is 3.5 months old and one of the oldest on my playgroup and women are already feeding cereal and juice, often on the advice of their doctor, friend, or grandma. I wouldn't DARE post that it really isn't healthy to add cereal to a bottle at this age or that maybe it would be a good idea to question old practices and even *gasp* our doctors...I would automatically have my head ripped off by some mom saying that she knows what's best, even though it is PROVEN that cereal in a bottle is unhealthy and dangerous.

"As a breastfeeder, I've given formula coupons and samples to my formula feeding friends, and I've had formula feeders refer their friends or relatives to me when they say they're going to breastfeed."

And I feel the same way. I will be entrusting my son's care to a formula feeding mom. She has been very open to learning about the differences in how FF babies and BF babies eat and is totally prepared to take care of my son. I didn't start this debate because I think that all FF moms are crazed militants who stalk new mothers and tell them that they better put some cereal in a bottle, or else...I *do* think that a lot of people tend to be more accepting of bad FF advice/discussions of the "yuckiness" of BFing as opposed to discussions related to positive aspects of BFing.

"I just don't know that your experience is a good example of the majority of women in our country, as some seem to feel it is. It's such a random, emotion-based thing, I don't think there's any hard data that one could point to to say, yes, this percentage of women have encountered such-and-such a comment, KWIM?"

I can only speak for myself and the experiences that I've had, which aren't limited to the baby shower that I discussed in my OP. On the other hand, I think that there has to be SOME reason (other than just going back to work/true physical issues with BFing)why such a small percentage of women exclusively breastfeed their babies.

hhh


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:36am

"I think you know that this is an unfair and inaccurate portrayal of the regular posters of this board.

I'd like to point out that the objection to Debbie's post was largely to her declaration that the OP'er just needed to get new friends. I would think you would also have been bothered by such a suggestion, but apparently not..."

I think I did say quite a few posters here are fair and reasonable....as far as Debbie saying the OP needed to get new friends, I seem to recall saying that she should really take a long look at the class of friends she was hanging out with, so if anything I agree.

"As for your rules: Not one of us have ever stated that bf'ing mothers are perfect and ff'ing mothers deserve to be demonized. I think we go out of our way to establish that, while formula is an inferior substance, ff'ing mothers are neither inferior nor derelect/negligent parents. "

*You*, and quite a few others, do go out of you way to make those distinctions, but not everyone does.

"Your posts are generally on-point, respectful, and well thought out, but several times in this thread you have become incredibly sarcastic and stated that bf'ers believe themselves to be on par with saints (the halo comment, your above comments). You've even gone so far as to state that you dont' want to be calle da bf'er even though you are bf'ing your little girl b'c you dont' want to be "aligned" with some of hte beliefs you've read here...that's really cutting off your nose to spite your face, isn't it?
"

I don't remember being the author of the halo comment... which post was that?

As for the rest, a lot of the desire not to be aligned with extreme beliefs *almost* deterred me from bfing in the first place...it was only my own sense of duty coupled with finding women (many of whom gather here) who support bfing *without* feeling the need to demonize ffing, that sustained my desire to try....

Ever have a particularly snarky day? FWIW, and I'm not totally going back on my thoughts on the post you're responding to - I *do* think there are a few here that are unreasonable, however I think the day I posted that I was taking care of dd and my puppy alone all day, dh out of town, and it was the first time both of them were asleep at the same time all day :) I know I was in a pretty lousey mood at that point and was not above exaggerations. Sorry to offend, if I did....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:51am

"On this board, if you were a formula feeder saying that you encountered breastfeeders as rude as you describe, you would be asked whether you're SURE that they actually said those things, or whether it's really just what you THINK you heard, or your own guilt coloring your feelings. Since you are a breastfeeder, no one here would ever question the accuracy of your memory. I think that's a big part of what a few here are talking about, in terms of why this particular board is something of a joke. "

Ooooh..now I'm jealous....I wish I had thought to point that one out :) Very true...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:24am
Not mention that a mother can pump bm and prop a bottle. My sister did ia doing it occasionally with her new twins.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:26am

Jani,

In one post you said I have not seen it personally and now you say you have seen it...although what one sees and what is generally done are two different things. I have yet to see a woman NIP however, I am sure it is done.

I will do the research, and I do say it is a slight to assume that it is common. A lot of FFs have a need to bond with their child the same as BF mothers. I had to learn how to care for my child and for the first three weeks, that is all I was focused on because it was so new and I had no idea what to do.

However, after three weeks, I stunned myself into realizing I had been taking care of her all along and maybe I could stop worrying so much. I do not think I am unique in that.

Anyway, I will get back to you on the research!

Spud...







Lilypie




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:32am

My sarcasm? Please. These threads are full of sarcastic comments and snide comebacks to every single ignorant ff'ng mother out there. Give me a break.

Confidence in my decision? My girls are 9 & 6. It has nothing to do with confidence and more to do with "it is over and done with".

What specifically do you want to know? i ff'ed my first since birth. I had a complete lack of knowledge about bf'ng. i was not at a baby friendly hospital and I was the first person I knew who had a baby. Fastforward, I hadinfertility problems. My next came along 3 years later. I knew a heck of a lot more, switched to a midwife (there are NO baby friendly hospitals in Philadelphia) and had friends who bf. I bf for 6-8 months. I pumped most of the time. I had a small stroke during the delivery and had a few hosptializations afterwards. I hated my first LC (completely useless) and finally found an LC who actually helped me. I had to pump while in the hospital and instead of like the first LC (who told me to sneak the baby in the hospital) the second LC helped me sucessfully pump. I did both for awhile (I did nurse at night) but I found pumping easier with so many doctors appointments, etc.

It has nothing to do with confidence and more to do with I did my best. Whether or not someone agrees with me, means ABSOLUTELY nothing. I do not stare at others mothers in the mall and wonder how they feed their child. I do not comment, judge or think it is my place.

I was a maternity nurse for awhile and always promoted bf'ng. I give my friends bf'ng advice when asked. I also make NO comment when they choose to ff'ed. It is not any of my business.

I think bf'ng education should me mandatory. I think eveyr hospital should be baby friendly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:35am
The fight? Post number 3 or 4 specifically stated that ff'ers "own the war". Give me break there is not a division on this board!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:37am

You didn't call the police?

I saw a 5 month old in the car alone once and called the police immediately. The mother had just ran into the store real quick but it is stupid and dangerous. I wouldn't care if the bottle was propped. I think I would be more concerned for the baby's safety.

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