Militant formula feeder v. Militant BFer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Militant formula feeder v. Militant BFer
515
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 10:04pm

I have always lurked here because I find the breast/bottle debate interesting. I had an interesting experience at a baby shower today and thought I'd bring it here.

I exclusively BF my 3 month old son. It has not been easy or natural until the past few weeks. He had jaundice, bad doctors, we've both had thrush on and off for 2 months, dairy allergies, etc. I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant educating myself about the benefits of breastfeeding, common mistakes that new mother's make, why doctors are often incorrect when it comes to BFing...

Anyways, I was the only BFing mother at the shower today. I left my son with my mom (sleeping) and the host knew that I would have to leave as soon as he woke up (he doesn't take a bottle). I was ridiculed and made fun of by the women at the shower. They thought it was cute, I didn't. Comments were made such as, you just have that baby attached to your boob, huh? He's going to be so spoiled..what a moma's boy, blah, blah. Another mother told me that she wouldn't breastfeed because then the baby only sees you as food (ummm..what about the comfort and bonding part?!)

When the pregnant woman at the shower told me that she was interested in BFing and asked if I had any advice, etc. the other women went on and on with mistruths about BFing (how they didn't have enough milk, the baby was allergic to their milk...) I tried to divert the conversation, but I was outnumbered, so I told her to call me and we could talk then.

This is not the first experience like this that I've had. I am constantly encountering people with these attitudes. If they aren't perpetuating mistruths, they are saying things like, "boy weren't you lucky to be able to BF.." I wasn't lucky, I had a very hard time. I was PROACTIVE because he is my CHILD and I want him to have the best start possible. I don't expect a pat on the back, but don't undermine my devotion to my son.

I guess this is my issue/question: Why do I hear so much about militant breastfeeders when FF moms are just as bad? Why do I become portrayed as militant when I'm simply trying to educate a new mom about the wonderful aspects of BFing? Honestly, I don't really care what people do with their own kids, but I do think that it is important to educate new moms about the benefits of BFing.

hhh


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:03pm

<<>>

So far you're the first to use the word "ignorant", just FTR.

<<>>

So does that mean you are NOT confident in your decision? I fail to see how your children's ages have anything to do with the way you feel about how you fed them as infants. You should still be able to remember the whys and wherefores of the decisions you made, and they are still important and impactful to your daughters, no matter how old they are. The way they were fed as infants will have a bearing on many aspects of their lives, even as adults. But, if "it is over and done with", as you say, then pardon me for being interested in your experiences and whatever wisdom you might have been able to impart to the rest of us. I'm sure your daughters won't care either. (See, even I can be sarcastic!).

<<>>

Why so defensive? I had a complete lack of knowledge about BF and I was not at a "baby friendly" hospital, AND I was the first person I knew who had a baby. We have a lot in common! But so what? I made it my business to become informed and educated about BF and you could have too. Your child is 9, not 19 or 29, which means BF was already "back in fashion" so to speak, and someone, somewhere would have been willing to help you learn to BF. I'm sorry if you felt discouraged, but a lot of us have.

<<>>

I'm sorry you have had so many complications. I have as well. But this is the kind of info about you that many of us would like to have, so we can understand your stance on BF vs. FF. What made you stick it out to continue BF with the second baby? Did you second-guess your FF choice with the first baby when you started to BF? The whole point of a BF vs. FF debate is to learn about the merits and drawbacks of each method, not to rail against one another endlessly on points of semantics, which is what we have been doing. Your situation is interesting and important, as are your experiences. I am glad you are finally sharing them with us!

<<>>

I disagree. It has a LOT to do with confidence. Moms who feel like they have no support for BF, or have hangups about their bodies, or don't know enough about BF to be sure that it's "working" for them and for baby will often give up. Just knowing you "did your best" is not necessarily enough to make BF work. Your choice to use formula must have had even a little tiny bit to do with a lack of confidence in BF, even if you saw it as just being uninformed and unsupported. At the time, did you really think that FF was "doing your best" for your daughter?

<<

I think bf'ng education should me mandatory. I think eveyr hospital should be baby friendly.>>>

This is really contradictory. You were a maternity nurse and you think "bf'ing education should be mandatory" and that "every hospital should be baby friendly", yet you think it's none of your business how a woman feeds her baby? How, then, do you impart your message of "mandatory BF" and "baby friendly hospitals" if you choose not to discuss it with people? I see nothing wrong with speaking about BF from a professional standpoint, even to your friends. If they don't want to hear about it, they'll certainly let you know. I really think this is why more women aren't BF. People just don't want to talk about it because they think it's none of their business. I disagree. It is our business to get the info out there and to offer ourselves as sources of support for our friends who BF, especially as a professional AND an experienced BF mom.



Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker







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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:16pm

>>My point was that when nursing mothers come on here with their personal stories about the "other side," the BFing contigent seems to just assume that the mother's account of what happened must surely be true, since it's depicting FFing mothers, or anyone whom they deem unsupportive of BFing, in a negative light. So no one questions the validity of the account. But if a FFing mother tells a personal story, it's jumped on and picked apart immediately, searching for a way to render it untrue or somehow invalid. <<

Two FF issues which have come up lately are the "bottle propping" and the "Ick factor". I quick google search will lead to various "ick" stories and products to facilitate propping.

Two BF issues which frequently come up are the "I couldn't BF because " and incidents of "militant-type" BFers. A quick google search will not yield a bunch of anti-FFing BFer's blogs. They just don't seem to exist. So questioning whether there are a bunch of people who go around harassing FFers in person, but don't express their views on line, seems reasonable to me. I do not believe many exist, if they exist at all. If they do, I suspect, they are not Lactivists, but simply rude or misunderstood people. And that's why I question the validity.

If there weren't so many people who didn't BF because of myths, the questioning would lessen. Dispelling myths is one of the great aspects of this board. A good example, I think, is "I had to give formula, because my baby had jaundice." It comes up fairly frequently. But I had to give formula because of ABO incompatibility induced jaundice, is a lot less likely to be questioned, because it's known to be a serious condition, unlike more typical types of jaundice.

Also, there have been posters who have accused others of "thinking formula is poison" and the like. Yet when questioned, they say, well no, they didn't actually say it, but I know they were thinking it. It's hard for me to take comments like that as "truth" especially because of the so-called guilt.

Any of this make any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:23pm

"Fred Basset? I love it!!!!"

Yeah..lol, but I think he's way cuter than the one in the comic strip :) Of course dh thinks we named him after the basset hound in Smokey and the Bandit (can't hurt to let him think that ;))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:27pm

Glad to hear Maggie's doing great!! She's up to Alex's birth weight now! LOL And glad to hear the Fred's buddy is back home to help occupy him, I guess Basset Hound puppies are just as psychotic as any other breed when they have extra time on their paws.

-jeanine

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:28pm

"Well, why not get the ball rolling? Challenge the OP on her statements. As it so happens, the direction the debate took allowed her statements to go unchecked. If you feel they are a dramatic interpretation of what took place, why don't you question her?"

By all means...

hhh


Avatar for mrsmichael6300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:30pm

Great to hear that Maggie's doing so well! I miss having a little one that age!

I love basset's, but darned if they aren't just a wee bit hardheaded ;).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:32pm

I don't imagine there to be much guilt about bfing, so maybe it would be insecurity about bfing that might color ones perception in a room full of ffer's? Especially a pg or new mom. I can see that happening..interpreting a dirty look when there really isn't one for example, just b/c the ffers are the majority. BUT, it is very well known that bfers are harrassed for bfing (the laws are there for a reason) and any news story on bfing is going to be extreme or shown in a negative light. Off the top of my head, there is the Supernanny episode, I have seen stories on EBF on Dr. Phil, and the recent video of really extended bfing. Has Supernanny ever done an episode about ffing? ARe there any negative protrayals of ffing in any mainstream media outlet?

Hmmm...

Debbie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:33pm

<<>>

Holy cow, you're not kidding! My parents had one when I was growing up, and he was a BAAAD seed, LOL. He continued to be like that right up until he passed away, at the age of 12! He was sweet and adorable but stubborn as all get out. :D



Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker







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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:37pm

"Anyways, I was the only BFing mother at the shower today. I left my son with my mom (sleeping) and the host knew that I would have to leave as soon as he woke up (he doesn't take a bottle). I was ridiculed and made fun of by the women at the shower. They thought it was cute, I didn't. Comments were made such as, you just have that baby attached to your boob, huh? He's going to be so spoiled..what a moma's boy, blah, blah. Another mother told me that she wouldn't breastfeed because then the baby only sees you as food (ummm..what about the comfort and bonding part?!) "

Are you sure they weren't just engaging in good-natured teasing? Was expecting to be discriminated against coloring your perception of what could have been just light-hearted ribbing? You said yourself they 'thought it was cute'...maybe they honestly didn't meant to insult you and you were jsut being overly sensitive...

"When the pregnant woman at the shower told me that she was interested in BFing and asked if I had any advice, etc. the other women went on and on with mistruths about BFing (how they didn't have enough milk, the baby was allergic to their milk...) I tried to divert the conversation, but I was outnumbered, so I told her to call me and we could talk then."

If these women had all these 'mistruths', I assume they actually believed them....Did you consider their intentions at all? Did it occur to you that they might just have been telling their tale (without knowing they were spreading 'mistruths') in an attempt to prevent their friend from going through what were probably bad experiences for them, therefore, they had good intentions...Why did you take their believing these mistruths as a personal attack? Did they ever once tell you that you weren't a good mother, or that your baby was starving, or anything that would suggest that they think you are somehow mistreating your child? In fact, by telling you they even attempted bfing, doesn't that suggest that they don't view it as 'icky' or wrong in any way...maybe they really wanted to bf, they just didn't have good info and subsequently failed.

"I am constantly encountering people with these attitudes."

Define constantly.

"Why do I become portrayed as militant when I'm simply trying to educate a new mom about the wonderful aspects of BFing? "

How *exactly* did they "portray" you as "militant"? What specifically did any of them say that caused you to believe they viewed you as such?

Ok maybe this will satisfy CyberSteph ;)

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Avatar for mrsmichael6300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 2:38pm

>>And glad to hear the Fred's buddy is back home to help occupy him, I guess Basset Hound puppies are just as psychotic as any other breed when they have extra time on their paws<<

Amen to this, Jeanine! When I work with new pet owners (I work with German shepherd rescues) I always, always, always make it clear that a puppy is a puppy is a puppy, no matter what breed s/he is! And a puppy is absolutley no different than a human baby time, attention, and even needs-wise (and discipline-wise, for that matter). And a tired puppy = a good puppy lol. Besides...bored adult doggies get into lots and lots o'trouble, too, which is why so many of them end up in shelters/rescues :(.

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