Am I unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Am I unreasonable?
140
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 3:51am
So this kind of scenario happens often where I live. I will be out somewhere in public and some random stranger, nearly always male, will say hello or otherwise attempt to engage me in conversation. I will respond minimally, if at all, and nine times out of ten the person who spoke to me berates me for being rude.

I think they are the one who was being rude by trying to engage me in conversation when it was completely uninvited and unprovoked. I think it's rude to do so with the expectation of full reciprocation. I think if you are going to randomly try to chat up strangers you should be able to accept that they may not always WANT to talk to you, and may not appreciate feeling forced to. I am not an outgoing person. I especially do not feel comfortable around men having been a victim of rape and sexual assault several times. It takes a lot for me to trust people, and being addressed by a stranger feels like an invasion of my personal space and is frankly kind of scary. I once had a guy follow me off a bus and for several blocks, yelling at me for not responding to him. (I had headphones on, but I didn't want to talk to him anyway.)

One might say, well how hard is it to just say hi back? Well, sometimes when you do they take it as an invitation to engage you further, and I have no desire to encourage that. To turn it around, how hard is it to leave someone alone if they obviously don't want to talk to you? It really makes me not want to ever leave the house.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 6:25pm
I've had the full battery of psychological testing. They actually found that I read facial expressions and body language very well. I'm not blunt at all. If anything I am overly tactful. I've looked at the full list of symptoms for Aspergers and none of them are me at all.

I have had painful social anxiety since birth, and though I've made a lot of progress with it, being raped has set me back in a lot of ways. I have other things "wrong" with me as well, but nothing that really pertains much to this particular issue. Social anxiety is a real diagnosis and it can be debilitating. There are things you can learn to help you get through life easier but I don't know if those initial feelings of panic ever really go away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2011
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 5:04pm

Hey Lovie..

 I live on Long Island so I understand what you mean. when you are in th ecity and just walking around and all esp when everyone is going back and forth to work or just moving. You are right  you are just not going tio strike up a converstaion with just anyone. But if you are unsure of where you are and need idrections. Usually someone is willing to help.

As far as stores and other stuff. Yeah sometimes you dio strike up a conversation with the person standing in line next to you. I see people who  will let someone  with small kids or only one item go ahead of them.

But with other cities and all I don't have experience to say one state is better than another.

Asfar as age of aquarius is concern.I am sure age I really think you need to take a few test with your counselor or even a pyshchiatrist to determine if you are eith on the Spectrum  or suffering from PTSD. I think you feel like you not on the Spectrum because you know a couple of people who are and you are nto like them. But trust me no 2 aspies are alike. Some do make eye contact some don't. Some have a very flat way of talking others don't. Many times women on the Spectrum show things differently then men. With girls it is okay to be shy and quiet And girls can "fake it" better then boys/guys. Good luck to you on that

I know sometimes for me although never been tested or places. I do have Aspie tedencies. Sometimes reading other people can be very hard for me. Sometimes I rad things in to literally and take to much to heart. And just like a little kid some times I have been known to say just the darndest things and can be a litttle to blunt or forward in the things I say.That being said. I wonder where I would be at if someone had tested me over 40 years ago..lol 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2001
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 1:40pm

I was surprised to read about the "Seattle Freeze" when I Googled Seattle.  Apparently there is a somewhat common feeling of people being very resistent to socializing with people they don't know very well.

Funny because I live in a suburb of NYC, which I thought was supposed to be so cold and unfriendly, but that is really not the case.  I mean, you're not going to walk down 5th Avenue and have everyone chatting, and no one makes eye contact on the bus or train, but in a store, at a park, museum, etc, there is plenty of friendly chit chat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 1:13pm
Not liking direct eye contact from every stranger you come across does not automatically make you "self-obsessed and self-absorbed". Just because an area has different cultural norms and expectations does not make it wrong. My experience has been that people here will immediately help others who need it. There's a difference between that and unecessary chit chat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 11:16am
Keep at it girl. All the best with your recovery
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 11:13am

I agree Jam.. I assume Seattle is very similar to Vancouver, since they share the same "west coast,water-to-ski environment". I spent many a long weekend driving to Seattle; isn't far.

I know people who just love living on the west coast, who find the people friendly and not "cold" and would not live anywhere else. I now live in a small city, not far from two huge urban areas. One has close to 7 million people. That place is wall-to-wall cars, crowds downtown shopping etc.. Driving there is a treat. Some people hate it. Some people would not live anywhere else. It is what you make it.

And, like you wrote, a smile goes a long way.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 9:50am
Oh dear. I cannot imagine the narcissism that's involved in the "how dare other people even look at me" attitude. What a bunch of self-involved, self-absorbed, smug wankers there must be there. Let's hope no one ever falls in the street and needs a helping hand to get up. I can't imagine the stress that would be involved in actually being called upon to touch a fellow human being.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 1:20am
Yeah, my point in posting that quote is because it's a fairly common view by people who moved here from other areas. Maybe one difference is that many people who are from here, or have lived here a long time, actually acknowledge that it's somewhat true. It's not uncommon for Seattle natives to say that they really dislike being talked to, or even looked at, by strangers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 11:20pm
LOL! I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 10:55pm

<<<<"Seattle is a city of narcissistic, superficial people who are only in love with one person: themselves. So, there's no room for anyone else in that relationship. Came here from Michigan four years ago and I cannot WAIT to move back to where people actually acknowledge the existence of others......................>>>>

 

Really? Sorry but I have seen the same comments on EVERY city I have ever lived in or spent extended periods of time visiting. Replace "Seattle" with New Your or LA or Toronto or London....

It is a generalization.

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