questioning parents during times of tragedy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
questioning parents during times of tragedy
Mon, 07-23-2012 - 6:44pm

Sorry, I have to just go on a little bit of a rant here.

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the tragedy that befell Aurora, Colorado at the movie theatre. Sad, sickening, revolting. Yet you know what I keep reading online? People questioning the judgement of the parents for taking little kids and babies to a late showing movie. Really?

I was incensed that people would look at this tragedy and begin pointing fingers at anyone but the shooter. What good does it do to question the parenting practices of those in the theater – the victims? It is akin to wondering why a rape victim was dressed scantily at a bar. It is disgusting.

There are people out there who abuse, neglect, and torture children. We're really taking THIS time of tragedy to pass judgement on something so benign? Really?? Like this couldn't have happened just as easily during the day?

How about the millions of other questions we should be asking? About gun control, security in public places, mental health evaluations, etc?

This just makes me very angry. I feel HEARTBROKEN for anyone who lost someone there, regardless of age. It's tragedies like this that makes me wish I hadn't brought kids into this messed up world to begin with!

Awhile back, I posted an article about a local, teenaged girl who was killed by her ex boyfriend. Her father is someone I've known for a long time. Basically, they had sex under a local bridge and that's when he killed her. His reasoning was because "she was doing drugs and I didn't like the changes in her". There have been comments in the local paper along the lines of "where were this girl's parents? She was doing drugs and having sex under bridges?" And let me tell you....she had wonderful, loving, parents who simply adored her. She was a bit wild, perhaps, but it's nothing that her parents did wrong.

Man, things like this just make me so damn angry!



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006

<<<The comments have nothing to do with criticism of children in public. Many of those commenting are parents too. People are just trying to find some way to protect their children and themselves from these unforeseen tragedies, to make them feel less powerless. It is human nature>>>

I agree, I'm beginning to see that. It's like when the news says the people who died in the car crash weren't wearing seatbelts. It's just a way to distance yourself from the chance it could happen to you.

The sad, scary truth is that this world is a horrible place, no matter who you are. Where you live. Or what you do.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 10:39am

The movie is rated PG13 or Parental Guidance for those under 13. That is not a movie for kids. Parents are advised to use their discretion because of the amount of violence in the movie etc..

People are commenting that not only were children under 13 at this movie but that the movie was shown late at night. However, commenting on what other people may judge as poor parental choices does not mean that people are not sadden for those parents, do not grieve for those parents and have not make similar choices themselves.

The comments have nothing to do with criticism of children in public. Many of those commenting are parents too. People are just trying to find some way to protect their children and themselves from these unforeseen tragedies, to make them feel less powerless. It is human nature.

They went to a movie and tragedy struck. Enough said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
We probably should start another thread to discuss the propriety of taking kids in public and where and when...this has nothing to do with shooters, because who is expecting a massacre when you take your kids out in public? I would maybe choose to keep my kids up for some kind of once-in-lifetime event, like maybe live coverage for a manned landing on Mars or something. But a movie that will be playing the next day, and the day after, and the day after? No. I took them to Harry Potter Release Parties when they were about ten though, so who am I to talk?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011

I've been reading that many people don't think children should have been in a movie theater.

The fact is, children go to movie theaters all the time and Batman is basically a kid's movie. It is not surprising that children aged 6 or so, would be in the movie theater.

Many people these days don't have kids, and think nobody should be allowed to take their child out in public.  That is part of the problem.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 4:55pm

That's nice you stand firm and hold an opinion about mental illness, You should.  But there's room for doubt hence debate

Of course there is, when one understands what the other one is talking about. lol ... I am not even sure what you doubt. Seriously, I don't even understand your last post ... anxiety symptoms aren't the same?? Who said they were ... I just don't get it. You seem to be saying they aren't the same, but in this last post, you are saying they are the same or fall under the same umbrella .... Jams, anxiety and adhd are not the same thing.

What symptoms do you think overlap?

I am still not sure what you think overlaps or what you think intertwines.

Many symptoms are the same, that is why dx can be very difficult and why many people are misdiagnosed. Have you ever looked at the criteria for many "garden variety" mental illness? I think you will find much similarity.

If you are talking about adhd vs anxiety, well, many children with adhd demonstrate exaggerated fears. It's actually pretty important to figure out if the anxiety stems from an anxiety disorder or adhd or the child has both adhd and anxiety. The therapy for both might overlap, but often are very different. However, if you give an adhd child a stimulant who also has an anxiety disorder, well .. the combination is explosive and counterproductive.

OTOH, a child with adhd often has anxiety because they cannot filter through or process their thoughts properly. This does not mean they have an anxiety disorder.

So, no, I totally disagree that help can be a like. If you treat someone with adhd as if they were anxious or depressed, it is not going to help their adhd symptoms. It may even suppress them. And vice versa. If you treat someone with primary adhd, that has an anxiety disorder, that us not going to be of much help either. They may become more organized, but their anxiety isn't going to go away.

And once again, to bring this back to the topic or your comments on this thread, even if someone was under the care of a therapist ... as I said, things can still be murky. Therapy isn't a once size fits all thing. Proper dx is extremely important.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 8:48am

Well, forgive me for adding my own thoughts to the discussion. Forgive me for saying you made a good point. :smileyhappy:

And the doctor that treated my child for SM, for example also treats ADD, depression, others too..  It all does overlap.

Sorry, what are you talking about then? What overlaps? lol ... the symptoms overlap, right? btw, I am not talking about your child .. just in general terms. I didn't realize the thread was about your child.

I wasn't talking symptoms, I was talking about help.

ok Jams ... this is what you said: When I got specifics about it I was surprised it fell under the same umbrella as anxieties like ADD/HD and you know what, all of it is intertwined.

Again, what do you mean by "it" other then the symptoms of the disorders? Or are you seriously saying "help" intertwines?

Not all people with adhd suffer from anxiety ... what is your point?

ETA many anxiety symptoms are NOT alike.

Who said they were? Apparently you don't understand the issue. (and what is ETA? Do you know how many abbreviations there are for ETA??) The statement doesn't even make sense .... symptoms for anxiety are not alike? Of course not, if they were, there would be one symptom.

lol ... Some just want to argue ... I stand firm in saying metal illness can often times be hard to diagnosis because "symptoms" intertwine. Is there something in that statement you find isn't factual? Please make it clear what you are disputing because I actually thought we were agreeing.

And considering you previously pointed out the man in the OT was under care and care is so easy to find, I was simply pointing out,  that even under care, things can be very murky. And one area is, yes, this overlap of symptoms and treatments.

And the other is, treating the wrong primary condition can be counterproductive.

This wasn't about what meds do either.

Who said you were ... lol ... you're not talking about symptoms ... you are talking about help? But, in your minds, meds aren't part of the help or treatment? lol ... either way Jams, determining if someone is primarily adhd or if anxiety is the primary condition, both effects the "help" one receives. And sometimes, the help for one can combat the help for the other.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 7:23am

See, that makes me sad and angry. A parent should be a bridge between the therapist and the child in helping the therapist understand what is going on with the child.

It also makes me angry when a therapist assumes she knows a child better then the parent when their time together is so limited.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 7:01am

When I got specifics about it I was suprised it fell under the same umbrella as anxieties like ADD/HD and you know what, all of it is intertwined.

Well Jams, I think you bring in another good point. The symptoms of mental illness are often intertwined. That is what makes it so difficult to get a proper dx. However, if misdiagnosed, say with primary adhd, rather then primary anxiety, the meds given for adhd can exaggerate the anxiety, making the person far worse off then without meds.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2001
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 6:45pm
mappers wrote:

Whomever said "There is help out there" , doesn't seem to have much experience with the mental health community.

I have to agree.

My DH. who is mature, and was at the time he was diagnosed as suffering from anxiety and depression, was ONLY able to get on a list to see a psychiatrist without a six-month wait by committing himself to s psych ward in a nearby hospital (there were only two in the entire 9-county area at the time and I believe one has closed down thanks to being bought out by a for-profit hospital chain --- but don't get me on the for profit soapbox, please) and that, only after he publically threatened suicide to a psychologist supplied by the company (he had already attempted once which was why we were repatriated from Saudi Arabia only days earlier). Our county has a well-developed county-supplied service (you pay what you can afford) for all things mental health, from addiction to actual mental diseases, but he couldn't get into that program without those several weeks in the psych ward and a referral from that staff.

He now sees his psychiatrist through that county program, once every six months, is on medication and is stable but I dread to think what might have happened if he hadn't made that threat in front of medical personnel --- as he did NOT think he needed to be committed (in fact, he demies he tried to jump out of a moving car on a freeway soon after, as we were heading to the hoispital, and actually tried to back out once at the admittance desk of the hospital).

I agree, that mental ward was frightening and overcrowded as well, so he was lucky they even had a bed for him!

The provision of mental health care in this country is sad to say the least --- too few psychiatrists, too little in-patient care (let alone outpatient care) and absolutely no guarantees that, even if the patient admits to needing help that he or she can get it. As I said, we were lucky he made his threat in front of medical personnel, that there was a ward bed available, and that our insurance covers his care (with co-pay but, at least, given the ability to pay clause from the county, that is not exorbitant).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2001
I would guess that the availability of quality mental health varies by region. Also, the ER can only do so much, but a therapist or a psychologist or social worker can take a comprehensive family history and interview the child in a way that would enable an appropriate diagnosis. One of my sons was diagnosed with bipolar when he was 9 years old. I don't know where we'd be if he'd gone untreated for the past 6 years. He'd probably have attempted suicide since he had suicidal ideation beginning at age 6.

Fortunately, my health insurance reimbursed us for 70% of his treatment. It still forced us to charge our groceries and other necessities, but many people get nothing for mental health coverage. There was a law passed called the mental health parity act that sounded like it would require insurance to cover mental illness just like any other illness, but I think it ended up only applying to people with government sponsored insurance.

Don't know what the new healthcare bill has to say about mental care, but I'm hoping OT opens the door so that people can get help for these devastating conditions.