1st time mom can't afford to be SAHM

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
1st time mom can't afford to be SAHM
42
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 6:49pm
Congrats to me! I will be graduating from pharmacy school and have been offered a job at a local hospital that pays very well. And also on the upside I'm pregnant with our first child. Both DH and I couldn't be happier. The hospital I'll be working for knows that I'm expecting and they don't have a problem with that. In fact, they're very pro-family and my health insurance through them will cover all care that I need and I can deliver there! Here's the downside to it all....

DH wants me to quit work and raise baby until he/she is old enough to go to school. Then I can go back to work part-time. Part-time being when the child is in school, no sitters or daycare. I'm more than willing to take maternity leave and breastfeed but I literally can't afford to take off for 5 years to raise our child. Pharmacy school isn't cheap and I have several student loans to pay off. My husband is an OTR truck driver and while he makes good money it won't begin to compare with what I'll be making. He wouldn't be able to pay all the household bills AND pay the minimum due on my student loans.

I'll freely admit that it's taken me a while to finish my education. And frankly, I don't want to put on hold what I've worked so hard to achieve! 8 long, hard years of study to be given up for 5 so I can go back to school to refresh my memory and catch-up on new drugs and rack up more loans and THEN only be there part time? I can't see myself doing that. I've spent in 8 years almost half of what it costs to raise a child to 18 years old. And I have to pay it all back.

I suppose I sound really selfish for wanting both. But being a pharmacist has been a lifelong dream of mine and don't want to give it up. If I become a SAHM it will make DH happy. But I'm afraid that I will become resentful of him and the new baby. Resentful of him because he gets to have his dream job and I had to give up mine because I'm the mommy. And resentful of the baby because he/she is the reason why I wouldn't be working. But if I go back to work it upsets the DH because he believes that nothing good comes of having someone else watch your child.

I'm so frustrated and upset! If I thought we could afford it I would take a year but we can't! And I can't seem to make him understand that. Any advice would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 7:13pm
Is this not something you discussed, in depth, with your husband prior to marriage, or even prior to making a child? That is a HUGE mistake in my book, as it leads to situations like this. That was one of the initial conversations I had with anyone I dated, as it was a sticking point with me that my children should have a SAHP.

That said, he has no right to force anything on you. If he cannot make the bills and the minimum payment on your loans by himself, SHOW him that. However, add up the numbers with YOU working, and HIM SAH. Does your income allow you to pay all the bills AND cover the school loans? If so, make him the offer that HE can SAH if he wants someone AH with the child.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 7:30pm
what she said!! LOL
Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 8:17pm
Why can't he SAH?

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 9:12pm
I really don't know what you can do now...it really was something that should've been discussed way before you got pregnant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:24pm
I third that. -Deb

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:31pm
A couple of things:

First whatever you do try not to let your frustration take away from the amazing experience of being a mother. Your little one had nothing to do with this "arrangement" your husband had in mind. Once you have your baby, soak up every minute of this special time. If you regret anything, it will be letting your frustration with your husband and job situation take away from the joy of being a mother. You will find a way to make your career work. However, you can't go back and recapture the bliss and magic that happens when you're fully enthralled with your baby. Actually, I'm sure you won't. Once you hold your baby for the first time, you'll know exactly what I mean.

Second, your husband has to be reasonable and understand his salary alone is not enough to cover your loans and other expenses. He should be grateful you have a career that is dependable and from what I hear pretty darn secure in today's crazy economy (well done :) Let him know what an asset you are to the family. If you have friends with children in daycare have them share with your husband their feelings and experiences with daycare. It might help him feel better about the whole thing.

Third, if you work for a family-friendly place like you say maybe you could arrange hours to where your baby won't need daycare. Or you could go part-time and between flexible, part-time hours and your husband doing his share of parenting you'll have more income, plus you won't require daycare.

Fourth, don't many hospitals have onsite daycare for the employees? If so, your husband should find some comfort in knowing you would be onsite as well.

And finally, many health insurance plans also include some form of counseling services. It might help to discuss this with an objective third party. It might bring a sense of clarity and help diffuse any negative emotions.

Best wishes. Keep us posted.

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:49pm
Ok, here it is.

Although I stopped before going to law school. I have defered my law school enrollment for three years now. My husband said, well when are we going to have a family, a house etc. Well, I was pretty upset, but agreed with him. I did not want to be childless, and I was 33. And I don't regret a minute of it!

So, for the last few months we have been fighting and fighting and fighting over me going to law school. It is very exspensive and alot of time. We have a 6 month old boy now. Over the past few days, I have been really thinking and thinking and thinking. This is my last deferment. And, yes it is not always easy, but I had to look at what was more important to me..law school or my baby, well, that was a no brainer.

We, I finally decided.....It is not important to me right now, my son is! I am not ready to take on the stressful lifestyle and debt. And, I want to enjoy my husband my baby and stay married. I am fortunate that I have been home for 6 month. But, we cut back..big time. I would never be able to replace this wonderful time with my son, never! The school will be standing later on if I decide.

When one is married it is not about "me" anymore, especially with a child. Go to Barnes & Noble and pick up..Ten Stupid Things Couples Do To Ruin their Relationship. By Dr. Laura S. I can't spell her last name. Very good book, and makes you raise an eyebrow.

If you can afford to work part time then do it. One you see your baby you might change.

Cut back on cars, credit cards, dinner out etc, you will be surprised.

With this all being said, this is my opinion and my life, you have to do what you feel is right.


Good luck

Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 7:11am
While I was in college, I actually started the pre-Pharmacy program, and worked as a pharmacy tech. for two semesters in a retail pharmacy. I recall speaking with lots of pharmacists at the time, asking them what they loved about their job.

The answer I remember that I got most was that the mothers I asked told me that they thought it was the perfect job to have children with. I don't know how scheduling works where you are at, but I specifically recall the Uni. Hospital had something like 18 -24 hour shift options, and one mother I spoke with said she worked the weekend, straight through (I believe the hospital had a back room for sleep) - and had M-F off work. I don't know if this is typical or not, but if you search long enough you may find jobs like that may exsist in your field.

Good Luck!

Avatar for mrs_braindr
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 10:38am
This could not have been written any better. I totally agree with the advice twoninas has given you. Especially the one about seeking counseling. Many people look down on those who need professional counseling or therapy, but it is a wonderful thing if delivered by a well trained professional. (S)he will not be give you answers to solve your problems, but will give you tools to communicate better and resolve your own disagreements together in a respectful and positive manner.

Also, CONGRATULATIONS on this most wonderful of gifts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 10:49am
Hello!

I just have a couple thoughts. First, maybe sence the company you work for is so pro-family, you might beable to work part time after maternaty leave? What about finding something to do from home during maternty leave so when it's over, you won't suffer financially? I can understand your husband not wanting strangers watching your children,mine feels the same way- as do I. So after being a stay at home mom for 5 years and having the income just too tight, I decided to try the work at home thing. Fortunatly it has worked out so good! I'm helping with the income and staying home.

I wish you luck! Do what the heart says- remember- your children are only young once!

Amie

julc4923@rogers.com

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