Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 10:51pm
I've been the reading here about 5 wks and I've seen Lauren's name as a regular. I checked out a few archives, Lauren's name is there.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 1:08am
Why would you assume anything other than there isn't a need for him to find immediate employment, so he has the luxury of taking the time to find a job that's a good fit?

What is it with you and this "all people without jobs must take whatever comes along so they will be 'gainfully employed'" crap?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 4:42am
Wow, things must be very different over there. Three years ago (before the IT bust really hit Australian dotcoms) I was employed as an IT professional, working on design, community and marketing, and I got $26 AU per hour, which translates to about $18US per hour (on a contract basis.) I don't think things were as excessive over here, which might be why the bust was delayed somewhat. If you'd *owned* the dotcom you could have made the sort of salaries you are talking about, but not being one of the work team.

pax

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 5:09am
Darien is also $80/day....and we ARE always hurting for subs -- some times during the year are worse than others though...It is quite possible for a sub to work almost the entire year straight through. Especially given the fact that we're a middle school with a staff of over 100 in our building alone...The district has, i think, over 1,000 teacher, i imagine there are enough absent on any given day to keep a substitute mighty busy.

I haven't followed this whole thread, but the part about a substitute being able to work just about every day is absolutely true.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 5:18am
Actually, I think her figures are pretty accurate. The metro-north commuter train costs almost $300 per month. Feel free to check their website.

Parking in a lot in the city can easily be $40 per day if you drive your car. Of course, you also need to figure in tolls, too.

I drive 35 miles to work each day and back....and spend almost $40/week in gas....when gas was almost $2.00 and i was driving my van, it was costing me $60 or more per week -- just in gas. Oh, and I have no tolls and certainly no parking fee, LOL!

Her figures for the tri-state area are quite in the ballpark. I'm not sure WHY that's causing such a laughing fit. I've lived here a long time.

Eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 5:25am
Actually, judging by the amount of people that commute to the city via car (gee, is it enough for ME to know what that traffic is like since i SIT in it every day???) and those metro-north trains that are all filled, it's hard to imagine that there aren't people who indeed work there and have decided that the trade-off are worth it for THEM.

So, it wasn't worth it to you or your family member - THAT's supposed to mean it's not worth it for anybody? Oh, and FWIW, i'm sure a LARGE chunck of the commuters (BTW, if you need "proof" of this just listen to the radio traffic reports every morning, LOL!) make WAY more than $40/hour....Again, they'd need to at least off-set and go beyond their commuting costs to make it worth it for THEM.

I KNOW this because I LIVE it....and live in the next county over from Fairfield County.

Eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 9:06am
i'm pretty sure the recent figures have been less than 50%--though that was at an unemployment rate of approximately half the current rate, so i'd expect a rebound of this percentage in the coming years.

one of the things that stumps me about these lines of reasoning, though, is why people presume that jobs that are desirable to the uninitiated, untrained, and uninvolved are not also desirable to people already in the field. usually it's more generally sahps talking about how they are going to re-enter the workforce after a break and get a well-paying, flexible job that suits their children's school schedules--as if no one who has continued to work would be interested in the same thing, and as if no employer would rather hire someone who is current and credentialed than someone who is not. here, there is an insistance that it is not only likely but downright probable that someone with no teaching credentials, within easy reach of a teacher training program, can pick and choose and still work fairly constantly.

i'm not happy with how several posters, you included, keep steering the topic to this one poster's specific circumstances, but i do think it is good and damn well reasonable to say that especially in this economy, anyone without credentials and within easy reach of a teacher training program and no particular ties to a sub-assignment administrator is unlikely to pretty much constantly have her pick of sub assignments. such a person would be competing with credentialed teachers who have taken time off or scaled back to accommodate their childcare needs, with credentialed teachers who due to relocation or lay-offs are underemployed, with students in the teacher training program (who most often return to their hometown or stay near their college for at least the first few years after graduation), and with all the other "mommies" who see subbing as a good source of pin money. if we were talking about a rural or a low-performing inner city district i'd not bat an eye, and, in fact, if there weren't student teachers in the school or even a college or university within 100 miles, i'd be less incredulous, but, with all these factors converged, i have to say that such a thing would be *unlikely*. few posters, again you included, are offering any reasoning to the contrary--unless one counts "are you calling her a liar?" as a logical retort to any of the generalizations i've just once again laid out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 9:36am
Whose figures? trip59's? No argument there.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 9:38am
Yes of course a lot of people do it. I've heard the wait times on the traffic report for the tunnels and bridges into NYC in the mornings. It can still be too expensive to be worth it for some. And the time out of the house is definitely an issue if you are a parent. Commuting from NJ can take up to 2+ hours.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 10:15am
<>

Well, now that depends. How well are you liked around here? Lm2b explained yesterday, for clw, that people who are not liked have to go to extreme lengths in order to avoid having their posts misnterpreted. Maybe you just need to go to more extreme lengths to clarify yourself.

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