Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:37am
Well, sure, they are lacking the tact, courtesy, grace and manners, befitting a trailer park environment. But regardless of whose brand of tact, courtesy, grace and manners they happen to be lacking, they can still be 100% right, correct, accurate and dead bang on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:38am
You just insulted people living in housing projects.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:42am
Oh I thought it was when someone from NJ started spouting NJ numbers, and the OP, not having yet researched NYC suburbs, had no correction ready, and just let the board write her story for awhile. She posted what sounded like a real estate add yesterday. I think she decided, after some research, that her scenario would fit better in CT.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:49am
$400 may be expensive to some and not to others. It may be doable by some, not by others. I don't think this is an universal answer, it applies to one's own bank account if that is expensive or acceptable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:59am
<<1) As my cousin has been subbing full-time for several years now, I know that in some states you can do that without a teaching certificate. >>

And of course, you can do it with no experience, the minute you matierialize on the job market, at your choice of only two schools, because you have a Bachelors. Please keep up with the facts.

<<2) In some states, you must have a master's degree to be hired as a teacher. I don't know where you live, but in some states, they actually care that their teachers know what they're doing and that they are high quality. >>

Not in hers. Keep up. She needs a teachers cert. See above, not sure what they care about where she is, as far a quality of teacher goes. But if in some states, they want a teacher to have masters instead of actual education in the art of teaching, they aren't too intersted in people who are of high quality and know what they are doing.

<<3) Their mortgage is $215,000. Their home is now valued at $1,000,000. In the metro NY area, housing prices have been rising as fast as anywhere (I know since my parents bought a home 8 years ago for less than $150K that is now worth over $500K). Their house was $215K when they bought it. That's perfectly doable on a $200K/year income. >>

Keep up. The OP bought a $400,000 dollar home on $200,000/yr. Oh, and have these people you knwo also managed, on $200,000/yr with their mortgage, to have their retirement all saved up, their kids educations all paid for, and investments of such proportion that fps who implement "wealth" criteria will actually see them? Please, try to keep up.

<<4) Learn simple concepts about real estate. Please. Understand that homes appreciate in value over time. Especially over 11 years in that area in this type of housing market. >>

Yes I know about housing markets, hence my long discussion of where mine was 10 yrs ago, 5 yrs ago, and now. Along with my dissertation on the relative property values in NYC suburbs and my suburbs. I also realize, rich people don't change their idea of where rich people live, just because middle class burbs get more expensive. Keep up.

<<5) Yeah, no one else fell into that trap. Obviously she deserves your ire. >>

Anyone who loses a job and refuses to bother to look for a replacement, but throws their hands up and cries "its too harrrrrrdd" deserves my ire.

<<6) There is not going to be a happy family life with this kind of relationship no matter how many days a week she works or doesn't work. They need some counseling to get their marriage back on track. >>

What kind of relationship? The one where the husband thinks they need her income, and the wife thinks they don't? The inconsistencies in her story kind of support his position, I'm afraid. Thats the best I can do to turn this into a "real" story. Or well. He could be funnelling money off to a *special* account for - you know. Or he could just be planning to divorce her, and wanting her to maintain her ability to earn a living. She hasn't yet bothered to indicate what the extra $1500/month she wants him to pick up now, represents as his downside. Wait for it, she'll tell us now.

<>

It really doesn't matter, does it? He's not her fairy godmother. If he doesn't want to pay for her car, I guess he doesn't have to. My guess is though, that he has some pretty realistic financial concerns. He pays for the rest of her life as it is. She might have to forgoe the summer job, and just go get a real job to replace the income she lost, whether she wants to, or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:06pm
I dodn't work for a dot com. Do you know what IT is? Its alot like accounting. You can work in the accounting industry, for a big consulting company, or a small accouing office, that does purely accounting. Or, you could work in just about any industry you choose that does just about anything you can imagine.

My friend worked for a dot com, in IT, as their security officer. In Canada. For one year. Before the bust. He made $1million dollars that year. His salary was $100,000/yr. The rest was in bonuses, stocks and of course, severance. The owners were multi millionairs.


Avatar for biancamami
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:12pm
You're right...I was trying show how that statement was offensive by showing another offensive statemnt. I don't believe in judging people by where they live. Especially since many of my dear friends and relatives live in housing projects, for example. When she used the term "trailer park" I thought it would be offensive to those who might live there.

I edited my post to take out the H.P. reference.

Ana
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:18pm
<>

The district? No she's limitted herself to two particular schools, and only if the schedules match her children's school day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:28pm
Well, in most school districts in the US, you need a teaching certification to get hired, simply because they have so many applicants who are certified, they would never need to dip into the uncertified pool. The exception would be the urban systems, where they sometimes get to the point where any warm body will do. There are programs where people with a BA or BS in anything can teach for 3 to 5 years and earn certification at the same time. There are things like "Teach for America", where any college graduate can teach for 3 to 5 years and get student loans paid off or forgiven. What generally happens to these people? The first group gets the certificate, then takes off for greener pastures, usually a suburban school system. The second group gets the loans paid off, then goes off to pursue another career. But, really, these programs are almost exclusive to underfunded, inner-city, urban systems.

Most school systems, when looking at two inexperienced candidates, one with a BA or BS, and another with an MA or MS, will hire the BA/BS since they have to pay the person with the MA/MS more. The more experience involved, the less this difference in education means. Most teachers' colleges tell students to wait until they've secured a job before going for a master's degree. If they are too costly to hire, they might price themselves out of a teaching job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:29pm
It started out as a generic "NYC suburb", then some posters from NJ took it from there. The CT thing came in much later.

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