Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 8:01am
Because Real Estate is the best investment of course. What, you're going to tell me he put it in the bank or bought stock? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 11:53am
Actually, even the thought of you as a troll is as ludicrous a statement as there is....However, it had me falling off my chair while LMAO!!!!

Lauren a troll????? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 8:41pm
Hmmmm....175K is a pretty good salary. But is it possible that your husband just wants more and more and more? Is he materialistic? I could understand him wanting you to work if he only made 50K or less.

A lot of men these days want a woman who will bear 2 or 3 children, do most of the childcare responsibilities - AND pull in a 100K per year salary. Well they will be sorely disappointed to find that there are very few women who really want to do both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
Sun, 05-25-2003 - 11:36am
You probably have a really nice car with a big payment. If that is the big point of contention, why not sell it and get a used car you can pay off with the money you have (or get a very small payment on)? I would rather have an older car and more peace of mind if it were me.

Good luck!

Avatar for lifelike
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 11:15am
"pays for the rest of her life"?!!!

Hang on a second -- aren't these people MARRIED to one another? I do not understand how/why people get married and then still keep everything "working" as though they are not. You pay this bill, I pay that bill... ridiculous. The moment this woman lost her job, they should have sat down TOGETHER to figure out what they needed to do to keep things sane. They need to do that NOW. It's never too late... unless this husband is simply a complete jerk and she should just leave him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 11:27am
Stop being a doormat! This doesn't sound like a very postive relationship, if your husband is willing I would suggest counseling pronto! You should have the opportunity and freedom especially in your marriage to follow your dreams. If your not. I would re-think the situation. I have some suggested reading, book or Audio tape called "Excuse me Your life is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn. We were put on this earth to enjoy life not to make some else's life more enjoyable. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 2:29pm
why do you say he pays "your" car payment? if you are a family all your bills are yours together. if he makes that much money, why would you need to work? the things you do at home also contribute to the family. also, if you were to get a "summer" job, who would watch the kids? i would think a good chunk of your earnings would go for child care--or does he think 10 and 12 are old enough to stay home? i think he is unreasonable. i work full-time because my husband is disabled---not fun, but a necessity. anyway, i think you are being reasonable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 3:19pm
Just a thought, but our car is ours. He drives it when we go together places or he drives it when he goes places besides work. But my husband always refers to our car as "your" car or to my ds as "Mommy's car" because I'm the primary driver of the car, I drive it every day, I drive it everywhere I go (w/the exception of the occasional time I drive his suv when he isn't at work). And it is our cell phone but he refers to it as "your" cell phone or to ds as "Mommy's cell phone" (he doesn't have one). Do you think this is what she meant? That is what it sounded like to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 6:32pm
Ok, weird is it is,I just happened upon this IRL.The wife works a corporate 10-12 hour job,and has told her schoolteacher dh to get a job(short term factory,like he has before) for the summer.Childcare is not an issue,and they are fairly well off.However,she thinks school teachers have it easy and don't make much,so they should work year around to make up the difference just out of principle(ie"What else would he do all day?We could use the extra money,anyway,since he hasn't been bringing home a lot during the school year.").

I think there is some jealousy there as well,as well as she is ticked off that he didn't take a better paying job when it was offered.She also thinks the extra money could pay off some extra expenses,like improvements that aren't budgeted for.Somaybe trips dh feels the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 9:33pm
i cant believe some women have that attitude. my mom was a teacher and my dad never, ever had one thing to say about her schedule, and being off all summer......just cant believe it. i dont care if my dh worked making minimum wage, i would never belittle him for not making enough money. i am more concerned with whether he is happy with himself. of course i would never even marry someone who would refuse to contribute to the household in some way, but this man is working a full time career. so what hes off in the summer. i love when my dh has a day off im working, much less the whole summer. that would be heaven!!

btw, my dad was a grocery store clerk, and made nowhere near what trips dh makes. not even a quarter, and never ever suggested my mom work. i should add, that she did teach summer school a few times by choice, but not every year, and never when we were little.

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