Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 10:18pm
Well we had "the talk" this weekend. Things should work out fine. It seems he realizes that he was being emotional and unreasonable when he said he wanted me to work this summer. He now says it wouldn't make sense, we ordered a second ATM card for me on Saturday, we discussed which schools I should look at for my Masters in Education, etc, and in fact, he said I don't have to worry about money, he knows we'll be fine, even if I decide to go to school next year full-time and not work at all until Im done. He claims he "didn't mean" what he said before.

Also, as far as trading in my car. I would never do something like live a different lifestyle than my husband. Either we both go budget or neither of us. I think that would really place me in an inferior status. Sort of like eating a hot dog while my husband eats steak. Not in this lifetime!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:47am
I consider myself lucky. After our first year of marriage (before ds), when i had spent EVERY summer in typical summer jobs (camp leaders, etc.), my dh said that i deserve a rest -- and shouldn't feel like i have to work in the summer. So i haven't worked a single summer for over 13 years. I have, however, sometimes taken summer classes or short computer courses to learn new skills.

as for not making enough, i guess it depends where you live and what your spouse is doing. After 12 years working, i make almost 60K, so i've never considered that a "small" amount of money (although dh brings in much more than that).

Eileen

Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:05am
Well, good for you. With all of the tangent threads around here, it did seem that he was just being unreasonable. Having a talk to explain your feeling really did seem to work. Rethinking your financial arrangements is always a good idea from time to time. I hope that everything works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:05am
I think she sees the summer as a time to kind of get a jump on their finances-to make some extra money.Some couples are just competitive with each other-"if I can't do it,you can't do it ,either!"
Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:14am
That is probably true in most families. I refer to the car that I drive the most as "mine" and the car that dh drives the most as "his". However, when the car payments come due, they come out of a joint account. There is no, you pay yours and I pay mine attitude. She is talking about having to pay the car payment for "her" car. It doesn't appear that the cars are "our" but "his" and "hers". See the difference?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:33am
Yes, we only have a joint account (& did when I woh also). Everything is considered ours. I just thought maybe it was the way she worded it but not really how it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:44am
After teaching for 10 months, all teachers deserve a break. It's a demanding job. What do you think the average starting pay for a newly graduated teacher in Fairfield county is? I'm thinking middle school. What's the market like? Thanks, it will be at least a year until I'm certified, probably 2.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:48am
Thanks, I hope so too. I think he was just reacting emotionally instead of intellectually, which he has a tendency to do at times. Now that he realizes that it won't be a financial stress, and that it's temporary, he's fine with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 10:55am
I know that by June, my mom is absolutely *exhausted*. Teaching is somewhat different than a lot of professions (not all, but a lot!) In that you don't quit working when school is over. My mom pretty much works 7 days a week regardless of the fact that school is only in 5. I think all teachers deserve the break.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 1:10pm
If your husband's expectations are that out of line with your own and those around you, then some marriage counselling may be in order. He may see your financial responsibilities as part of your contribution to the marriage, and feels that he will be doing all the work if you aren't working (I'm not saying that's a fair perception, by the way). He may have issues from his own childhood that lead him to this expectation. There are lots of reasons why he may be this way, and it may take talking about them with him in the refereed environment of a counsellor's office to even understand what they are. Once you understand them, then you can see whether you can work out a compromise, or whether there is no good solution. In my opinion, however, it's always worth giving counselling a try before breaking up a marriage, unless one partner is physically abusing the other.

Good luck to you!

-Theresa

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