Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 1:45pm
Isn't your husband eating a hotdog while you eat steak, if you have the summer off while he has to work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 5:16pm
I can relate to your post. I am pregnant with my first child and have a 5 year old Stepson. I always worked before I met my husband and did so until I conceived. We felt it was better for me to stay home than to risk my having another miscariage( I had one in Jan 2003).

I think what your Husband may be feeling is the fact he has a hard time with carrying the family's financial obligations. My Husband makes about half of what your Husband makes. We have had this conversation as well. I would suggest to talk to him and explain what your 'JOB' entails during the day. Sometimes men feel they do not want their wives 'doing nothing" while they work very hard every day.My husband has realized my life's focus has shifted now. Explain to your Husband that what's best for you right now is to be a Full Time Mom for the summer and you will return to Sub teaching in the Fall. Remind him that you are also running the house and you are working with him in every way you can. Also mention you still love him very much and you need this right now.

Good Luck.

Michele
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 7:09pm
Thanks Michele, and Good luck to you too, best wishes for a healthy baby!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 7:12pm
Is that how you think? Oh you poor, poor thing...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 10:37am
Hi,

I've been married for 18 years also....and I have a real hard time understanding how you both handle your money.

He is upset paying "your" car payment?????

In my 18 years of marriage, I have never heard, nor uttered "Your's or mine" with my wife. It has always been, and always will be "Ours".

Your husband makes a considerable amount of money....Why is it so important to him that you work?

My wife does not work. Our thoughts were "Yeah, we could surely use the extra money, but we both wanted someone to raise our kids (aka, NOT a Nanny, an au-paire etc). We do without all the extra's (New cars, toys and such), but it is worth it as far as we are concerned.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 10:40am
Oh yes, your wife works. She just doesn't get a paycheck. It's fine for your family if you want a SAHP, but nannies do not raise children. Oops, if my nanny's raising my kids, where was she at 5:30 this morning when the baby woke up???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:38pm
What can I say, you're a nice guy, and one of a dying breed. Your wife is a lucky woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:50am
He is being unreasonable. How are you even going to bring home anything after daycare costs? Is he thinking your children will busy themselves and care for themselves all summer long? People used to do that when I was growing up, I was a latch key kid, and it was such a problem that some states have passed laws against that now. You could lose your children for child neglect in some states for leaving them home like that, for that many hours. Substitute teaching is ridiculous too. My dh makes less than half what your dh makes and I refuse to substitute teach. Figure it this way... after you take out taxes and childcare costs, your dh will have to pay the daycare costs, you won't be bringing anything home. Don't take out the deductions from your part of the money, you get those even without your salary. You need to figure how much additional salary. Frankly, your dh is being an @ss. If he can't shape up, then go ahead and leave him. He is so incredibly out of line. Summer is very short and I am quite certain he would not be willing to work some grunt labor summer job, it would be beneath him. Yet, because you have given up having a big career to raise his children, he expects you to do exactly what he would never do? My dh tried to get me to work some minimum wage counter job. No way would he ever consider doing that. He figured to save of daycare, I would go to work after he came home, some sort of night shift. I told him we both graduated from college at the same time, same college. My career would be where his is if I hadn't given it up to care for him and his children. If he wanted one of us to work that kind of job, it would be him, not me. Of course, he never would and I refuse to. I told him if he is so determined that I work, I will have the fulltime career while he raises the children and cook and clean and grocery shop and then at the end of the day, after I get home, on evenings and weekends, he can go off to some low paying evening and weekend, non-career type job. Of course he would never consider trading places. Remind your dh if he expects you to work, then he will have to take time off if one of the kids gets sick and can't go to daycare. That he will have to start cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping. Tell him he will be left alone to care for the kids (even if you work when he works, make sure you work when he is not working so he has to do some of what you have had to do in caring for the children). Your dh just makes me so mad. He is so unreasonable, and I agree with you, I would leave him before I would give him what he wants on this. Tell him you will compromise, you will go back to school to get your masters in teaching and when that is done, you will have a career in teaching. But you are not pounding the pavement for some temporary low paying job that he would never consider taking. I think he is showing a complete lack of respect for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:53am
I agree! When I was a nanny, the family I worked for paid for my car. My car was used to drive their children around and to care for their family. If it were just my car and I never used it for family, then I could see calling it my car. But, your car is the family car. Your dh makes me so angry. He sounds abusive and cruel and power-tripping on you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 10:45am
Hello !

My husband is the same way ! It is a man thing, I can't understand his thoughts in the matter either. I lost my job a while back, I focused on buying a house in another state, because he was getting transfered. We would of never made the move without my "work" at home to get where we are. I have three kids, they are teenagers, however, they are needy and can not seem to make it at home without me. I too worked part time for a while, and the house falls apart. I would do what I want, I do now, I am smart enough to know how to shop and make it on what my husband makes. It is important to save what you can, that gives us something to fall back on just in case.

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