Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 3:59pm
I think you should take the summer off, and just take money from your joint account (I assume you have one). If he doesn't like that, and insists you work then he should expect to do half of the cleaning, and other work you do at home. If you leave him he'll have to pay child support, and you will probably get 1/2 the money you both have saved. I think he's very unfair being that he makes a good living and you're not struggling. It sounds like he's jealous that you could stay home while he has to work. But you were working all that time and keeping up the housework which is two jobs.

I'm a SAHM and my husband wants me to work also, however he is not willing to chip in with housework or take my daughter to dance and other activities after school, therefore my child would suffer. So I told him that when he is willing to participate more in the household work and our daughter's life then I'll get a job. Good luck with your situation. I'm sure it's difficult on you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 8:47am
I have two wonderful children, aged 20 and 17. They are both honour students. I have a great relationship with each of them. I credit this largely to being an at-home Mom. I have worked part-time but only during their school hours. My husband has always supported my role as an at home Mom but we've all had to "sacrifice" what many Americans would consider a "normal" standard of living. We've never had brand new cars, our major appliances are either second-hand or very old (the only way I can start my clothes dryer is to stick a plastic knife between two places in the motor while holding down a button). We buy a lot of our clothing at consignment or second-hand shops, we don't go on theme-park, or cruise, or airplane based vacations. So, what do we have? Everyone at the dinner table almost every night of the week (except when my daughter is away at college), a shared love of music,laughing over games of Hi-Lo Jack, heated discussions about curfews, concerts, driving priveleges, quiet conversations about what we believe and how we live. It's not perfect but I would not give up my minutes and hours and days and years of mothering my own children for anything, especially not any material belonging! When my daughter was 18, she gave me the most wonderful present I've ever gotten. It was an old jar she'd decorated and filled with about 30 little slips of paper. On each slip of paper was a memory from her childhood or a little note of gratitude for something we'd shared. She'd remembered a toy cooking stove I'd made from a cardboard box and contact paper when she was 4! My teenage son always asks me how my day has been and the two of us share an interest in exercise (he swims, I run). I support you all the way. You need to sit down with you husband and discuss your priorities. You seem to have financial security, the question is whether you can give up the frills in order to give yourselves and your children the family you all deserve. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:59pm
Sounds like he has an issue. Something is going on. Either he has a belief that all women should work regardless, or he is cheap, or something used to go on while you were away at work. The best thing to do is ask what he believes and why. However, stress the importance of happy = you at home = happy home OR unhappy = you at a job = Unhappy HIM because there will not be a happy home....men need caveman talk to understand. They can be so damn stupid! Plus, it won't kill him to help you out, if he loves you as he claims.

You are no less a person cause you are not at work as he wishes.

If he refuses to listen....well, I can think of several things to tell him off with, but if he loves you then he will listen and compromise.

Hope it works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:32am
You are me, 8 years ago. Not only was my husband against me, but the rest of the family including my own mother. We compromised and he helped create a job for me at my daughter's school. He built the computer lab and I started working there 3 years later. Yes, I have summers off, but I miss all of the field trips. I was a doormat and I have regretted it ever since. Don't make my mistake. You can never make up those years.

Your husband is probably scared of being the soul wage earner. Work together on a realistic budget and stick to it.

Jill

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:34am
Your children deserve to have their mother at home with them no matter the cost. Your husband is being unreasonable. A summer off will not make a big differance in finances. A lot of men don't seem to understand what a big job being a stay at home mom is. The hours sucks and so does the pay. Your husband needs to be more understanding.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 4:14am
Why? Why do children "deserve" a SAHM but not a SAHD? You talk like having a SAHM is something special over having a WM. While children do deserve good mothering, whether or not mom works is irrelevent. So why do her kids deserve a SAHM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 7:09am
Its all in the eye of the beholder and only that person can see what is best and right for their own family. My children, my husband deserve a wife and mother at home. We believe this is the best way for our home and kids. That doesn't mean we believe it is universal. That doesn't mean we believe WOH is not best for other families, just not ours. We see huge benefits to it that others don't share our same beliefs, and vice versa. There just is no wrong or right equation. It is all in the eyes of the beholder what their kids deserve, what is best for their kids. I firmly believe WOH is best & deserving for many families as I believe SAH is best & deserving for ours and others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 7:11am
Ooooops, suppose to go above the other post. Ugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:08pm
You guys seem to make good money, even on just his salary. I work, but it's my husband that stays at home. My income is only $40K. We live on that with 2 kids, 2 cars and a mortgage. I think it is just how you choose to live. Live within your means, and you guys have the means. If $175K isn't enough to support a family, than I don't know what is. I think your husband needs to put his greed aside for a while and focus on the kids and you. Maybe I am being harsh on him, but Im a bit jealous. I wish I had your problem. If I made $175K, then by all means, my husband could stay at home, go fishing and anything else. We would be so happy. You guys are lucky to have that kind of income and should reevaluate just exactly what you are spending you money on to make your husband think that that isn't enough. I think it is more than enough. Im on your side. Stay home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:22pm
Thanks, it is enough. If I could just break him of the wine habit! We did discuss it, and I'll definitely be home this summer, and possibly next year while I'm in grad school as well. We'll have to see how the summer goes but I think once he realizes how doable it is, we'll be fine.

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