Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 3:07pm
Yes it is in the eye of the beholder but that doesn't make it something your kids deserve. Do my kids deserve a WM because I have deemed that to be the better lifestyle for us? No. Working status is just a preference. Kids aren't more deserving of one or the other. Kids are deserving of being well loved, well cared for and well provided for but how we choose to do that is our choice but our choices don't become things our children deserve. They're just what we choose for our kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 3:51pm
Yes it does make it something MY own kids deserve. Because we see it as the only way to raise our 2 boys. We feel OUR kids deserve a mother at home. We don't feel this way for any other children, just our own. Big difference.

Of course I realize you will never see that, but it remains the same of how we see it and how we are providing what our kids do deserve in our opinions and how we decided to raise our family upon starting one.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 3:57pm
No, what you want doesn't become what your kids deserve. There are parents who are pedophiles out there who want to have sex with kids, does that make it what they deserve? I would hope not. Kids deserve what they deserve and adults want what they want. Neither has anything to do with the other. That you want to SAH is your want. What your kids deserve is a decent home, to be loved and well cared for. However, your preferences don't dictate what they deserve. Do my kids deserve a WM because I want to be one? No. I want to be a WM for my own reasons. Fortunately, it is quite possible to make sure my kids have what they deserve regardless of my working status so my working status is just my preference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 4:06pm
In this house it does. My kids deserve certain things in life, we deemed those things deserving before we started our family. Of course you don't see that way, but that doesn't make it so in THIS house and you don't get to say what we decided OUR kids deserve and we decided we would provide for OUR kids.

My being a housewife is a decision WE made. My husband and I. Before marriage. At that time we also felt future children we should have did DESERVE a sahm. There were many other reasons WE as husband and wife chose for me to be a housewife, and yes, one of those was because that was my desire to do this for a lifetime. But that is only a part of it, we still felt our family DESERVED it.

You see it otherwise but you cannot dictate how we see it and how we came upon the decision OUR kids DESERVE a parent at home all the time. You can try, you cannot succeed.

I'm sure there are other things we feel our kids DESERVE and you'd disagree. But for this family and house, again, your opinions would not be valid.

My sah status is all about preference. While it is ONE factor, there are others, including DESERVING children in this house.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 4:54pm
And what logic gets you to your choice = what your kids deserve, lol. You are putting things together in ways they don't go. You prefer to SAH does not mean your kids deserve a SAHM. So tell me, what is different about your kids from mine that yours deserve a SAHM and mine deserve a WM? What kids deserve is what they deserve. It's not based on the preferences of their parents. I chose to vax my kids, does that mean they deserve to be vaxed. Someone else chooses not to vax her kids, does that mean hers don't deserve to be vaxed? There is no logic here. That you prefer something only says that you prefer it. It has no bearing on what someone else deserves.

If kids deserved what their parents choose to have in their lives, we wouldn't need social services, now would we? Your argument is silly. Kids don't deserve something just because mom and dad want it. I have a sister who thinks her dd's don't need an education because girls don't need a diploma to make babies. According to your logic, this means my neices don't deserve an education. What my sister wants and deems appropriate has nothing to do with what my neices deserve. They are totally separate issues.

Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:07pm
Sorry, gotta go with Cyndi here. You are completely missing the point. We are not talking about your family or my family or Cyndi's family. In general, what does a child deserve? The basic rights of a child shouldn't matter from family to family. Children deserve to be loved and cared for. They also deserve a chance in life because they didn't ask to be born. How a parent chooses to accomplish these things is different for every family. You may want a SAHM for your family but that does not mean that your children deserve it. If it did, then how come the children of a less well off family are any less deserving than your kids? Are you somehow more special just because you are you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:08pm
Weeeellll, I think my kids deserve an education, so we decided a long time ago that it would be a priority for us to pay for that education. Some people would disagree with us (like your sister), but that doesn't make our children any less deserving in our eyes. If someone feels that their children deserve something, and they are willing to provide it, who are you to deny that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:10pm
You cannot go around dictating what others deem THEIR kids DESERVE anymore than you can go around claiming to know what is BEST for every family and their kids. Forget it, maybe in your own mind, but not in the real world beyond cyberspace.

My husband and I have a long list of things WE feel OUR kids DESERVE. They are OUR list for OUR kids and no need to apply to other families. But they are things we talked about before marriage, before pregnancy, and we continue to think about and include.

My preference to SAH is not the OVERALL picture. Even if I didn't PREFER to Sah, I'd sah for awhile because the kids deserve it (my kids) then I'd go to work. But it just so happens that isn't the the lifestyle my husband and I decided on for us.

Your kids DESERVE whatever you DEEM they DESERVE. Only you can answer that one for your kids. Just as my husband and I can only answer for our kids.

Sorry, there are alot of things PARENTS themself feel THEIR kids DESERVE and it IS based on the PARENTS DECISION. That is the way it is in THIS house. Period.

No, your arguement is the silly one (like all of your postings, I'm rotflol at your so called logic that does NOT apply to everyone, just to you).

You'll never understand, never. You have a narrow view and can only see things in your small view instead of seeing the big picture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:13pm
Yes, college education is DESERVING of our children and WE will pay in full for both kids' college education. That is one of the "deserved" things for OUR kids.

ITA with you and your last question. The FACT is she doesn't get to decide (that is probably the problem, no control there over other people lol)

We see what is best way and right way to raise our kids and only we can make that decision for our family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:15pm
Nope. I feel children DESERVE certain things, period. And WE are providing those things we believe childlren DESERVE to OUR children. Others have to decide what they deem their kids deserve and provide or not accordingly.

We will just have to agree to disagree, again.

It has nothing to do with being special. It has everything to do with deciding what YOUR own kids deserve. Period.

End of conversation.

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