Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:22pm
Setting your priorities according to what your kids do deserve is honorable. My argument is against declaring something you want as something your child deserves. Your children don't deserve an education because you have deemed it so. They simply deserve an education. How much education they choose to persue is yet to be seen but they do deserve an education. All kids do. My point is simply that what my kids deserve isn't based on what I want. My kids don't deserve a WM because I want to be one any more than the op's kids deserve a SAHM because she wants to be one. Our kids, however, do deserve good care. How we provide that is our preference. Our children deserve what they deserve and it's not determined by what we choose to give them. Kids whose parents choose not to pay for an education also are deserving of an education even if their parents think it's not something they deserve. What our kids deserve has nothing to do with what we want. What we want in our kids lives does determine what we do though.


Edited 6/6/2003 5:39:51 PM ET by cyndiluwho
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:27pm
Again, your FEELINGS don't determine what your kids deserve. There are parents out there who FEEL their kids deserve to be beaten. News flash. That's not what their kids deserve. The problem here is you're applying the word "deserve" to an irrelevent situation. It doesn't fit with moms working status because kids neither deserve SAHM's or WM's. They deserve good moms, they deserve good care, they deserve to be loved but how you manage that is simply your preference. You, obviously, prefer to do that with a SAHM which is fine but that does not mean your kids deserve a SAHM. It means you choose to take care some of the things your kids do deserve with a SAHM. I choose to do it with a WM and good dc. Deserving something is intrinsic to the person who deserves it. You're trying to determine what one person deserves using what another person wants and that is illogical.





Edited 6/6/2003 5:38:28 PM ET by cyndiluwho

Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:27pm
Oh, had to have the last word, did you? I said that it was your choice on how you want to raise your children. By saying that they deserve something special that other children don't or can't have is raising their level of importance above everyone else. Simple as that. You can decide what your kids want, but deserving is more universal. Period. End of conversation.

Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:32pm
Of course children deserve an education. This country has set up a public education system to do just that. Paying for college is a choice that many parents make depending on whether they see a college education as a necessity.

No one is denying anybody anything. But I think the word deserve is used incorrectly in this case. If they truly feel that their children deserve (not just want) something that children universally don't or can't have, then they are saying that their children are more special than the average child. Again, it is certainly a parent's right to choose to have a SAHP, but it is certainly not something that every child deserves.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:35pm
No, you cannot DEEM what another person deserves!!! We deserve what we deserve. It is intrinsic to the person not something that is percieved by another. We used to have slavery in this country because some people deemed that others deserved to be slaves when it reality what they deserved was freedom!! One person cannot, based on their wants and perceptions of life, declare what another person deserves. What we deserve we deserve. Kids deserve to be fed, clothed, have a roof over their heads, be cared for, etc, etc, etc... SAH is just one way of providing kids with some of the things they deserve but that doesn't make SAH something the kids deserve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:38pm
I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 5:41pm
So in other words what you are saying is that *all* children deserve a SAHM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:02pm
You are missing the whole point. Even if I didn't want to be a housewife I'd still feel MY kids DESERVE a Sah. It just so happens to be a dream I'm fulfilling for myself so that is a bonus.

You'll never understand because you come from a whole different line of thinking and way of living. There is nothing comparable btw the way our life style is and how yours is. But that is life, that is the way it should be. We are all individuals pursuing our own dreams and deciding what is best and right for our own families.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:04pm
I can DEEM what MY own children DESERVE when it comes to how they are raised and what they are and not given (i.e. Sahp, college education, etc).

Maybe you don't feel that way for your kids, but that is how you feel and how you are raising your family. Doesn't apply here no matter how hard you try to make it.

Your philosophy on life doesn't apply to us all (thank goodness for THAT).

When we decided to have children, we felt OUR kids did DESERVE a sahm (even had I not wanted to be one, I would have been one for awhile because of feeling this way. Just so happens I desire to be a lifetimer housewife all my life).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:06pm
No. Each set of parents have to decide that for their kids. My husband and I cannot decide that for yours, the neighbors, etc. It is none of our business to decide if a sahp is what your kids deserve or not. It is our business to decide if ours deserve a sahp, they do, they have one.

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