Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:27pm
So kids deserve what their parents deem they deserve? So if I deem my kids deserve to be beaten, then that's what they deserve, right? If I deem that they deserve to eat only bread and milk, that's what they deserve, right? If I deem they don't deserve an education then they don't deserve one, right? If I deem they deserve to drink buttermilk every day (yuck) then that's what they deserve, right? After all, I am their mom. Don't I determine what my kids deserve just like you determine what yours deserve? Your logic doesn't float. My kids don't deserve things just because I say so. If that were the case then we wouldn't need social services because all those abused and neglected children are just getting what they deserve from their parents. If you have the right to deem what your children deserve, then so do all the lousy parents out there who mistreat their kids.

You are mistaking your right to decide what your kids will have within the realm of that which is not harmful to them for deciding what they deserve. You don't decide what they deserve. You decide what they get. They still deserve what they deserve even if you don't think they deserve it.

What we deserve is not determined by what others think. What we get may very well be and sometimes we get things we don't deserve because of what others think (like parents who think their kids deserve to be beaten), however, that doesn't change what we deserve. Hitler thought the Jews deserved to die. Many in his nation followed that belief. Was it right? Plain and simple what you think does not determine what someone else deserves. You have every right to choose your preferences for your children's lives as that is your legal right, within reason, but they don't become things your children deserve just because you chose them any more than someone choosing to beat their child means the child deserves to be beaten.

I have chosen a WM for my kids but that speaks nothing to what my kids deserve. Fortunately, when it comes to my working status, they don't deserve anything. It's irrelevent as it doesn't affect how they turn out so we can just go with our preference here just so long as we make sure our kids do have what they really deserve, like good care, good food, a roof over their heads, an education, etc, etc, etc... how we provide those things is just our preference.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:29pm
Deciding what your children get and what your children deserve are two different things. Don't you think it's possible for parents to choose things for their children that they don't deserve? DCPS exists precisely because some parents do choose things their children don't deserve for their children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:47pm
But, But, But You said:

<>

Your statement said that you feel *CHILDREN* (not just yours, but all) DESERVE certain things. (Which would mean SAHM).

<>

So by that statement it is then inferred that you are providing THOSE THINGS (meaning SAHM) we believe CHILDREN (not just yours, but all) deserve.

So again that would bring us back full circle to you feeling that SAHM is something that you feel every child deserves.

Just because you attach a *I don't care what other families do* to it, doesn't change what you said in your statement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 6:58pm
Also, along the same line of thinking. I feel that what ever my child "deserves" (using the most basic form of the word) *should* apply to *all* kids. And then if it doesn't apply it would then become a preference. KWIM?

For example my child "deserves" a safe nurturing environment. But I also think all kids deserve that. Do I think my child deserves a SAHM. No it's just what I prefer to do.

So it just seems to me that if you say my "child deserves...." in a sentence, why wouldn't all children deserve the same thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:06pm
>>>Yes, college education is DESERVING of our children and WE will pay in full for both kids' college education. That is one of the "deserved" things for OUR kids.

-

Gee. I wish my parents thought that. Oh wait, they DID think I deserved a college education...only, they didn't pay for it. I did. So, according to your logic, my parents didn't think I deserved a college education, right?

Just because you can afford to do something and you choose to do something doesn't dictate the deservedness of a child to have that thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:10pm
>>>> "If you have the right to deem what your children deserve, then so do all the lousy parents out there who mistreat their kids.

You are mistaking your right to decide what your kids will have within the realm of that which is not harmful to them for deciding what they deserve. You don't decide what they deserve. You decide what they get. They still deserve what they deserve even if you don't think they deserve it."

----

I'm going with Cyndi on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:11pm
But, if you feel that your kids *deserve* a SAHM, why shouldn't *all* kids deserve a SAHM?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:06pm
No. I said for OUR kids. Doesn't apply to you, your kids, or anyone else. This is how WE feel for OUR kids. It is a personal issue, not universal.

We started saving years ago for our future kid's college educations, it isn't like we could automatically afford it, we felt they DESERVE it and we wanted to provide it, so we set forth to do just that. Not everyone could or would, but that is individual situations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:10pm
You'll never understand outside of your little world, so having a discussion with you is totally useless. You can't see beyond your own little beliefs and you don't seem to understand that we all live vastly different lifestyles from one another. And that we have different ideas, goals, dreams, and fulfillments. I can tell by your postings over these last 6 wks that is just how it is.

Your logic sinks.

And we believe having a sahm for our kids does in fact affect how they will turn out. And that they do deserve a sahm for their best interest. But this is personal, we don't feel we can make that decision for all kids, each parent has to make what is best for their family. I know you see no value in sah but believe me, we place a high value and do see it as best way to raise our kids. And even if I desired to woh, I'd still sah with the kids for their best interest of how we see best fit to raise them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:16pm
Why wouldn't all children deserve the same thing? Because when it comes to things like sah vs woh, providing college education in full, etc that is a parenting philosphy area. There are alot of things I feel my kids deserve that others would disagree with (obviously). There are things others feel their kids deserve that I disagree with. It falls under parenting strategy and decisions. For ex. there are people who believe all babies should be bf'd no matter what, that they deserve to be bf'd. I'm a formula feeder, obviously I disagree (as Cindy does in this case). But I'm not going to tell a pro-bfer her baby doesn't deserve to be bf'd when she feels it does and that is her personal parenting choice.

Maybe again this is one of those things that is area because I hear parents saying all the time my kids do or don't deserve x, y, z pertaining to raising them and parental decisions. Until today I've never heard of cindy's philosphy and idea. No wonder it sounds sooooo strange

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