Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:20pm
Again, I can only determine what is best for my own children that I gave birth to. It is none of my business to deem what is deserved or best for other's children who I have no right to decide for them.

Yes, I said that in the context of discussing my 2 boys. Sorry I didn't spell it out clearer for you, 8mo pregnant, I can't sit for long periods at a time, so I was typing quickly.

I never said and never will say that all children should be raised by a sahp. That is an individual choice parents have to make for their own children. I'm not authorized to make that decision for anyone other than the kids I have given birth to. And for the kids I give birth to yes SAH is what THEY deserve and how they will be raised.

Sorry you keep misudnerstanding or I"m not making myself clear enough but I really honestly don't care what you or anyone else does as far as parental decisions when it comes to sah/woh, ff/bf, activiites/no activities, preschool/no preschool, etc. I couldn't give a flip as long as I am doing what we see our kids deserve and what is best in raising our kids.

Why would I care if the next person had a sahm? That is a silly notion. I don't care. That isn't my business to care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:23pm
Because I can only make a decision of what my own kids deserve and how best to raise my own kids.

It simply is none of my business how others raise their kids when it comes to things like sah/woh, bf/ff, preschool/no preschool, pre-k or not, public or private schools, vax or unvax, and the list keeps going on and on. These issues are none of my concern for any child other than my very own.

Why anyone would go around saying sah is best or woh is best, bf is best, ff is best, this or that is best universally for all children is beyond me. It is a personal parenting decision based on one's own parenting philosophy and how they see fit to best raise their family and live their lifestyle. Very personal.

I don't want anyone telling me I should be doing a, b, c or d and I'm not going to do the telling disrespectively to another person about their children. That is crossing the line where you don't belong IMHO.

Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:23pm
Now there's a great debate tactic. Just disagree with everything Cyndi says and say that she can't see beyond her own little world. I truly believe that you are the one who can't see beyond your own little world. You certainly have the right to raise your children as you see fit. Nobody is questioning that. But, as far as deserving certain things, they are more universal concepts that you don't seem able to grasp. What a child deserves is a basic right and it should be the same for all children. What a parent wants to give a child is a personal choice. Do you really not see the difference?
Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:26pm
No. You cannot decide what your children deserve. You decide what you want to give them and how you want to raise them. What children deserve should be universal for all children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:32pm
We will just have to disagree but I do not agree with your premises on this at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:33pm
But her logic doesn't stink. It's actually right on target.

I think it's your logic that is getting *deserve SAHM* with *prefer SAHM* confused.

By your logic, if you mean to say "your children deserve a SAHM* then you also mean *all children deserve a SAHM.*

You can't have one without the other. If one child DESERVES something so then do all children.

I feel that my children deserve a safe, nurturing home. But I also feel that all children deserve that.

But let's say that I was a vegetarian. Would I say that my child *deserves* to be a vegetarian. I suppose I could. But if I did say that, it would mean I felt strongly enough about vegetarianism to feel that *ALL* children should be a vegetarian. However, the reality is, it would really be a choice that I made for my child and what I felt best for our family. A preference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:36pm
I can't help that for 6 wks Cindy hasn't uttered one word in any of her postings that I agree with. She is totally a different person with a tee-totally different life style and ideas about life style. You know, we aren't all going to live the same life style or all agree. That is life.

I can see beyond. I see people as very different. That is the way we are suppose to be. We are not suppose to all live the same life styles and have the same ideals. What a boring world that would be, cloneship. Ugh.

But I won't bend the way I believe, I won't change the way we live, I won't modify our life style that we have chosen.

Your version of deserve and how I see it are totally opposite ends of the spectrum. Agreeing to disagree is about the only thing we can do. I know how I feel about raising our kids (I can only feel that way for the kids I have given birth) and I know what I feel they (mine) deserve.

I'm not going to deem what every child does or doesn't deserve and I'm not going to even think about telling another how they should or shouldn't raise their kids in their own parental philosophy.

Not on important subjects (sah/woh, bf/ff) and not on minor things like allowing or not allowing cartoon network. My husband and I make the decisions right for our 2 boys, that is all we can do, we have no place to make decisions for others children.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:37pm
Of course not. SAH isn't quite so high up on that pedestal if it isn't something her kids DESERVE to have. If SAH is just a choice as to how to one makes sure ones kids have what they do deserve then it's kind of hard to use the children to elevate the importance of the choice. It sounds so much more important to say "my kids DESERVE a SAHM" than "I choose to SAH with my kids because it's what I prefer for my kids." Stating it in terms of fulfilling some need of the children does lend an air of importance to ones chosen station in life, lol. If choosing something for your kids equates with them deserving what you've chosen for them then I guess my kids must DESERVE a WM because that's what I've chosen for them, lol.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:40pm
YOU are missing the point. What you FEEL does not detersmine what your kids deserve!!! One has nothing to do with the other. According to your logic, if I FEEL my kids deserve to get beaten then they deserve to get beaten. That is pure nonsense. My kids don't deserve to get beaten because I feel they do any more than your kids deserve a SAHM because you feel they do. Your feelings have nothing to do with what your kids deserve. They only serve to elevate the importance of your chosen station in life in your own head.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:41pm
SAH should NEVER be put up on a pedestal! SAHMs should NEVER be put up on a pedestal! I feel that is very wrong thinking universally. That downgrades the WOHMs, whether they have to work or choose to work. That is wrong!

SAH is a personal issue.

A married couple having a HOUSEWIFE is a personal issue.

SAH is valued in the home, for that particular family. That is as far as it goes. A woman being a HOUSEWIFE is valued within the home and her marriage but shouldn't be held up universally, just personally.

My kids do deserve a SAH. But other parent's have to deem whether or not this is the same case for their kids. I can only speak, my husband can only speak, for our family, period.

I don't need importance added to what I have chosen. I chose my life. All my life I wanted to be a housewife (whether we had children or not, whether by choice or nature). I'm fulfilling my dream life.

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