Am I a doormat? What would you do?
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| Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm |
Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.
Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.
I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?
I welcome all opinions.

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Yes, I said that in the context of discussing my 2 boys. Sorry I didn't spell it out clearer for you, 8mo pregnant, I can't sit for long periods at a time, so I was typing quickly.
I never said and never will say that all children should be raised by a sahp. That is an individual choice parents have to make for their own children. I'm not authorized to make that decision for anyone other than the kids I have given birth to. And for the kids I give birth to yes SAH is what THEY deserve and how they will be raised.
Sorry you keep misudnerstanding or I"m not making myself clear enough but I really honestly don't care what you or anyone else does as far as parental decisions when it comes to sah/woh, ff/bf, activiites/no activities, preschool/no preschool, etc. I couldn't give a flip as long as I am doing what we see our kids deserve and what is best in raising our kids.
Why would I care if the next person had a sahm? That is a silly notion. I don't care. That isn't my business to care.
It simply is none of my business how others raise their kids when it comes to things like sah/woh, bf/ff, preschool/no preschool, pre-k or not, public or private schools, vax or unvax, and the list keeps going on and on. These issues are none of my concern for any child other than my very own.
Why anyone would go around saying sah is best or woh is best, bf is best, ff is best, this or that is best universally for all children is beyond me. It is a personal parenting decision based on one's own parenting philosophy and how they see fit to best raise their family and live their lifestyle. Very personal.
I don't want anyone telling me I should be doing a, b, c or d and I'm not going to do the telling disrespectively to another person about their children. That is crossing the line where you don't belong IMHO.
I think it's your logic that is getting *deserve SAHM* with *prefer SAHM* confused.
By your logic, if you mean to say "your children deserve a SAHM* then you also mean *all children deserve a SAHM.*
You can't have one without the other. If one child DESERVES something so then do all children.
I feel that my children deserve a safe, nurturing home. But I also feel that all children deserve that.
But let's say that I was a vegetarian. Would I say that my child *deserves* to be a vegetarian. I suppose I could. But if I did say that, it would mean I felt strongly enough about vegetarianism to feel that *ALL* children should be a vegetarian. However, the reality is, it would really be a choice that I made for my child and what I felt best for our family. A preference.
I can see beyond. I see people as very different. That is the way we are suppose to be. We are not suppose to all live the same life styles and have the same ideals. What a boring world that would be, cloneship. Ugh.
But I won't bend the way I believe, I won't change the way we live, I won't modify our life style that we have chosen.
Your version of deserve and how I see it are totally opposite ends of the spectrum. Agreeing to disagree is about the only thing we can do. I know how I feel about raising our kids (I can only feel that way for the kids I have given birth) and I know what I feel they (mine) deserve.
I'm not going to deem what every child does or doesn't deserve and I'm not going to even think about telling another how they should or shouldn't raise their kids in their own parental philosophy.
Not on important subjects (sah/woh, bf/ff) and not on minor things like allowing or not allowing cartoon network. My husband and I make the decisions right for our 2 boys, that is all we can do, we have no place to make decisions for others children.
SAH is a personal issue.
A married couple having a HOUSEWIFE is a personal issue.
SAH is valued in the home, for that particular family. That is as far as it goes. A woman being a HOUSEWIFE is valued within the home and her marriage but shouldn't be held up universally, just personally.
My kids do deserve a SAH. But other parent's have to deem whether or not this is the same case for their kids. I can only speak, my husband can only speak, for our family, period.
I don't need importance added to what I have chosen. I chose my life. All my life I wanted to be a housewife (whether we had children or not, whether by choice or nature). I'm fulfilling my dream life.
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