Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:43pm
No. Every parent has to decide whether their children deserve sah, whether they can/will provide it. Not an universal but rather a personal decision.

I'm sure there are things you feel your children deserve that I'd whole-heartedly disagree with and vice versa. That doesn't make either one of us wrong, just different views on life in general and how we see best fit to raise our kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:47pm
Like I said I think you are getting deserve and prefer confused.

And if your world is so much larger than Cindi's small one, I find it hard to believe that you are unable to see the difference.




Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:51pm
Do you really believe this crap? You don't really believe that a child whose parents FEEL they DESERVE to be beaten really deserves to be beaten do you? If you believe that what a parent chooses to have in a child's life translates into the child deserving what they get, then that is exactly what you believe and it's nonsense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:52pm
We don't agree on life in general, ya know? We see things from opposite ends of the rainbow and we live ENTIRELY and COMPLETELY different lifestyles with different views!

We are who we are and we must continue living our lives as we see best for us and our families.

And you are not qualified to say what my feelings are and how I should or should not live by them. I'd never in a million years tell you to change the way you live because I respect your right to live, choose, and do as you see best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:54pm
I can't help but feel for my 2boys they do deserve to have a mother who is home all the time. It is about more than a personal preference. It is about how my husband and I feel our boys should be raised and how we should provide best for our boys. Even if I preferred to woh I'd feel that my 2 kids deserve to have a sah and I'd make the sacrifice. However, I'm a lifetimer housewife (and would be even w/no children in our family) so that chosen life style before marriage is now a benefit to how we feel about our kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:57pm
Get off the beaten scenario Cindy. You are the only one talking about such nonsense. I'm talking about sah/woh (bf/ff, etc.) those kinds of parental decisions and philosophies and you are out going haywire in another direction LMAO

To me the beaten scenario doesn't even apply.

I'm talking about kids deserving things like college education, sah, etc. And I can ONLY speak for my kids. I wouldn't dare tell you what is best for your kids, no way in you know where would I even think of telling another parent what is best for their kids, that is plainly wrong IMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:58pm
because not all parents want to be sahms. It all comes down to what each person wants to provide for their child and what works best for each family. In my family, yes I do believe my children deserve a sahm....why? because I have the desire to be a sahm...my dh works long hours, we don't need the money and I am better parent because I am home and dh is a better parents because I handle everything around the house. If I worked, I'd be stressed, the children would be in daycare(which neither dh nor I would want) the house would be a mess, it would be stressful....my kids deserve better than that.


Would my children deserve a sahm if it meant my husband and I were at odds with each other? That we were struggling financially? That we couldn't afford a nice home, and good schools for them? No, they deserve the BEST we can give them....and that is determined by what works best for that family.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:59pm
NO, every parent chooses WHETHER their child will HAVE a SAHM NOT what their kids deserve. By your logic, if I FEEL my kids DESERVE to be beaten then they deserve to be beaten. That's nonsense. A parents feelings can be totally off base. What kids deserve they deserve for reasons that have nothing to do with what the parents feel. My kids deserve to not be abused because abuse would be harmful to them NOT because I choose not to abuse them. Whether or not my kids deserve to be beaten has nothing to do with whether or not I FEEL they should or should not be beaten. Just as whether or not my kids deserve a SAH or WM has nothing to do with our feelings on the matter. Fortunately, kids deserve neither a SAHM or a WM so this is just our choice. What they deserve are good moms and we can be that regardless of our working status.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:06pm
But parenting philosophy does not determine what a child deserves. It determines HOW parents will provide for their children. What they deserve and HOW you parent can be two totally different things. By your logic, my kids deserve a WM because that's what I've chosen for them and the kids of a child abuser deserve to be beaten because that's what their parents have chosen for them. That is sheer nonsense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:07pm
Praise be and THANK YOU for posting!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I say thank you again!?!?!

Loved your posting.

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