Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:08pm
Try presenting a logical arguement for why your kids deserve a SAHM instead of telling us what you feel. The fact that you claim to feel something means nothing other than you feel something. Your feelings could be based on a chemical imbalance in the brain for all you know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:08pm
Again, we live totally different life styles and have different values and views.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:10pm
It does in this family for these 2 boys.

My logic has nothing to do with your kids. Only you can provide or not provide what you deem appropriate, deserving, etc. for your own kids. I would never even pretend to tell you how to live your life, raise your kids, or what your kids do or don't deserve. That would be wrong, very wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:11pm
She is not telling you how to live your life. She just wants you to understand the definition of deserve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:12pm
your chemical balance comment is way off mark and will be repeated to tos. if you want to resort to such debate tactics then there is no more room for discussion in this adult arena.

My kids (I can only speak for MY 2 boys) deserve to have a mother at home 24/7, to play with them all day, to be the one taking them to the park, preparing their meals, cuddling and snuggling with them, taking naps with them, attending story time, museum, swim lessons with them.

These are what we feel our kids, ours cindy OURS BEING THE KEY WORD deserve.

I cannot and will not deem what is necessary, what is deserving, or how you raise your kids. That would be wrong.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:13pm
But it's still not what your children deserve. It's how you choose to structure your life. Your children deserve to be well cared for and well loved. That can be accomplished regardless of your working status and in spite of long working hours. You PREFER to meet your kids needs by SAH, which is great but it doesn't become something your kids deserve just because it's the easiest solution for your situation. That you prefer something simply does not translate into that something being what your children deserve.

I have many reasons for being a WM, does that mean my kids deserve a WM? No, it just means that being a WM is how I choose to meet my kids needs. What they deserve doesn't change based on my preferences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:13pm
I know what she is saying and I disagree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:16pm
You mean to tell me there are things you do for your kids you feel they deserve and you expect every parent to feel the same way?

I know people here in Kentucky that believe their kids DESERVE (they used the word, not me) private school over public. I've heard people here irl say their kids DESERVE to be breastfed because they are pro-bfing believers. But I have to disagree. It isn't universal, it is a personal parenting choice.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:19pm
Our values and views have nothing to do with what our children deserve. Care to tell me why your kids deserve a SAHM and mine a WM? What's different ABOUT OUR KIDS?? Deserving something is intrinsic to the person. Our kids deserve what they deserve. It is not determined by how you and I veiw life. By your logic, kids whose parents feel they deserve to be beaten deserve to be beaten and that is nonsense. Parents can FEEL their kids deserve something and be totally wrong. My kids deserve what they deserve not what I FEEL they deserve.

Your problem is it makes SAH seem more important to say your kids deserve it and you can't let go of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:23pm
I place a high value on being a housewife and since having children being a sahm. But that is very personal and for myself and my family, husband and kids together.

I can't tell you why you deem your kids deserve a working mother. Maybe it is because you feel you are a better mother working outside the home (I know people who feel this way). Maybe it is because you can provide things for your family you couldn't if you sah (again, personal issue).

I place no value on housewife/sah for any other family or household outside of the walls of this house. How can I? I can only live my life with my husband and my kids.

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