Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:23pm
Get off your high horse. My comment does not violate TOS. I didn't say you have a chemical imbalance, I said "Your feelings could be based on a chemical imbalance in the brain for all you know.". And yes, feelings can indeed be influenced by chemical imbalances of the brain. Feeling something means nothing other than you feel it and yes, feelings can arise from issues like chemical imbalances of the brain. My comment was meant to show that feelings aren't the basis for making determinations as to what people dserver precisely because they can be irrational and based on things that have nothing to do with issue at hand, like chemical imbalances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:25pm
Nevertheless, your post has already been sent in to the powers of be at ivillage.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:29pm
No because my feelings as to what my children deserve have nothing to do with that they actually deserve!!!! What my kids deserve they deserve for reasons other than what I feel. I might feel a private school education is better than a public school education and CHOOSE to give my kids a private school education but that does not mean they deserve a private school eduation. It just means that's what I chose for them.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:31pm
If you can't handle debating, maybe you should stay out of the debates.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:33pm
Well there are people who feel their kids DESERVE private school education. We are going to private school because we don't like our local public schools. But I hear "deserve" alot in the private school sector here in the bluegrass state.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:34pm
Oh I can handle the debating but I won't stand for personal insults, that is WHY you were reported promptly. Big difference.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:39pm
No it does apply!! If you decide what your kids deserve why don't other parents?? Because they chose something different than you?? Try actually debating the point!! If what you FEEL determines what your kids deserve than what every parent feels determines what their kids deserve or are you somehow special in that your feelings can determine what your kids deserve but no one eleses can? Parents feel all sorts of things about parenting but that doesn't mean their kids deserve what they feel!!! For better or for worse, the parents are the ones making the decision but what children deserve is determined by things other than someone elses feelings.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:40pm
And where did I personally insult you???
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:43pm
IMHO other parents should decide what their kids do and don't deserve (education, sah/woh, bf/ff, etc. topics)

It has nothing to do with what I do or don't choose on these topics as deserving for my own 2.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:43pm
i think you are missing the point. i *feel* my children *deserve* to live like princes and princesses, however, that is only what *i* feel, not society. *feeling* they *deserve* a sahm is only your feelings, not necessarily what your children need or want. i *feel* my children deserve more vacations, nice clothing, a large home, therefore i go to woh, because *i* feel my children should have it.

you *want* your children to have a sahm, but they dont necessarily "deserve" it. whether we deserve something or not, has nothing to do with what we want.

the definition of deserve is: to be worthy of, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital.

you are saying you sah because your children are suitable for that award. why? isnt it just a position you chose just because it "fits" your family in general? do you sah only because your children deserve it? do you think my children deserve a sahm? for the record i dont, because im not good at it. im a better mom, wife, person in general while woh.

i think you and clw are looking at the word "deserve" from two different angles, and using it in two different contexts, and she hears what you are saying, but you are not hearing what she is saying.

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