Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:43pm
And their feelings have nothing to do with what their kids deserve because someone's feelings don't determine what another person deserves!! My father felt I didn't deserve an education because I'm female. Does that mean I didn't deserve one? No. It meant my fathers feelings were off base. Feelings can be wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:46pm
Exactly!! nt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:54pm
she did not say *you* have a chemical imbalance in the brain. she is trying to make a point that what *all children* deserve, may not be the same as what *their parents* THINK they should have or not have.

you sah, is YOUR *choice* period. it fits YOUR family, period. what your children deserve is irrelevant. yes it is taken into consideration when you determined what YOU would do, but it is not the basis of the decision. again, "deserve" means to award and it looks to me like you sah with your children because it *works* for your family regardless of who deserves what.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 9:57pm
Well nevertheless of your opinion they do say "DESERVE" and that is HOW they believe "DESERVE" being the operative word. Now if you want to get them together and tell them their wrong, then have at it.

I believe they do feel their kids DESERVE a private school education. We are there for the mere fact our public school is horrendous and we don't want to move yet from our lovely home where we've been since my first ds was a baby. But then again, we know we will have to in order to pursue public education in a few years for both kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:02pm
I feel my kids deserve alot of things. I feel that the things that I feel they deserve are things I should provide if at all possible. And being a housewife and mother is part of that. I also feel my dh deserves a housewife (so does he, we agreed before marriage) so I feel I should give him what he deserves (but then again, I'm getting a heck of a lot for it which values and fulfills me lol).

There are things that I see MY kids deserve, but I can only speak for my kids, no one elses as I'm not their parents.

I'm not saying anything about society (and haven't been in this whole debate) as a whole. Only my 2 kids, the only 2 kids I"m qualified to speak and answer for what is best and what is the best way to raise them and what they deserve.

I do feel my kids deserve to have a mommy who is always home, always avail to play, always there. I can't say I feel that is universal for all kids because it is such a very personal and private decision that each mother/father, each family has to make and it isn't a "one size fits all" answer in the first place for many factors.

Yes, housewife and sah fits our family. But if I didn't want to be at home, if I desired to work, I'd sacrifice to give my children a SAH because I feel my kids deserve it. It just so happens I didn't have to change paths. I know parents who did give up woh which they loved for awhile because they felt as I do about the sahp issue.

Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:06pm
No, it is clear that you really don't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:06pm
I agree that a child deserves the best each family can give them. But to say that a child *deserves* a SAHM means that SAHM has been elevated to a status higher than WOHM.


If you couldn't afford to be SAH, would you then say my child deserve to have a WOHM. My child deserves to be in daycare. No, you would say my child deserves to have the best that I can give him.

BTW I am a sahm. We can afford to do it. This is what we want for our family. But I disagree that my children deserve specifically a SAHM. Do I feel that I am doing the best that I can for him? Yes. But it is totally based on what our preferences for what our family needs and wants. But I would never say specificaly that he deserved a SAHM.

I think the confusion comes over what deserves really means. And to me it means a right that should be available to all. A child *deserves* to be in a loving home. And that could be SAH or WOH.

I am trying to imagine the conversation I would have with my WOHM (who chooses to work)neighbor:

Me: I stay home because *my* child deserves a SAHM. So what does *your* child deserve?

Her: I guess my child *deserves* 40 hours a week daycare and a wohm.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:07pm
You can misuse words all you want but that doesn't make it right.
Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:15pm
It is not simply a question of agreeing to disagree. You simply do not understand. The only thing I can say here is Welcome back Max. Because there certainly couldn't be two of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:20pm
I understand what you're saying but there are instances where one child deserves something that isn't universal. I can see believing that a particular child who is gifted in a particular way "deserves" the opportunity to further that gift, while it wouldn't be something universally "deserved" by all children. Or, if a child puts a lot of work into, say, art, I would be inclined to think that she deserved private lessons, while I'd think that regular art class is fine for a child who shows no such inclination. I suppose all of these examples could be grouped under children deserving the chance to pursue their gifts but that same grouping could include a child who deserved a sahm, if that child had particular traits that make sah the best environment for him.

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