Am I a doormat? What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Am I a doormat? What would you do?
1139
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:57pm
This is my first post here, but I need some help from strangers. Here is my problem. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children who are 10 & 12. I have always worked part-time since the kids were born, and was making a good salary (30K), for 2 days work/week. I had a great job that allowed me to pay my car payment, groceries, clothes for me and the kids, and for little extras. My husband paid all the other bills.

Last fall I lost my great job, my field is saturated, so to keep busy and still make money, I started substitute teaching. As a result I now work 5 days a week, make only 10K a year, let my housecleaner go, so I'm working harder than ever and making less money. My husband is now making my car payment as I can't afford it, and he is doing this with a lot of resentment. I can barely afford groceries and clothes, but so far this system has been working.

Now the problem, summer is coming and I want to stay home. I won't be able to substitute, and I have no desire to pound the pavement. I want to stay home with the kids and work on the myriad of projects left undone over the years. Here's the kicker, I don't want to beg my husband for money, which I know I'll have to do. He earns a good salary (175K plus bonus, but no bonus this year due to bad economy). Our mortgage payment in total is $2600, we have 2 leased cars, no other debt, considerable savings (kids college is all saved for), yet my husband thinks I should find a job! Is he being unreasonable, or am I? I don't spend money, I'm pretty frugal, shop at TJ Maxx, etc. and am very low maintenance.

I am angry to the point of considering leaving him. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to "make" me work for the summer when we are quite capable of paying our bills and saving just on his salary. I have no qualms about returning to subbing in the fall and even going for my master's for a permanent teaching job - I really love it, but his attitude is frankly stunning. By the way, I am the ONLY one of our female friends, neighbors or aquaintances who works, most spend the summer (and all year round for that matter)playing tennis and shopping. What do you suppose his problem is? Or am I being unreasonable?

I welcome all opinions.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:20pm
Do you really think she's Max? You know, I kind of miss Max.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:27pm
Yes, but it's because of differences in the child NOT differences in the feelings of the parents. A child who is uber talented deserves to have their talents nurtured but it's because they are talented NOT because mom and dad feel they should have their talents nurtured, though mom and dad very well might feel that way. It is the difference in the child that determines that the child deserves something different than the next child not the difference in the parents feelings on the matter. Case in point. I sit next to a man whose son, obviously, has considerable musical talent from the stories he's told. He feels his son should wait until he's 10 or 12 to start music lessons but reality is this child deserves to start now as he's demonstrated the talent and the interest and now is the time to develop his musical ear. Unfortunately, dad doesn't see it that way but that doesn't change that this child really does deserve to be able to develop his talent. Hopefully, he'll keep the spark alive for the next 6 years without anyone actively teaching him what he's chomping at the bit now to learn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:27pm
ok, why do your kids *deserve* a sahm???? on what criteria is your decision based? deserve means to award, so how have your children earned this "award"?

i understand all about your philosophys, how you see your children, why you *think or feel* they deserve a sahm, but what hard criteria do you have to determine they *deserve* this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:29pm
Very well said. nt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:32pm
who's max? that must have been before my time.
Avatar for mjdphd
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:32pm
LOL Could be. It is just that this whole discussion has a deja vu feeling. I had a very similar discusion with her about 2 years ago. She uses the same circular reasoning and avoidance techniques. The debate (or non-debate) style is eerily similar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:34pm
I think ALL kids deserve a private school education!! why would some and not others?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:36pm
No there couldn't possibly be. And the specific similarities are way to striking (especially the allergies in an earlier post and the whole housewife thing) She did say a way long time ago that she was from kentucky so maybe they moved back. I miss the MaxChandler persona. And I am very happy that she is expecting her baby because way back when she was TTC. However, this thread was totally giving me deja vu. do you remember that Feminism debate with her a couple years ago? The whole going round and round in circles.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:41pm
Yep it was the feminism debate. Oh my gosh talk about going in circles. That's exactly what this thread feels like. I am sure it's her, with some minor modificaions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:54pm
He is absolutely being unreasonable and selfish. I don't know how the rest of your life is organized, but if I were you and I were the one who now does the housework - I'm guessing he doesn't help - I would insist that he pay me what the housekeeper was making. If he wants to put a price tag on your relationship, I would start charging him BIG TIME. It may be akin to prostitution, but I would make it really clear that I do not have sex with men who disrespect me and treat me like crap - unless they want to pay. LOL I feel for you - this is a tough spot to be in, but trust me - he is wrong.

Karen

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