Anything wrong with stuff?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Anything wrong with stuff?
281
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 11:06am

Often MSAH state that the reason mother work is for "stuff"

If there anything wrong with that?

I don't think so, as long as someone is not doing anything illegal or immoral to acquire that stuff I don't see a problem.

The first half of our marriage we had to count every penny. The last few years there are very few limitations on getting what we want. (it has much more to do with my DH's changing job status than my SAH/WOH status). I like it a lot better now.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:18am

My first reaction is to give her the benefit of the doubt. To assume that if she says she has to, she really has to, and it is not just some entitlement thing-- I am entitled to have these things, I would never do without them, but I have to work to have them.

That's not to say I hold onto that thought. I have gotten to know a few women who I realized are saying it in an attempt to avoid judgment. In reality, they know they choose to work, but figure if they say they have to, they get that free pass that some people give to women who have to work, but not to women who choose to work. If that makes sense. I think it was the same situation you were describing.

In all honesty, I do not give it much thought when people say they have to work. It's a complex decision, and not one I need to be a part of, so I take them at face value. Making the assumption in that case is really just a means of getting over that hurdle of information not fitting together, because otherwise, my mind can get stuck on illogical things that are really none of my business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:25am

This isn't directed to you personally, but a question just popped up and I thought I'd throw it out there.


Out of curiosity, how often are any of you actually in a situation (IRL) where you discuss with another person their (or your)


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 9:33am
Never
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:00am

I've discussed it with close friends, but I can't recall it coming up at parties or bbqs where there are more people.

Avatar for mommy2amani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:04am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:06am

I have it come up frequently IRL. It was the IRL discussions that led me to this board, where I felt I could say things I wanted to but would not say IRL.

My DH and I are the only ones on both sides of our family that have children in day care. He has a few cousins who do, but even my cousins all have a SAH parent. His coworkers all have SAH wives. They know the general ballpark of each other's salary, and all make enough to support a family. We live in an area with low cost-of-living where even jobs that fall into the middle management category can provide a decent standard of living without a second income. My DH is in a professional occupation, with one of the area's largest employers. We have three children, none of whom are school age yet so day care is expensive. I think the overall effect of all of this is that we are more likely to arouse curiosity and thus receive such comments than the average dual-income family.

With each pregnancy and birth, I receive the "are you quitting yet" question, followed by the list of reasons I should. When DH started this job and I met his new coworkers and their wives, it was discussed in the first conversation. As we have met the new neighbors, since we moved, it has come up in conversation.

Outside of the family, a lot of the time, there is not a direct "why do you continue to work" question, but there will be subtle comments. For example, DH's coworkers have the same job title, and in a company where the same job title carries relatively the same salary. When hearing that I continue to work, one of the wives commented that they were fortunate to have kept themselves out of debt so that she could stay home. I congratulated her on having no mortgage and she said she meant credit card debt. I was left feeling as though she had assumed that I was working because we had credit card debt we needed my salary to cover. My DH apparently got the same feeling and could not stand to have anyone assume he had credit card debt, because he piped up at that point and while I won't go into details, it led to an awkward conversation that made me think of this board. Frequently, the conversation starts with the question of whether I work, followed by a comment that reflects an assumption that we cannot afford to have a sahp. That I just ignore. Occasionally (but not often), I will get a few snippy comments about WOHM's being greedy, materialistic, selfish, putting kids' needs after their own or comments implying that we must mismanage our money.

I have also received many of the comments we see here--"I stay home to raise my children myself" "I can't imagine having anyone else raise my children" as well as assumptions about my own reasons for staying home, "oh, I heard your DH got a raise, will you be able to afford to stay home now?". Plus, I have gotten the "you are lucky to have a lunch break" and "I wish I got an 8-hour a day break" comments multiple times from the same person. In fact, lately, I would say I see more tact on this board from SAHM's than I do IRL.

Avatar for rollmops2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:13am

"In fact, lately, I would say I see more tact on this board from SAHM's than I do IRL."

Sounds like it, yikes! That would drive me up a freaking wall. When the kid was small, it did come up in conversation here and there with other mothers. But never have I been subjected to the kinds of comments and assumptions you seem to have flung at you on a regular basis.

*^*^*^*^*

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:27am

I don't think I have ever really had a conversation specifically about why I or someone else stays home but certain things have come up in conversation that make me aware, to a certain extent, whether they have a choice or not. With my one neighbor, her dh was in a very low-paying job when we first met them and she was very upfront about the fact that she was the breadwinner, and at one point, he quit his job and worked on a screenplay for over a year. That was before they had kids. The other neighbor's dh was in the process of starting his own consulting business when she made the statement to me about wanting to stay home when her third baby was born. However, even if they had the choice, I'm not sure they would have chosen to stay home anyway.

Most of my friends want to work and have gone back to work after an extended period of time, never intending to stay home forever. Many of my friends, including myself, work PT.

Truthfully, work status rarely comes up in conversation when I'm talking with people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:35am
Wow, I'm sorry you have experienced that. I honestly don't know any militant or even semi-militant SAHPs except the ones I've come across on this board. I have had random comments now and then from WOHPs like "it must be nice to be able to SAH" but I just blow the comment off for a variety of reasons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:55am
I have come to the conclusion that there is something about me that makes people speak freely. Before I became a parent, it was other people's life stories and secrets. After I became a parent, it was their opinions and judgments about parenting--mine, theirs, other people's. I told one friend about some of the comments I heard related to formula feeding, working, c-sections. A few months later, she told me she thought I had been exaggerating at the time, then recently, she met a woman who reminded her of me--not in looks but something she couldn't put her finger on. Not only did that woman describe similar experiences, but my friend witnessed two of them in the hour she was talking to her. Of course, the friend does not live around here any more, but the woman she talked to does, and my friend met her here, so maybe it is the area, not us.

Pages