Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Avatar for mama2gigi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 2:47am
I've never claimed to be Mother Teresa.. I am certainly not. I came to this board to debate and share my views about SAH and WOH, NOT to be insulted. After trying long and hard to come to some middle ground I realized that that wasn't what some of you were interested in. You're simply looking to insult and snipe at people who do not share your views. Well, I can insult and snipe with the best of 'em. So if that's what this board is all about, and a few of you have made it very clear that is, then so be it. A.

Andrea...
mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 3:04am
I have never attacked her. Please show me the post where I have attacked her. Since you won't be able find any let's move on......

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Her argument is NOT that she understands why WOHM choose to do so. It is that WOHM who choose to work is wrong. She has plainly stated numerous times that she thinks WOHM who choose to work are wrong. Well, I think she is a hypocrite for judging WOHM who choose to work when her OWN husband works double that. THAT's the debate. Who cares how much her husband works. I certainly don't. BUT the reason it is brought into the debate is to use as an illustration as to how judgemental she is of CWOHM yet it's OK for her Husband.

That's it. That's all there is to it. If she want to come on a debate board she needs to be prepared to debate her position. Her debate is lame because she doesn't debate. She whines that people are putting words in her mouth, she changes the story aroung to suit her needs, and likes to go around in circles because she refuses to see the points out there. She might just learn something if she quit being so defensive.

And for the record she was a smart ass long before any of this took off. Her rude remark to Almostfreeofthree was the first in a series. So please spare me the witchhunt drama.

Geez.....I've been around a long time lurking and posting. If you are going to say things that are inflammatory (like WOHM's who CHOOSE to work are WRONG) then you better put your flameproof undies on and DEBATE and be prepared to back it up.

If you want everyone to agree with you - Go to a Playgroup Board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 3:08am
Ok, sure, whatever, if it helps you to sleep better....then by all means tell yourself that. Because I don't think too many others here are going to buy it. Like I said, that post spoke volumes about you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:28am
Ok--I am totally new here--and maybe I am jumping into the fray unwisely, but why do you say that at this stage of his life (toddler) he needs his mommy more than his daddy? just curious--

Jenn
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:36am
Well, then perhaps you can explain to your wife what this debate has been about, since she seems to have missed the point entirely every time it is made to her.

Your wife made some very nasty judgements about women who choose to WOH FT when they have small children. She has deduced that anyone who is making more money than required to simply provide the minimum standard of living obviously is working in order to provide "extras" which are valued more than children.

She has done this while blithely ingoring the fact that you are away from your child much, much longer than a FT WOHM is, and are making money beyond what is required to provide the minimum standard of living.

Do you not see the hypocricy here?

I have to work. I see no reason why I should restrict myself to a minimum wage job just to avoid the appearance of working for "things". One salary alone does not support our family, even at the most basic standard of living. But it comes close. Over the years, I've posted my financials several times, and not ONE "you could SAH if you really wanted to" poster has been able to explain how we could manage on one salary, without that salary being more than either DH or I could bring in. We don't have an extra $15,000 or so we could shave off our budget; neither dh nor I is in any position to suddenly make the leap in salary it would take to bring home that $15,000. But I bring home considerably more than that, so we do have two cars (one fairly new, since our old one was flooded in tropical storm Allison a couple of years ago), a house big enough for all three of our children (1800 sq ft) and I don't have to shop at garage sales and thrift stores.

According to your wife, this means that I have chosen money and things above my children. Think you can manage to explain to her what a pile of dung that is?

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:43am
Firewood
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:44am
The point is, just as you can't tell how your 17 month old has turned out yet (please, I do't suppose I won't figure out how my kids have turned out until they're 20), neither can you say that a marriage of a mere 6 years is proof that it's a lasting one. Most of us realize that 6 years is a very, very short time to be married, heck, you're still newlyweds!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:51am
Eeewww, let's not, you're liable to embarass yourself once again.

BTW, my sister DOES work for the "extras". She, like I, loves to travel and considers it an intergral part of her life. Her husband is a teacher, and doesn't make loads of $$$ (see, he does what he does because he likes helping kids, see the difference), so she works so that they can maintain a nicer standard of living, and go on those trips that as she says, make life worth living. She also is proud of and enjoys her lovely home that she helps to pay for. For her, scraping by with no travel, in a tiny house, etc, wouldn't be living, it would be existing, and I don't blame her for wanting more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:51am
Oh, you sound like a fun lunch date, NOT! Either your friend is the most kind hearted person on the planet or you are pulling our leg. I cannot imagine going out to lunch with a "friend", only to have that person inform me that I have made poor choices and I am not living my life correctly. When I go to luch with my friends, we talk about movies, books, our jobs, our families, etc, etc. If I started lambasting one of my friends about their life, I suspect that would be our last lunch date. What youa re describing doesn't sound like lunch, it sounds like an intervention. Now if your friend was a substance abuser or a something of that nature, that might be appropriate. But I can assure you that going to lunch with someone and telling them that they are not living their life according to your standards over a meal is just plain tacky. You need to hang onto that friend and not alienate her. Only a true friend woudl put up with such crap.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:00am
I'm still waiting for that logic. You *have* said that it is better. You said several times that it is better that a child is with his mother all the time and have dad work 80 hrs a week than to be in daycare and both parents work 40. I would beg to differ, because, while you may think a 17 month old can't have a close relationship with his father, the only evidence you have is that *your* child doesn't, which is directly related to the fact that they never see eachother. Before you get all high and mighty on yourself, I'm a SAHM, I just have a problem with women who seem to think their husbands are silent partners in the parenting jig until later in life. I'm glad I'm not married to a man like that.

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