Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

Pages

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:42am
What you fail (still) to realize is that we are telling you that you can't tell from outside what anyone is working for.

You have set yourself up as the one who gets to decide who is working for what - and THAT is the objection.

Although, even if it's not, you still haven't explained why it's OK for your dh to value his job over his child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:45am
You have no idea what turns the conversation took...or HOW I stated my opinion now, do you? You assume (wrongly, I might add) that you know what I said or how I said it. Rest assured that said woman and I are still very much friends and planning to go to lunch in the next few weeks.

So you never disagree with your friends? Never discuss politics or religion or anything remotely inflammatory with them? Or do you prefer to do that only in the relative anonomy of the net?

I stand up for what I believe in IRL AND on the net. Some of the best conversations I've had with friends have been debating over controversial topics. Again, I didn't know I had to agree with someone all the time to be their friend...wow! That would be awfully boring, wouldn't it? C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:51am
Honestly...neither scenario is ideal. Why? B/c the first family is putting material THINGS before their children and the message that "daddy needs money for his Benz so he works all the time" is certainly different than "daddy worked A LOT when you were little so he would be able to spend more time with you now." With the second scenario, I have a hard time believing that neither parent could go p/t to spend more time with the kids. If they've got enough overage for the Beemer and trip, they've got enough for one of them to cut their hours. Again, it's all about priorities.

What the flamers on this board fail to understand (and so keep calling ME a hypocrite) is that my husband isn't working 80 hrs a week now for material gain, he's doing it so he can spend more time with DS/future siblings/and me in a few years. I can not comprehend how you can equate time to a luxury vehicle. It's apples to oranges. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:54am
Actually, she is. And I'm proud to call her a dear, dear friend. I don't have anything against A working, she's doing it to support her family. She would be the first to tell you (in fact she stated this in an earlier post) that she doesn't "get" women who would rather work than SAH...she works out of necessity, not desire. I've also got WOHM friends who are the primary breadwinner, and others who work b/c they have to, but I doubt they'd SAH even if they could...again, they aren't putting material gain before their kids, so I don't have a problems with it...if I lived close enough to watch their kids, I would. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:55am
"And FWIW, my ped and parent educator both refer to toddler separation anxiety/parental preference as developmental stages...I guess I'll inform them that THEY'RE wrong b/c someone on the internet insists it's a personality thing. "

Ummmm, ok...I didn't say anything about seperation anxiety which, as far as I know, is a developmental stage. But I would be quite surprised if your ped or parent educator believe that seperation anxiety is something related exclusively to children with relation to their mothers. I have, frankly, yet to read or hear (from my peds or anyone else for that matter) anything to the effect that at certain times of their lives children will automatically need one parent more than the other or prefer one parent to the other. Perhaps your ped is simply trying to help you make the best of your circumstances by confirming what you want to hear?

The fact that your experiences are different than mine in this regard would indicate that my idea that it is more personality based is likely to be correct. After all, if it were truly a developmental stage that all children go through, I wouldn't have seen so many children be very attached to their fathers at the baby or toddler stages. But the fact is, most of the children I know have spent a considerable amount of time with their fathers from birth (in very many cases with the father being SAH for several months at some point). Perhaps, just by spending the extra time with their fathers, those babies and toddlers have had a very different relationship with their fathers and found that they need and want them much more? I have been around children for a long time: ds and dd are the last of 15 grandkids and ds is over 8...meaning that I have been dealing with children on a daily basis for the last 8+ years, and from my experiences I would say that it has been about 50-50 split in babies and toddlers between preferring their mothers and preferring their fathers.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:56am
B/c unlike my DH, I doubt they'll stop the materialism. DH is working toward a goal that necessitates him spending long hours at the office now, so he won't have to spend long hours at the office later. A mother working for materialism isn't doing that.

A. did NOT say DS wouldn't remember anything before the age of 10, but she agrees that DS will be fortunate to have both parents home by then. C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 10:58am
The difference is the message it sends to the child. "Daddy worked a lot of hours when you were little so he could be home with you now..." is a hell of a lot different than "Mommy (and daddy) work a lot of hours so you can ride in this nice car on your way to day care." You don't agree? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:00am
SIGH...he doesn't value his job over his child. If he did, why would he bust his butt now to spend more time with DS in the future.

I realize you're telling me I can't tell who is working for the wrong reasons and who isn't. What you fail to see is that I OPed about a woman who I know for a fact IS working for the wrong reasons. So I'm not allowed to judge that? Y'all have had NO PROBLEM judging me and my DH based on my comments here, but I'm not supposed to judge a WOHM I know IRL? Yeah, that's not typocritical at all. C

Avatar for mama2gigi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:00am
But I WOHPT and my DH is home much more than her DH and my DS still far prefers me to DH. In fact, on the board we usally post on, someone posted the same thing: "Help, my toddler only wants Mommy" and several other people chimed in to agree. So it's not unusual that her DS is a mommy's boy or that mine is too. We're not in the minority. FWIW, my DD was a major mommy's girl and I WOHPT until she was 16mos and WOHFT after that and her dad was unemployed for much of it and was caregiver while I worked. She still prefered her mom.

Why is everyone making out like we must be discouraging a relationship between these children and their fathers? We're not. Perhaps our families are just comfortable with the more old-fashioned roles of 'mom takes care of the home and kids and dad provides for the family'. If it works for our families, who's it hurting? It didn't hurt the kids growing up anytime before the 70's when women 1st really started joining the workforce. A.

Andrea...
mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:01am
Say what you want...my experience tells me otherwise. C

Pages