Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Avatar for mama2gigi
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:04am
That's what you said that I said. What I meant was that by the time he's 10 he will start to form good and lasting memories that include his father being there all of the time. I'm sure that will make up for the fact that he may have fewer memories that include his father from when he was younger. A.

Andrea...
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Avatar for taylormomma
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Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:12am
I haven't judged your choices at all - only your hypocricy.

And you miss the point. Your dh doesn't HAVE to work the hours he works. You said it yourself - he's a workaholic and worked those hours long before your ds was born. The fact is, he didn't cut back when his child was born. He may plan to cut back in the future, but who knows what the future holds?

The math simply doesn't work out. He works 80 hours a week now so he can cut back to 30 hours a week in a few years - but it's gonna take him till his kid is long grown to get back the hours he will have given up in the meantime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:12am
Ok, but I think what you are not getting is that you have no way of knowing why ultimately two people are working....even if it looks from the outside that the point might be material gain. Guess what? We have a new BMW and travel a lot around Europe and to the U.S. Could we do it without my income? Probably not. Could we survive on one income? Most likely yes. So why do we both work? Because we love what we do, because we could schedule our hours so that the kids are in school/dc for a total of 6-7 hours a day (which most 2 parent WOH families I know of do...I haven't seen the 40-50 hour dc weeks you are talking about). Because those 6-7 hours per day in dc/school have been wonderful for our children in so many ways and yet still gives them plenty of time at home with both parents. Do those hours sound excessive? Get used to it. When your kids are 5 they'll probably be in school for that long or longer whether you SAH or WOH, unless you homeschool.

And you know what else? All that "materialistic" travel is money we consider well invested: our children are growing up in a multicultural enviroment and are fluently trilingual....That is a gift that seems well-worth the few hours a day they spend in dc. So if you were looking at us from the outside as two WOH parents with a BMW and lots of trips, you would be pretty quick to judge us for neglecting our children in the interest of material gain. But you don't know the inside story.

Laura

Avatar for taylormomma
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Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:12am
I don't agree that kids get that message. Unless nosy neighbors are saying it to them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:17am
I am sure your experience does, my experiences have been different...all of which goes to show that babies and toddlers preferring their mothers over their fathers is not likely to be an automatic developmental stage.

Laura

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:17am
From the sounds of things, those would be 5 hours better spent with your ds! When time is in short supply, every hour counts.

BTW, how does working 40 fewer hours translate into only 5 more with ds?

As for working full time and there not being a time crunch. They've done time studies on SAHP's and WP's and found about a 24 minute a day difference in time spent parenting between the two household types. I'd hardly call that a time crunch. Normal working schedules have never been an issue because kids have never required 100% of our time.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:20am
I find this so sad. There's a lot of research out there to show that dads do count. I prefer more than a dash of dad for my kids.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:21am
You saved me a post! ITA!
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:24am
What makes you think WM's don't attend baseball games?? Some of us can manage to both work AND spend time with our kids. That's the advantage of having a reasonable work schedule. I'd rather work 40 hours a week for 18 years of my kids lives than miss 9 by working 80 so I can be retired for the other 9 thank you. I think all the years kids are growing up are important. Sure dad will be retired by the time he is 10 but dad will be a relative stranger to his own son!! That's a hell of a price to pay just for early retirement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 11:27am
So you are saying then--that it's not necessarily best for ALL toddlers to be with their moms more than their dads--just yours?

You're not saying that there is something inherently better about a mom's care over a dad's care--right? I'm only asking because I think (think--could be wrong) that some people might think that is what you're saying.

Jenn

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