Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:11pm
Sorry, meant your dh. You know the one who works 80 hours a week.
Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:14pm
It's also not unusual for them to want their fathers when dad is around. My dgs prefers his father, when his father is around, in spite of the fact his mother SAH for the first year and a half and only works part time. It's not a given a child will prefer mom unless they never see dad.
Avatar for mama2gigi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:36pm
Exactly! So it's completely normal for a child (especially a young toddler) to prefer one parent over the other. Ours just happen to prefer their moms over their dads, right now. Like I said, when my DD was young I started working ft when she was 16mos old. Even though she was often cared for by her dad while I worked, she still prefered me. It is a developmental thing.

It's not personality, just b/c there are some children who experience it and some who do not. Just b/c not every single child goes through it doesn't mean it's not a developmental thing. Not every child makes strange or experiences stranger anxiety... doesn't make it any less of a developmental stage now does it. A.

Andrea...
mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:53pm
We get it. It is wrong for a mom to work for anything other than basic survival. I get it and I still disagree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:56pm
Oh won't that be swell, to have your husband home F/T at 40. Yikes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:57pm
Do you see the shades of gray? It's a continuum:

Working to survive = living comfortably = working only for "luxuries

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 1:01pm
>>>Oh won't that be swell, to have your husband home F/T at 40. Yikes!

----

Oh I don't know Trip...depends on the relationship. DH WAH FT now...& I will be joining him in about a month. I think it will be ultra swell! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 1:02pm
Since you're her friend, would you consider it backstabbing if she posted a fact about your personal life and judged you for it?

I've never seen another poster have to recruit her DH AND a friend to defend her. mygarnetboy's logic is not well thought out at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 1:03pm
So are you really suggesting that it is an entirely develomental thing that children will prefer their mothers over their fathers at a certain age? Or are you suggesting that a toddler will prefer one parent over another (regardless of sex) and that this is a develomental stage? I was pretty sure that mygarnetboy was suggesting that it is a developmental stage for a toddler to prefer his/her mother over her father...which I found to be highly unlikely given my experiences.

I must be confused about the notion of developmental stages because I understood them to be something that the vast majority of children will go through, though obviously not every single one. I find it very hard to believe (not having read about this in any of the child rearing books I have looked through, nor having seen it as the behaviour of the majority of children in the baby and toddler years) that this is officially considered a developmental stage. To give another example: crawling, in spite of popular opinion, is not actually considered a developmental stage in part because while quite common, it is not something that an overwhelming majority of children go through. Walking is a developmental stage (all children do learn to walk at some point assuming no physical problems). Stranger anxiety and seperation anxiety are developmental stages because almost all children go through those experiences...though many have very mild reactions while others have more severe ones.

I would be very happy to have a reputable reference or website pointed out to me that clearly states that a child's preference for his/her mother (not preference for one parent or another, specifically the mother) is a normal developmental stage.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 1:03pm
What, you think most 20 somethings who are newlyweds don't feel just as you do? Listen, I'm quite sure most young couples feel exactly as you do, and I'm not saying your marriage won't last, but you are aware that over 50% of marriages don't, aren't you? Just wondering why you think yours is any more special than anyone else's.

It reminds me of the celebrity articles where the couples are so much in love only to have broken up by the time the article goes to print.

Try to be a bit more humble and never say never, my husband and I have been together 25 years and I'm still not cocky enough to proclaim that it will last forever, never say never, that's the wise thing to do.

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