Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
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Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 7:52pm
I'm replying to myself in case god forbid someone think I'm picking on them. Just wanted to say that I brought up the set bedtime question to all my friends at the pool today, and thank god I know longer feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. The responses ranged from "What kind of idiot doesn't have a set bedtime for their kids" to "Of course we set the bedtime for the kids, don't tell me people don't?" and others that can't be repeated lest I offend anyone. Not a single person had even heard of letting their kids set their own betimes, let alone entertained the idea of trying it. Now don't get all ticked at me, I didn't make these comments, others did, but for awhile I was beginning to think that I was the only one (or two), who set their kids bedtimes. It appears that that's not the case.

It seems like IRL, and in MY reality especially, I'm in the majority.

Oh and cosleeping, that topic was amusing. Not a chance. They all thought it was a fate worse than death. I'm not being rude, I'm just telling you what my friend's perception of the concept was.

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 7:53pm
I'm supposing that at the time my children acquire spouses that they'll no longer BE CHILDREN and will be fully capable of meeting their own needs.

It is my job as their parent to meet their needs as they are not fully capable of fully meeting those needs themselves. These needs include cognitive, medical, physical, social, and emotional.

While I will not be running a short order kitchen (I've already addressed that allegation), I do think it's my job to adapt to my children's needs while they are children, as opposed to THEM being expected to adapt to mine.

As they grow and mature they are expected to meet some of their own physical needs in an age-appropriate manner, such as getting a snack for themselves.

My oldest already knows that she bears some responsibility for meeting SOME simple needs of her youngest sibling, such as getting him a snack if she is doing so for herself.

The fact that this concept flew over your head. . .you've already illustrated the fact that meeting your children's needs isn't necessarily one of your priorities if the need arises at an inconvenient time for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 7:55pm
Rich maybe, but high fashion? Uh, OK, if you say so. Next you'll tell me there's a Versace store on Main Street.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:00pm
I guess it all depends on where you are doing you poll taking.

My kids had a set bedtime until they were in high school.

My sisters son has never had a set bedtime.

My brothers kids have never had a set bedtime.

So in my little poll, I, with a set bedtime am in the minority.

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:02pm
Ya know. . .I'm all broke up over the fact that I'm not like you or your friends. . .how, oh how will I ever live with myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:04pm
>>>OK I have more time now, Manolo Blahniks are very expensive ($500-$3000), very chic, very high fashion shoes and the complete antithesis of Birkenstocks, which are very practical and well, ugly.

-----

Each to his own, I suppose. I don't think Birkenstocks are ugly at all. But, thanks for the clarification...at least to that part of your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:14pm
that other person would be me, and i never said it happened every night, but i did say, they all started out in their own beds and whenever they would wake and come in i would roll over and let them in and go to sleep. some nights it was one, some nights it was two, some nights it was three and LOTS of nights it was NONE!
Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:17pm
You know. . .my approach isn't too far off yours. . .and possibly not even that far off of P&Jmom's.

As a teacher I've learned how to prepare a lesson plan and then adapt that plan, as needed, based upon what I'm 'reading' or observing from the classroom. . .be it a class of adults or children.

Not all teachers have that skill. . .I've seen preschool teachers kill themselves over story time trying to get through the book, when it is obvious to everyone but them that the children are NOT interested in the book. Some teachers feel that the child should LEARN to follow the schedule even if they aren't interested. . .ie, story time is 20 minutes long whether you like it or not.

Too often adults feel that children should accomodate OUR time tables instead of the adult reading the cues of the child and flexing the schedule as necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:18pm
I think I said this in my OP, DH doesn't work the extra hours just so I can SAH, he has worked that many hours from the get-go. He works the same amt. of hours now that he did when we married six years ago. He's worked 80+ hour weeks as long as he's had the job (nine years this Sept). So why shouldn't I stay home? He's going to work those hours regardless of whether or not I WOH, so I CHOOSE to SAH with my son.

As to the amt. of my influence over DS SAH vs. WOH, I only state this:

DS wakes around 7:30am, naps from 11:30am-1:30pm, then is down for the night by 7pm. If I WOH, I would spend maybe 2 hours with him per day, not counting our commute to the sitter. Let's see, 10.5 waking hours per day or 2...not a difficult choice for me to make! And yes, as an educator, I saw the familial impact on EC development. I also saw the impact of daycare, as I also worked in the district-run daycare facility for a time. There was no question that I would SAH w/my kids.

Christi



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:26pm
You're putting words in my mouth. To set the record straight, I feel that when it's all said and done and I'm at the end of my life, I'm going to look back and be grateful for the TIME I had with my family members, not the THINGS we had. My mom was the daughter of a working mother and hated it. She stayed home with us and I loved having her home. She was always volunteering at our school, as a room mother, running the school store, whatever. She was the mom she wished she had, and that's what I want for my son.

Christi

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