Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Are mega hours ok if you have a SAHP?
1499
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 11:00am
This is kind a a spin off from the equalty and careers thread. I have been reading many posts from the thread about SAHPs who have spouses who work lots of hours. Is it OK for one spouse to work 80 hours a week (assuming it's his choice), as long as there is a SAHP with the kids? Is it OK to to be a workaholic or career driven and come home at 10pm and leave the house at dawn because you have career goals that require those kinds of hours? Is that fair to the kids and ultimately fair to the relationship between dad and the child to assume the position that as long as mom is home, dad can be gone all the time?

Personally, it would make me crazy to have my dh at work 100 hours a week, regardless of my employment status. Crazy because I wouldn't want to have to handle everything that pertains to home and kids and crazy worrying that the kids were not developing a close relationship with dad. There is something to be said, IMHO, for dad beng the one to show up at some of the parent meetings, events, etc.

My bro commutes to NYC daily. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home til 8-9pm every night. He misses just about everything having to with his kids and does not even get to eat one meal with them during the week. That would make me nuts.

Is it ok to have an absent parent if the other parent is a SAHP?

Susan

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Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:48pm
Just because a facility is run by a school district doesn't mean that it is an example of quality care.

Quality care is correlated to positive child outcomes. If you saw negative outcomes from said care, I can only assume that the facility you worked wasn't a quality facility and that there were some family issues as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:49pm
<<<<>>>>

i dont know that anyone said its a *good* thing, but in my case it just *is*. we never promoted co-sleeping, i didnt even know there was a name for my kids getting in bed with us in the middle of the night. i just thought, well, i guess if they want to warm up, or be near us, ok, come on.....period. no big issue. no plan. it just happened. thats it nothing more, nothing less. my kids sleep very soundly, so they dont squirm, or kick, they sleep. period. sorry you cant imagine this, and i really dont care how you handle things in your house, but this is how it was while my kids were growing up, and you dont have to be so ugly about it.

yes the bed hopping is funny, but its never caused any *less* sleep in our house.

p.s. this ought to throw you a curve, sometimes the kids would get in bed with each other!!! gasp!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:54pm
On the contrary, it is an excellent facility with a waiting-list a mile long. But my heart broke for the kids who were dropped off at 6:30-7am and picked back up at 5:30-6pm. And I'm sorry, but if I do the math, assuming they have 10 waking hours daily (that doesn't include their naps or nighttime sleep), they're spending 42.5 hrs a week with me and 30 hours a week with mom and dad. I don't think that's a good thing. No matter how good the quality of care they're getting with me is, they'd rather be with their parents.

Christi

Avatar for virgogirl914
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:56pm
Do you have any idea how OLD the 'feeling guilty' argument is? This is a debate board. . .we debate. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:56pm
well, heres one for you. my big boy(who was 16 at the time) was beat up in high school. that night he went to bed in his own bed(which by the way had been the norm by this time for quite awhile) and heard a truck outside around midnight. scared him to death. i dont know what he thought, but he flew downstairs, and when i assured him everything was ok, and it was ok for him to go back to bed, he asked if he could lay down next to me for a few minutes. well, the next morning he was still there. this is the one i had so much trouble with, and who really didnt like me at all when he was 16, but there are times, we all need our moms, and i am glad i was able to make him feel safe after what he had been through that day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:58pm
I was being facetious. That IS allowed on this board, isn't it?

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 9:01pm
thank you lauren. that is exactly what i meant. im not going to discuss my feelings about sex(cause my sister reads this stuff you know!LOL), but lets put it this way, ive been with my dh 30 years, and he is still *really* attractive to me. LOL. sex with the kids in the bed???? WAY gross!! LOL
Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 9:03pm
And like I said to another poster who, like you, left the early childhood field because of early drop offs and late pick ups. . .

"You're telling me that you left your chosen profession because of the poor parenting decisions of other parents?"

Just because OTHER parents have made poor decisions doesn't mean that I have to leave my chosen field. . .a field that I am passionate about and through which I make a positive impact on my community.

Just because OTHER parents can't balance work and children doesn't mean that I can't either.

I understand wanting to be with your son. . really I do, but to say that you SAH because you want to be his primary influence is silly. . .you would be anyway. . .to say that you SAH because you saw other parents drop off their children early and pick them up late is silly. . .you DON'T have to do that.

If you want to SAH and can. . .more power to you, but don't come up with weak reasons to justify it. . .the desire to and ability to do so are justification enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 9:10pm
Hey! Give me my crown back please! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 9:25pm
I'm sorry, I guess I missed your post re: food.

Do you and the kids sit together for meals, even if not everyone is hungry? Do you care if they want a snack while you are making dinner and possibly going to ruin their appetite?

I'm not saying rigid. But it makes no sense to allow my kids to eat when they want to. I want us to eat as many meals together as possible, and I don't want DH and I serving them food all the time, since they're too young to get it themselves.

I was really using it as an example of how I believe schedules benefit the whole family.

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